


Save Me from Myself

by AkuChibi



Series: Save Me from Myself [1]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Depression, Fluff and Angst, Humor, M/M, Past Character Death, Romance, Teenagers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-09-22
Updated: 2015-01-08
Packaged: 2018-02-18 09:04:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 61,934
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2342807
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AkuChibi/pseuds/AkuChibi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Life's been hard so far, with a lot of depressing twists and turns ultimately ending in a downward spiral, but moving to a new town and entering a new high school brings with it the meeting of Shepard, who's attentive and talkative and friendly and everything Kaidan didn't know he was looking for. Maybe, just maybe, he can forget the past, stop being part of the background, and finally be somebody to someone. Even if it's only for a little while...</p><p>Set in present day, AU world. Because deal with it, that's why.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> Previously titled "Hear Me Now". This is AU - teen and high school. Kaidan was quiet, shy, and by himself a lot. But that's what happens after tragedy strikes; you close in on yourself. Being part of the background's pretty easy - no expectations, obligations, or loose ends. That's what he wants, though. At least he thought it was. Then, as per his mother's wishes, he joined the Drama Club at his new school and met Shepard, energetic and talkative and loud and everything Kaidan didn't know he was looking for. Maybe, just maybe, he can leave the background and finally be somebody to someone. Fate, however, is cruel bitch who can't be sated, and nothing gold can stay.
> 
> WARNING: Characters might be kind of OOC. Potential tragedy; haven't decided yet. If not completely tragic, there will be a sequel.
> 
> Originally a story about a different fandom but fits this one better, I think. While this is technically finished, it's not because I have a lot of things to change, tweak, and upgrade. This story was technically written back in 2011, people - my writing, I hope, has improved since then. So, changes. Hope that's okay :) This story is special to me. It was the first story (on another site, with a different fandom) to get me 300+ reviews :) I was very, very happy. It also has a series of one-shots pertaining to it, as well as a sequel which, sadly, has yet to be completely. Hopefully I can remedy that. Anyway, this is getting long. Give it a try, yeah? And I love comments :) pleaseeeee.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quick note: So, I went back and changed some things. Jacob isn't Kaidan's brother anymore; instead I gave him an OC brother because it just makes more sense for later in the plot. Hope that's okay!!!

Chapter One

 

_Okay. You can do this._

            Telling himself this did little to ease his mind, but he’d done worse than this. This was just high school; he’d handled funerals and bullies and family. He could do _this_.

            Taking a breath, he looked up at the building which stood innocently before him. Nothing about it screamed _oh no_ , and yet that was how he felt inside. Desperate for escape, but the backpack weighing heavy on his shoulders told him there was no escape. The car pulling away from the curb, with a shouted “Have fun, Kaidan!” also left him alone without a way out. The only way to go was forward.

            Normandy Central High School – NCHS – was a prestigious school for ‘gifted’ students. He was lucky to be ‘invited’ to join it. His grades were not terrible but they certainly weren’t great, either, so the acceptance he never asked for came as a bit of a shock. That mixed with bad memories encircling around fallen family members and distant sisters, left him more of a shell of his former self. Moving out here, after his acceptance into NCHS, was only logical at the time. A fresh start. New faces. No one knew him here; he could be whatever he wanted to be.

            Nevertheless the large building – all tan walls and a dark red roof, a large gate encircling most of the school – towered over him, a leviathan giant which left him more anxious with every step he took toward the main entrance. Thankfully, there were few students here at the moment; after all, it was late in the day, probably during last period but it was the only time he’d been available, and his counselor had been available.

            He would officially start school tomorrow, but would get the gist of everything today. He’d be given his locker, led to it, and told where most of the generic classes would be held. He’d also be given his class schedule for this semester, since the school year was only two weeks underway. That was lucky, he thought, or unfortunate, depending on how you looked at it.

            He startled and quickly schooled his expression when a woman pulled open the door with a nice smile and blue eyes. Her white outfit, including a tight skirt, left him swallowing even as he averted his gaze, muttering a soft, “Thanks.”

            “Hello,” she said. “You must be the new student.”

            _Geez, news travels fast._

            “Yeah,” he sighed, following her into the building, the doors closing behind him with a quiet whoosh, “that’s me.”

            “Kaidan Alenko,” she said, looking at a chart she held in her nimble, slim fingers. “Age 17, incoming Junior. Your sister is joining us as well, I assume?”

            He sighed, nodding.

            _Of course. Goes to her immediately._

            This wasn’t surprising; she was always the smart one.

            “Rahna, am I correct?”

            He nodded. “Yeah. That’s her.”

            Sweet, once upon a time. Distant these days.

            Ever since…

            _Blood on his knuckles._

_Blood on the ground._

_Crying._

_Anger._

_Pain._

_Don’t look at me like that…_

            “Is your brother joining us as well?” the lady asked.

            Kaidan paused, not because the question bothered him, but because he honestly didn’t know the answer.

            He and his brother weren’t exactly _distant_ , but they weren’t particularly close, either. Most of that was on him; he closed off after _that_ happened. He hadn’t thought about his brother in weeks. Last he’d heard, he was staying with friends before the move. He was eighteen; he could do what he wanted, legally.

            “I don’t know,” he finally said, and the words didn’t burn on the way out, but they might as well have, searing his taste buds.

            “I see,” she said, making a note on her clipboard. “Your mother called; she told me she wants you to join a club.”

            He winced. “Um, she didn’t mean that.”

            The woman settled him with a look like she’d heard this all before. She probably had; just because this was a prestigious school didn’t mean it was perfect. There were troublemakers here, too, he assumed.

            “Okay,” he breathed, “maybe she did.”

            _And maybe I kind of promised her I’d try._

            He wasn’t expecting her to call ahead, though. That was sneaky.

            Sneaky and clever because he would have brushed it off otherwise. She knew him too well.

            A burst of irritation mingled with the burst of affection he felt for his mom; she put up with him these past two years, attempted to mend broken fences where it wasn’t possible, but at least she tried. His father, on the other hand…

            Thoughts about that were better left in the dark.

            “All of our clubs are full at the moment,” she said regretfully, and he almost breathed a sigh of relief before she continued. “Except one.”

            _Dammit._

            “What’s that?”

            “Drama Club,” she said. “It can have up to thirty people.”

            He sighed, scowling at the thought. “Um, no thanks. I don’t… That’s not for me. Sorry.”

            _Drama? Is she serious?_

            He couldn’t even talk to his own _family_ without getting flustered and leaving the room; she expected him to _get in front of strangers_ and talk?

            The smile she gave him wasn’t happy or condescending; it was simply the smile of a woman who heard it all before. “Unfortunately, you need an extracurricular activity,” she said. “Your sister has been listed for Choir if she chooses to attend with you.”

            _Why does she get a choice?_

            He didn’t get a choice in coming here; he was simply told to come. Had his family move all the way here from Vancouver.

            That was a long way to go for a school, even if it _was_ only a little more than an hour away from their old home. It was still technically in a different country.

            Passports were a bitch.

            “Fine,” he said, the word more like stinging fire than anything else, bitterness burning his tongue, “I’ll join Drama Club.”

            The woman tossed him a quick smile. “Excellent.” She held her hand out, then. Kaidan stared at it as though it were foreign to him. It almost was. “I’m Liara T’soni,” she said, and he blinked at the name. Come to think of it, she did have a bit of an accent though he couldn’t particularly place it. Accents were never his forte.

            _People_ weren’t his forte.

            Almost as an afterthought, he grabbed her hand and shook it. He could at least be polite; his mother raised him right. “Kaidan,” he said quietly.

            “Come,” she said, spinning on her heel. “I shall show you where the room is.”

            _Room?_

            Great, his club was so small it was only in a room. At least that meant there wouldn’t be a lot of people. Maybe this would be okay.

            They walked around corners and down long hallways, the echo of kids talking through some open doors to various classrooms and lockers closing down nearly abandoned hallways. Then they came to an abrupt halt and he nearly ran into T’soni’s back. He frowned and looked at the door in front of which they stood.

            “There you go,” the lady said.

            Ah, there. Room 124. Kaidan took a moment to breathe before he closed his eyes and pushed open the door to the room that would soon change everything in his life.

            “Goddamn it – Shepard! Those aren’t toys!” a voice shouted. It was the first thing Kaidan heard. “Get back here!”

            The second thing was the sound of “ack!” before a body slammed into him and he was knocked to the ground. The breath whooshed out of him as he lay there, struggling to get his lungs to expand enough to breathe, as the person who crashed into him lay on top of him, groaning.

            “Ugh…” the person groaned before they stiffened and quickly jumped off of him. It became a little easier to breathe. “Shit, I’m sorry.”

            Kaidan looked to see a pair of bright blue eyes staring at him apologetically, sincere and amused all at once, a combination he wasn’t sure was possible until now.

            “I didn’t know you were going to be coming in at the _exact_ moment I was trying to _leave_ , but-”

            “Shepard!” a voice snapped. He recognized it as the original voice shouting at the man.

            The guy flinched. “Aw, um, I’m outta here! Sorry about crashing into you! Have fun!” He jumped up and started to dart out of the still-open door, but before he could, a hand snatched out and grabbed hold of the back of his shirt, yanking him to a halt. “Busted,” he muttered half dejectedly as he was turned around. Kaidan sat up and watched the exchange, confused and amused all at once. It had been a while since the amusement; the confusion was perpetual, it seemed.

            “I should say so,” said a girl with narrowed eyes. Her long black hair flowed down over her shoulders and Kaidan stared up at the two of them from his position on the ground. “Now you get back over there and get slapped. It’s _your_ scene.”

            “But-” the guy - Shepard, Kaidan presumed - started to protest.

            “Now,” the girl snapped, cutting him off, but there was an almost-smile on her face, hidden in her voice. He got to his feet, continuing to watch them. He was good at that; at watching people from afar, never noticed but there all the same.

            Shepard’s shoulders slouched in defeat. “Fine. Who died and made you Mommy Dearest?” he muttered before he stalked away, moving toward a group of people who were watching with amused interest. “Yeah, yeah, laugh it up! Kasumi! You’d better not hit hard! I did nothing wrong!”

            “I wouldn’t hit a girl,” Kasumi giggled. It was this strange accent he, yet again, couldn’t place and she was covered in a veil of dark hair and a black hoodie, the hood up so what he could make out of her face was otherwise shadowed.

            “Then you can hit yourself, ‘cause you sure as hell aren’t one,” Shepard muttered mostly to himself, moving closer to them.

            The black-haired girl looked down at Kaidan. Kaidan froze, having momentarily forgotten about her. “You must be Kaidan, right?” she asked, reaching a hand out to shake from where she now stood on the stage’s edge. “I’m Ashley, Ashley Williams.” She nodded in the direction Shepard had gone and began walking that way. Kaidan followed after her silently, looking around in… he didn’t want to say ‘awe’ or ‘wonder’, but that was exactly what it was.

            The room was… larger than he would have pictured. There was a stage in it, after all, and curtains, and side doors that boasted ‘PROPS’ and ‘COSTUMES’ in proud, bright, curvy letters. A few people were seated at one of the two long tables near the far corner, in the light, the stage mostly covered in darkness as people stood up on it, including Shepard, the guy who had toppled into Kaidan when he’d first entered the room. The girl, Kasumi, stood there too. Kaidan slid his gaze away from the stage to further investigate the room, when he heard a shout.

            “Ow! Woman!” Shepard complained as a loud ‘slap’ resonated through the room. Various people started laughing and Kaidan turned his head to see Shepard standing on the stage, holding a hand to his cheek as he glared at the girl, Kasumi, who all but giggled at him. “Was that necessary?” Shepard drawled, frowning at her.

            “Yes,” she told him matter-of-factly. “Yes, it was. You had a bug on your face. I was trying to kill it. With my hand.”

            “Uh huh, and how’s that working?”

            “Very well.”

            “Right.” Shepard shook his head and then glared at the guy standing next to him. “You did this!”

            “I did no such thing,” the guy said. He had black hair and dark skin, but his voice was upbeat despite the accusations thrown at him.

            “Liar, I know you planned this. It’s because I refuse to acknowledge your prowess at poker, isn’t it?” Shepard grumbled accusingly, pointing a finger at him.

            “You’re paranoid,” the guy, James, told him.

            “You can sit here if you want,” Ashley said, dragging Kaidan’s attention away from the stage and its various characters, too many thoughts swirling through his head to decipher. He could feel a headache approaching. “I’ll round everyone up shortly and you can meet them.”

            Kaidan nodded, unsure as to what he was supposed to say. What was he even doing here? It seemed like everyone was comfortable here but him. His parents thought this was a good idea, but he couldn’t see how or why. Sighing, he sat at the end of one of the two tables, away from everyone else in the back of the room.

He looked around the room, in parts he hadn’t noticed before, the areas closest to him. A body-length mirror stood off to the side. He took notice of his reflection, half hunched over the table, clothed with a blue jacket which was a little too big on him, and dark blue jeans. He looked up toward his face, at the boyish curve of his chin, the slight spike of his black hair atop his head which came naturally – no matter how much he tried to smooth it out, dammit – and finally his gaze landed on his honey brown eyes. All in all, he surmised, he looked unintimidating and uninteresting. Part of the background. Hidden, out of sight but in plain view all the same.

            Shepard jumped down in front of Ashley, dragging Kaidan’s attention back toward the front of the room, toward the stage. “Never again,” he declared, “am I going to be slapped for absolutely no reason.”

            “It’s a skit-” Ashley started.

            “By _James_!” Shepard told her, like that meant something important and to be followed.

            “We don’t discourage creativity, Shepard,” Ashley chided. “And he _is_ one of the captains.”

            “Point?” Shepard asked innocently, rocking back on his heels. Kaidan could almost hear him whistling, his eyes wide, blue, and innocent. Though why he took notice of that, he wasn’t entirely sure. He was sure he had a concussion from being knocked to the ground or something.

            “Wait until you see his next idea,” Ashley said, chuckling suddenly.

            “Oh, God. I’m scared. What’s it about?” Shepard asked with a frown as he started to take a step back as though that might stop whatever words were about to leave Ashley’s mouth. Kaidan watched, vaguely amused, which was something he hadn’t been in a while.

            _Years._

            “He has you fainting.”

            “Me. Fainting.” Each word was said with a somewhat puzzled blink, horror dawning on his face, at least from what Kaidan could tell.

            “Yes.” Ashley nodded as though she just told him the sun was bright or the sky was blue, like it was something commonplace and he should know better.

            Shepard blinked momentarily. Then he growled and spun around. “Vega! I’m going to kill you!”

            “Gotta go!” James said before he darted off stage, disappearing into the darkness beyond the curtains. Shepard leaped onto the stage and chased after him.

            Ashley chuckled and began talking quietly with the dark haired girl, Kasumi. Then she broke off and whistled shrilly. The sound was loud, bouncing off the walls to echo through the room, and Kaidan fidgeted even more as everyone quieted. The chatter which had been shoved to the background as he listened to various conversations suddenly vanished, and Shepard and James appeared from the shadows, Shepard grumbling with his arms crossed, James looking amused as he thumped Shepard on the back of the head.

            Ashley led them, along with several others, toward the table Kaidan had chosen to sit at and he realized she was bringing them to him. He didn’t panic; that wasn’t him. He just… lost his breath for a minute and his fight-or-flight response kicked in, that was all. He looked up at the ceiling in the hopes of distracting himself from the fact everyone was moving toward him like one giant herd, probably looking at them. He almost felt their eyes watching him, scouring over him, assessing him and judging him. He didn’t like being looked at by so many people; he preferred to become part of the background, silent but watching, there but unnoticed. It was so much easier.

            “Hey,” Shepard commented as he plopped down in the seat next to him, grinning this idiot smile which shone of carefreeness. Kaidan glanced at him and nodded in greeting, not knowing what else to do or say. “Sorry for crashing into you like that.”

            “And?” Ashley prompted, thumping him on the back of the head. Shepard groaned and glared at her.

            “And I should have stayed and helped you up.”

            “And?”

            “Dammit, woman, don’t rush me! I’m getting there,” Shepard growled at her, smacking her hand away when she moved to thump him again for good measure. “You’re worse than James and Kasumi. Anyway.” His gaze focused on Kaidan once more. He didn’t want to say he froze under the sincerity and humor he found there, but he came pretty damn close. He just wasn’t used to people looking at him like that, or at all. “Sorry. I’m Shepard.”

            “Good. See? He can be kind!” Kasumi commented with a laugh.

            “I will smite you!” Shepard told her.

            Kasumi snorted and Ashley rolled her eyes. “Everyone, this is Kaidan Alenko. He’s new to the school and to this club, so everyone be nice to him.”

            “Why do you look at _me_ when you say that?” Shepard grumbled. “I’m always nice. I’m so wonderful I make myself sick.”

            “Good, throw up and leave,” said another guy with a smirk.

            “E tu, Steve?” Shepard asked as though truly upset, even though there was an amused glimmer in his eye. “What is this? Gang up on Shepard day?”

            “Yes,” everyone said in unison.

            “Damn. I must not have gotten that memo, or I would have stayed home today,” Shepard said.

            “Anyway,” Ashley said, dragging the focus back to her. “We want you to feel comfortable here, Kaidan. We’re all like a family here, right guys?”

            “Sure,” Shepard said with a smirk, tossing him a quick look, “a family that slaps you, makes you _faint_ , and… I’m forgetting something, I know I am.”

            James and Ashley both smacked him upside the head at the same time. Shepard grimaced and rubbed at his head.

            “Yeah, that. A family that likes _hit_ you, repeatedly, in the head and then they wonder why you can’t remember anything,” Shepard told him with a nod, as though that answered everything. “Yeah. A _nice_ family.”

            “Oh, shut up,” Kasumi said, rolling her eyes which Kaidan now realized were dark, but there was still that glimmer of amusement which everyone here seemed to wear. It was as… comforting as it was unnerving. Yeah. Comforting. That was the word. Right?

            Shepard shrugged. Kaidan almost thought he said those things aloud until he realized Shepard was shrugging at Kasumi’s statement.

            “Anyway,” Ashley said, “like I said, I’m Ashley. That’s Kasumi, Shepard, James, Tali, Steve, Garrus, Tawny, Logan, Kelly, and Hunter. Everyone, this is Kaidan, say hi.”

            “Hi,” everyone chimed.

            “Oh, um… hi,” Kaidan murmured stupidly, feeling uncomfortable. Why was Ashley making such a big deal of his arrival? He was perfectly happy in the background, where no one noticed him. He _liked_ the background; there were no expectations there. He expected nothing from anyone and in return nothing was expected of him, either. People were the same everywhere; why did they think they could change that and be different?

            “We hope you have fun in Drama Club,” Tali said, speaking up for the first time. She also had dark hair, but her hair was darker than Kasumi’s, and she was shorter, probably a year younger than Kaidan if he had to guess by her innocent sounding voice.

            “Er… thanks,” Kaidan said.

            What would be different about this year from any other at any other school? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. There was nothing to cheer about. In a day or maybe a week, everyone would go back to ignoring him. They would forget his name, forget he was there, and he would be free to be part of the background.

            The thought relaxed him a little. Back to the background; familiar territory.

            And then Shepard grinned at him. “You’re gonna wish you’d never joined. Welcome to the family, Kaidan.”


	2. Chapter Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aldskfdsala! Oh my God, I can't believe how bad my writing as back then O.o Achem. This chapter wound up being pretty damn long with all the tweaks and everything, and Kaidan is amusing me for some reason. And yay, Garrus is in this chapter :) It's also kind of long and ramble-y because I'm tired. Deal with it ;) And lemme know what you think?

Chapter Two

 

Kaidan tried to blend into the background over the next few days, in his classes. He found, to his surprise and _something_ , that Shepard shared four of them with him. Blending into the background was a ‘no-no’ according to Shepard, and he kept asking _questions_. Good grief, what was with the questions? He asked about his family, told him how terrible the school lunch tended to be, told him how fun it was in Drama club, and did he plan on sticking with it? He spoke so quickly, jumping from subject to subject before Kaidan had a chance to really process what was happening.

            It took him a while to realize he was _thirsty_ , but not because of actual thirst, but because he hadn’t stopped talking in _ten minutes_. Ten minutes of continuous, engaging conversation. It was something he hadn’t had in a long time. He almost forgot what it felt like, to have his mouth parched from _conversation_ rather than the desire, the need, to get a drink.

            Shepard sat next to him every day. The conversations continued. He’d never told someone so much about himself in such a short amount of time. He told him what his favorite _color_ was for god sake – blue. It was all so _strange_ to him.

            He attempted to remain silent for the most part. After a week of pestering, though, he knew this was no longer an option. He found himself actually looking _forward_ to these random conversations. At home he was quiet; part of the background despite his mother’s attempts to change this, his father’s rising irritation at the fact he was so introverted he couldn’t see ‘how much this is hurting your mother, Kaidan, open up for crying out loud.’

            _Guilt trip, much?_

            He both loved and hated his father for saying things like _that_. So he finally told his mom, last night, that he made a friend in Shepard. She peppered him questions – who is he; is he in Drama Club; do you share classes; does he like the school food since you don’t; is he a good influence…

            It was all so sudden it took him a moment to realize she was _happy_. Ecstatic, even, that he made a friend. He didn’t think he was _that_ much of a freak so as to not warrant any friend. He could make them; he just couldn’t keep them. Keeping them meant not being part of the background, and he _liked_ it there. No expectations, no hassle, no loose ends. Perfect.

            Shepard was making that more complicated than it should have been, though. He stayed silent as Shepard talked and talked about nothing at all. It was all meaningless conversation but he chose to pester Kaidan over everyone else in class, even though people always saved a seat for him, obviously friends of some sort. He wasn’t sure what that said about him and about their new-but-unwarranted budding friendship. Shepard just kept talking. And talking. About every little thing he thought prudent to dump in Kaidan’s lap before class, before school actually started because Kaidan always arrived early to pick his seat in the back of the class, away from prying eyes, watching people instead of being watched.

            He had the vague impression that maybe, just maybe, people often disregarded what Shepard said and so maybe he found it nice that someone wasn’t interrupting him. He wasn’t entirely sure where _that_ thought came from, but nevertheless, it stuck with him. After that he began to notice little things. Little things like Shepard seeking him out in classes they shared; attempting to include him all things related to Drama Club; inviting him to his table at lunch so he wouldn’t be left alone to wander silently away from prying eyes…

            He wasn’t sure _why_ Shepard chose him for all of this, chosen him to ramble to, talk nonstop, but he couldn’t, after a week of this, deny that it felt _nice_ … Nice to be talked to, looked at from time to time like he was _it_ , the only thing that _mattered_ in a room full of people and faces and people _so much better than me why are you doing this to_ -

            _Stop it. Part of the background. Stay quiet. He’ll leave you alone._

            Shepard was a chatter-box; there was no getting around that, but while most people sighed and rolled their eyes – at least that was Kaidan was assuming from the few conversations he watched happen in class between Shepard and someone that _wasn’t_ him – but Kaidan didn’t really mind it. He didn’t mind the talking; having to listen to everything said as though it were all something new and fascinating. He was good at that; at listening. It was what he did best. He found it both included him in the conversation so he wasn’t _completely_ left out, but left him enough breathing room to ignore the talking and questions if he desired to do so. It left him with no obligation to speak on his own.

            By the second week of school, he expected it.

            Was maybe even… looking _forward_ to it…

            “Hey, K,” Shepard called, waving him toward the back of their first period classroom. Kaidan blinked because usually _he_ was the first one here, but oh well. Oh well, because Shepard sat where they always sat anyway, and it wasn’t like he could get rid of the guy.

            He sighed and wandered through the rows of desks and chairs which hadn’t been pushed back in the day before, and sat next to Shepard at a pale tan desk which had seen better days. Various, explicit drawings coated the top, etched in pen. The smoothed ridges told of an attempt to clean it away, but it was carved into the desk, not simply drawn onto it.

            Shepard started calling him ‘K’ on Friday. It was fast and random so he thought Shepard just didn’t feel like saying his whole name as he walked out of the class, tossing him a quick glance as he left the room and disappeared from sight. Now it was Tuesday. He hadn’t heard the name yesterday.

            He wasn’t sure what he thought about that; about the fact Shepard used it once, and now twice, or about the fact he actually had a nickname. He didn’t particularly like them, but he couldn’t bring himself to deny it, either. No one had bothered to give him a nickname before, even though sometimes his family called him “Kaide” without the ‘n’, but that felt different somehow. That was family.

            This… This was Shepard. And somehow that meant it was different.

            Shepard gave into a wide yawn and leaned back in his seat as he was want to do before class started. It was a routine, repeated every day until the reaction became automatic. Every day without fail. Shepard leaned back, tipping the chair backward until it rested only on the two hind legs, the teacher not in the room to lecture him. So Kaidan took it upon himself to ensure that Shepard did not tip all the way back and fall and damage his head. That was what friends did, after all. How did he do that? By stomping his foot down the front legs of the chair. The chair, as always, crashed forward and Shepard sighed, glaring at him, but while his eyes were narrowed, they shone and told of a very different story.

            But that was another story entirely; he didn’t really want to find out. Not really. Because, background. Yeah, that.

            _Right…_

            “Must you ruin my version of comfort?” Shepard all but complained, sticking his lower lip out in a quick, messy pout. This happened every day, so that gut reaction to appease him and mend the situation Kaidan felt every single time was unwarranted and unwanted.

            This left him unable to speak both due to irritation at the knee-jerk reaction to a protruding lower lip, and the _something_ that sparked hopefully somewhere deep in his gut which he easily swallowed down because _no, background only, dammit_.

            He shrugged, not answer. Like always.

            Shepard sighed. “You gonna be at the meeting today?”

            Kaidan hesitated, both at the question and the implication. The question was random and yet not unexpected, because Shepard skipped around all the time, various subjects and tangents and everything. The implication meant he was expected to _stay_ in Drama Club, and that wasn’t his intention. He was there only long enough to appease his mother, and since he let her know he had a friend – whether that was true or not was another matter entirely – he was technically off the hook. He could abandon Drama Club if he wanted.

            He opened his mouth to say exactly that; he didn’t need to go to the meetings anymore. He was free.

            But when he looked at Shepard to tell him that, he saw wide blue eyes intently focused on him, and he momentarily lost the ability to speak for reasons unknown to him. It was that same look, the same gaze, which accompanied that _grin_ Shepard gave him while welcoming him to Drama Club, to the _family_. And he couldn’t say no.

            So he nodded yes because _it’ll pass soon like it always does, just go with it and get it over with_.

            Shepard might enjoy his company _now_ – and why? Why did he enjoy it – but that would pass soon enough. It always did. Making friends was never the problem; it was keeping them.

            So he said yes, and would go to the meeting today, if only to make the inevitable abandonment happen all the sooner, when he was more prepared to handle it before he got attached. Attachment could never happen. It meant only trouble.

            “Cool,” Shepard told him with that damn grin, which widened ever so slightly. “It’ll be nice to have someone there who _doesn’t_ shout at me every two minutes.” He leaned back in his chair.

            Kaidan said nothing, mostly because didn’t have a response to give, and he wasn’t sure one was needed. The teacher entered the room then anyway, and instantly snapped, “Mr. Shepard, do not tip back in chairs!”

            He hadn’t realized the brunette was yet again tipping backward but now he focused on him and that deer-in-headlights gaze, only it was dim and mocking and not at all scared or guilty. How that look was possible was beyond him.

            “Busted,” Shepard sighed, dropping his chair forward again. “No matter what I do, I’m busted.”

            The smirk Kaidan hid confused the hell out of him. It had been a while since facial expression, by _him_ , entered the equation. He swallowed it down and focused on the incoming students who piled into the room.

           

As it turned out, his brother _did_ join the school. Kaidan didn’t realize until the second week when, at lunch, his brother, Kevin, approached him when he was on his way to sit with Shepard and few others from Drama Club at their usual table, mostly in the background. As far as Shepard and the others knew, he was an only child. It was painful to mention his siblings and how there was one _missing_ , one that would _forever_ be missing, and the distance from the remaining ones. He’d been an only child, in his mind, for years now.

            Even so, he nearly panicked when Kevin walked toward him and lightly touched his shoulder. The contact was familiar but vague, like a dream floating through fog, on the tip of his tongue and yet not there at all. He nearly applauded himself when he didn’t reveal anything, when he kept his expression neutral and stony, and almost smiled when Kevin’s expression dropped in what he knew was guilt. He knew what that felt like, had seen it often enough looking back at him in the mirror.

            He loved his brother; of course he did. But his rising panic, he realized, was not because he didn’t know what to say to his brother, but because _he’ll mess everything up._

            The realization momentarily blinded him, clogged his throat and left him breathless. The hand on his shoulder tightened and it took everything he had not to shove that vaguely-familiar hand away because _no_.

            _You don’t get to disappear for months and weeks and suddenly reappear like nothing happened. Just, no._

            And that brought him back to Kevin messing everything _up_.

            Because while he liked the background – the quiet, no obligation to say or do anything, no expectations, just quietly watching the world spin from afar. It was simple and easy and everything he didn’t feel right now.

            Kevin was always the popular one. He was a year older than Kaidan so they saw each other at school a lot. In middle school it had been fun; big brother there to save the day, to bring him his lunch if he forgot it, growl at bullies who thought Kaidan’s shyness meant he didn’t like said bullies or offended them somehow…

            He was there and it was fun.

            Then high school came. Then _it_ happened.

            The life he knew was gone and try as he might, he knew he could never, would never, get it back. So why even bother?

            And yet here… no one knew about any of that. There no pity glances being shot his way, no hushed conversations which quickly dispersed the minute he entered a room or walked by, fame and popularity for all the wrong reasons. Friendship came from the fame but disappeared just as quickly, formed and then forgotten like a rainy day.

            Kevin had been better than Kaidan. In almost every single way. He was taller and faster and stronger and smarted. No, he retracted, perhaps not smarter. It was the one area in which Kaidan excelled while Kevin had been remarkably average. The one area he was better, and it wasn’t an area that mattered at all. Because being smart, and knowing the pi not just to the nearest decimal but to all the numbers included in it, didn’t mean he had friends. It didn’t mean everything didn’t go to hell. It didn’t stop _it_.

            Kevin was popular; people liked him, gravitated toward him. He exuded calm friendliness, something Kaidan lacked. Always better than him in every way that mattered.

            Except here. Except now.

            A new identity, in theory. Same name but a different life. No attachment to _it_ and no attachment to _background_.

            The clarity which ebbed through his mind left him casting quick glances across the lunch room, where Shepard sat having a conversation with a few members from Drama Club. Good, he hadn’t noticed Kaidan lingering in this dark corner, near the trash cans where people rarely looked. Unnoticed. Background. Everything he knew and yet somehow, it wasn’t quite enough anymore. Except it was, because he wanted it.

            _Do you?_

            Yes. Yes he did. He could accept nothing more.

            The panic which clogged his throat, however briefly, allowed the clarity to reach his thoughts and put the pieces together, a patchwork fear he hadn’t even known he’d had.

            _If Kevin’s here… they’ll forget me._

            They’d forget him because Kevin was everything Kaidan wasn’t. And everyone liked him better. Always and forever, and he’d back in the background but that was okay. He expected it. Everyone would forget about him like he was never there.

            _Maybe even Shepard…_

            Where the thought came from he’d never know, but somehow it gnawed at him, heavy somewhere in his gut. For a long moment it was all he could think about. Those easy conversations would stop; Shepard would stop pestering him; he’d keep his distance; never talk to him again; those smiles would be shifted elsewhere.

            It was everything he expected and knew would happen eventually, everything he thought he wanted, and yet now it was wrong. So very wrong, because _no_.

            He didn’t ask for much. Just this. This one chance to maybe, just maybe, have-

            “This school is annoying,” Kevin was saying, complaining with this twisted expression furrowing his eyebrows. “There’s a lot of people who _won’t_ leave me alone.”

            This was not unexpected; people loved Kevin. Girls and guys as friends and would-be lovers. Not unexpected. At all.

            Except a part had been hoping… that his brother had changed in the months which had passed. Changed since _it_ happened, change like _he_ had, like everyone had, but it appeared that wasn’t the case.

            “Is it annoying for you?”

            Kaidan shook his head before he knew what he was doing. School was always annoying; he didn’t particularly _like_ waking at 6am every day, but he couldn’t bring himself to hate it, either. So, no, he couldn’t agree the school was annoying, at least not to a degree he actually minded it. Even Drama Club didn’t seem quite as annoying as it once did, even though he debated about ditching it in lieu of a quiet background with his name on it.

            There was _something_ about this school. Something different. And maybe, just maybe…

            Something that resembled things Kaidan thought impossible. Friendship, brief but incredibly _easy_. However brief it would be, it was nice while it lasted, he decided. Someone noticed him for the first time since _it_ happened, and for all the right reasons. Not because of _it_ and everything wrong in his life, but because for some reason, someone found him even the slightest bit interesting to talk to. Why or how this happened was a complete mystery to him, but he found he wasn’t quite willing to give it up just yet, despite what he thought this morning, in the classroom.

            Where he could have said no to Drama Club. Could have ended things then. It would have been easy, so easy. He’d say no and Shepard would drift away, a boat without a dock or anchor, and it would be so _easy_. So easy to ruin things, to go back to the background and watching from afar.

            And yet…

            “So who have you been hanging with?” Kevin asked casually, like he hadn’t completely thrown Kaidan’s world out of balance _again_ , with his sudden arrival and with his previous sudden departure. “Haven’t seen you much, Kaidey. You joined Drama Club, right? How is it?”

            “It’s fine,” Kaidan muttered, unable to hide his scowl. “And don’t call me that.”

            _Kaidey_ was a name reserved for _then_. When things were even remotely okay. Not now. Now from his brother, who vanished without warning for a long time, only now reappearing like nothing had changed when in reality, absolutely everything had.

            Kevin’s smile was brittle, broken glass ready to fall apart again, and there was this stab of satisfaction that Kevin _understood_ , even for just a moment. Realized how he messed up, how it _hurt_ to have him vanish after _it_ happened. Hurt like hell, the wound raw and gaping and seeing him again only picked at the scab which had barely formed.

            “I’m glad you’re doing okay,” Kevin said quietly.

            Kaidan’s mind flashed back to middle school. The soothing pat on his head from his big brother, even if he was only a year older. The quiet whispers in his ear when he himself didn’t know what to say, quietly giving him answers or telling him jokes he could use later. Asking him what he wanted on his sandwich, if he wanted Kevin to try and convince Dad to have steak that night…

            He wasn’t aware the tears were there until he couldn’t see his brother anymore. He blinked quickly until they vanished, and gave a firm nod. “I’m fine,” he said, voice just as quiet because _no_ , he couldn’t _do this right now, dammit_.

            Not in the middle of the lunch room. Not within seeing distance of his potential friends. Not surrounded by strangers. Just… not here, not right now.

            Kevin seemed to realize without being told, thankfully. The squeeze which pushed against Kaidan’s shoulder was as soft as it was firm, a push and pull of _stay don’t go but go don’t stay because I can’t do this_ …

            Kevin walked away. Kaidan wondered, briefly, if his family knew Kevin was even in town. They must have, he realized. They might have even told him had he not stayed in his room most of the time. He only spoke to his mother about a potential friend because she kept knocking on his door and he had homework, dammit, he couldn’t be distracted, and-

            He took a breath, composed himself with an ease which echoed with repetition, and managed to walk away. He wasn’t aware he was even still holding his lunch bag until he approached the table.

            The food here, as Shepard said, was generally bad. Foul tasting, but apparently healthy. Shepard swore there were _leaves_ in his salad instead of lettuce, and Kaidan was always relieved to have brought his own lunch, even if Shepard _did_ steel his apple every time.

            Yet another routine he hadn’t noticed forming.

            There were three lunch schedules here. All of the lunches occurred during fifth period, which was the longest period of the day due to the lunches. First lunch got to eat right after fourth period, and then thirty minutes later, in tromped second lunch. Thirty minutes later they cleared out and third lunch finally entered. Kaidan and Shepard had third lunch. Shepard often complained, stating there was never any food left during third lunch. They even ran out of salad one time.

            Kaidan brought his lunch because it was just easier that way. It was yet another routine. He’d wake in the morning, get dressed, then go downstairs to pack his lunch. Breakfast was never eaten because he couldn’t eat in the mornings. Just… no. It always upset his stomach when he ate right after getting up. So he packed himself a lunch and didn’t have to worry about the various complaints Shepard loudly expressed about the terrible state of third lunch.

            He told Shepard, in one of his brief moments of chatter, to bring his own lunch so he wouldn’t have to worry about this. Shepard grumbled something and then promptly went quiet the rest of lunch, a proverbial wall in Kaidan’s face. He didn’t bring it up again.

            Shepard looked up as though sensing his arrival, and tossed him a quick grin while gesturing at the only remaining seat at the table, which was position next to him. “Hey, Kaidan, saved you a seat.”

            _Well that was nice._

            He took this knowledge, this feeling of _what the hell why is this happening this isn’t the background dammit_ and tucked it away somewhere in his mind, quietly sitting down next to Shepard.

            “So,” Shepard said conversationally, turning blue eyes on him, “you seem nervous.”

            _How the hell can you tell?_

            Kaidan was good at schooling his features. No one should have been able to tell anything was even slightly amiss.

            “What.”

            The word was thick and heavy on his tongue, but it slid past his lips just the same.

            Shepard watched him for a moment before he shrugged. “About Drama Club, I mean. You shouldn’t be – it’s really not that bad, honest.” Then, as an afterthought: “Unless you’re me. Then it sucks.”

            “That’s only because you have a knack for making people want to pummel you,” commented someone from Drama Club. Kaidan thought his name was Garrus but he couldn’t be sure. He sat two seats down from Shepard. It was a small circular table so he was practically on the other side, across from them.

            “Shut it,” Shepard threw at him. “Eat your peas in peace!”

            Garrus shrugged and shoved a forkful of peas in his mouth. Kaidan had the vague notion it was to spite Shepard.

            Shepard grimaced. “How the hell can you eat those? For one, they’re freaking peas. For two, they’re _peas_. And three.. c’mon, dammit, it’s _school_ peas. That alone should send you running to the hospital.”

            “You’re just mad ‘cause you’re not eatin’,” Garrus said with a grin. There was a scar curved around his face, faint but there, if only barely. Kaidan hadn’t noticed it before, at least not really, but in this lighting it was a little more noticeable. “Picky. Like a girl.”

            “I will stab you with a spork!” Shepard threatened, and Kaidan swallowed down an honest-to-God _laugh_ because _oh God he sounds so serious_.

            “You don’t even have one,” Garrus retorted.

            “I’ll get one!” He turned to Kaidan of all people. “K, back me up! Produce a spork!”

            Kaidan frowned, confused as to why he’d been drawn into this spork conversation, and that was just so damn _absurd_ he couldn’t help but answer. “Um… I don’t have one, Shepard.”

            “Don’t give me that,” Shepard scoffed, “I know you have plastic utensils in there somewhere.” He grabbed at his lunch box. Without thinking, Kaidan scowled and pulled it away, smacking at his hand, the movement automatic and easy and everything it shouldn’t have been. Shepard pouted at him, lower lip sticking out yet again. “You? Smacking me too? Oh, that hurts, man. Right here.” He pressed a hand over his heart with this twisted expression of mock hurt etched on his face, eyes too bright to truly feel ‘hurt’ as he said.

            Kaidan smirked. He couldn’t help it. It felt good, too – smirking instead of keeping a neutral face or frowning. Why couldn’t it always be this easy?

            “Face it, Shep, no one likes you,” Garrus chuckled.

            “Silence!” Shepard rounded on him, index finger slashing through the air like a sword.

            “Watch it, or I’ll have James and Ashley make you do something tonight.”

            “You wouldn’t,” Shepard all but growled, eyes widening ever so slightly. “Garrus!”

            “I would.”

            “Just ‘cause you’re dating Tali…”

            This was news to Kaidan, although he wasn’t ‘up to speed’ on gossip. How Tali could make Garrus make James do something – and yes he knew how crazy that sentence sounded, dammit – was beyond him. As was this conversation.

            Shepard turned to him again, leveling him with that stare he couldn’t seem to ignore. “You’ll back me up, right? Say he was being all rude and cruel? Say he threatened to stab me with a _spork_ of all freaking things?”

            “That was _you_ ,” Garrus accused. “Get your story straight.”

            “Lies!” Shepard said immediately, still watching Kaidan, unaware Kaidan had yet to blink though he didn’t know _why_. “You see, K, he’s a liar. We should ignore him. You’re with me, right?”

            “Um…” He cleared his throat. It shouldn’t be hard to answer. Or he could ignore the question. Either was fine, right? “Sure, Shepard.”

            The grin Shepard flashed him shouldn’t have left him clearing his throat. Perhaps he was getting a cold; he should get that checked.

            “Great,” Shepard said, throwing a dramatic arm over the back of Kaidan’s neck, over his shoulders, tugging him closer than was probably necessary, or maybe that was just Kaidan freaking out over the fact he hadn’t been this close to anyone in _years_ , but of course Shepard didn’t know that. “We’re ‘K and Shepard’,” Shepard declared with this goofy little grin. “All should fear us. We will one day rule the world and _everything_. And we can kick jerks like _him_ ” – his thumb jabbed toward Garrus – “off of it.”

            “You can’t kick people off of Earth,” Garrus pointed out while eating some more peas.

            It was easy to tune him out, though, with that arm still doing _something_ to his back, making it relax even though he should pull away, dammit, because _what the heck_ …

            “Oh yes I can,” Shepard said. “With a rocket. Right, K?”

            “Sure,” Kaidan breathed, mostly on autopilot. “Whatever you say.”

            Shepard released him, easily pulling his arm away, out of Kaidan’s personal bubble, and the cold he felt where he previously felt warm was unsettling. He blamed it on the fact he hadn’t been touched in a while – at least not like that, pulled close with a friendly arm around his shoulders. It… wasn’t terrible.

            “I hear we’re doing some small play today,” Garrus was saying when Kaidan tuned back into the conversation. “For fun.”

            “… Who picked it out?” Shepard asked slowly, exuding suspicion.

            “Ashley.”

            “Dammit,” Shepard sighed. “That woman just won’t stop, will she? You should stop her, Garrus.”

            “How?” A delicate brow rose, but the question was full of humor, not an actual inquiry.

            “I don’t know,” Shepard said, “you’re the one with a girlfriend on the inside. Be _persuasive_.”

            That tone definitely shouldn’t have left chills inching along Kaidan’s spine.

            _Damn air vents all over the damn place._

            The school liked to keep it cold so students didn’t fall asleep. Joke was on them, Kaidan felt more tired when he was cold.

            Garrus shrugged. “She’s stubborn.”

            “So I’ve noticed,” Shepard muttered. “Oh well, I just won’t volunteer today.”

            “Like you ever have a choice,” Garrus scoffed.

            “Not my fault.”

            “Whatever, Shep.”

            Confusion was a raw echo through him. He didn’t mean to react to it, but his mouth formed the question anyway. “What?”

            _Yeah, real brilliance with that question. Nice going. Idiot._

            Shepard glanced back at him, shaking his head. “Do I have a sign on me that says ‘Hey pick me! I must be in this play! Heyyy!’ on it?”

            Kaidan frowned. “Um… no?”

            “And yet Ashley keeps making me do things,” he said, and then fake shivered. “Horrible, ungodly things like getting slapped for no reason. I didn’t sign up for this.”

            “You didn’t technically sign up,” Garrus pointed out, finished with his food.

            “Shhh, you,” Shepard hissed.

            Again the question formed before his mind could catch up and stop it. “What?”

            _Goddamn intelligent, that’s what you are._

            _Shut up, Mind. I’ll deal with you later._

            “His _brother_ signed him up,” Garrus said with this laugh which echoed around them, loud and real and everything Kaidan knew nothing about.

            “Brother?” The word felt foreign on his lips. He realized it had been a while since he said it aloud. Even so he hadn’t heard Shepard mention siblings, or… well, come to think of it, _anything_ , really. He asked all kinds of questions but rarely released any information about himself.

            _Why is that?_

            “Yeah,” Garrus said with a nod. “His name’s Sam. He signed Shepard up two years ago, as a prank. Shepard stuck around to spite him and now he’s stuck with us.”

            “He’s a damn manipulative bastard,” Shepard grumbled. Then he paused, glancing at Kaidan, running his gaze over him with this quick, calculating look in his eyes before it abruptly vanished. “You two might get along, actually. You’re kind of alike.”

            Kaidan paused. “I’m a… damn manipulative bastard?” he echoed, mostly to clarify. He hadn’t manipulated anyone; at least not that he knew of.

            Shepard frowned. “What? No! I-… God, no. I didn’t mean it like that.” He laughed slightly, then. It was quieter than Garrus’ but just as powerful. “No. Sam’s not really… like that, I guess, just… when he wants to be.” He took a breath, squirming somewhat in his seat. “But I bet you could be cunning, too, if you tried.”

            If he tried, yes. He could be a lot of things. It just wouldn’t last.

            “I mean,” Shepard continued, “he’s smart, quiet, kind of shy…”

            _And I’m like that?_

            Who was he kidding; he knew he was. Or, at least, that was what people thought. Sometimes the lie became the truth somewhere along the line.

            “Most of the time you’re kind of like that,” Shepard said, thumping him on the back with a chuckle, but there was _something_ in his voice which hinted at something unspoken. “Anyway, hurry up and eat. You’re coming with me to get ice cream.”

            Kaidan _didn’t_ choke on his sandwich but he came pretty damn close. “What?”

            _Goddamn word of the day, that’s what it is._

            “Yep, you’re coming with me. So hurry up before lunch ends.”

            He took a breath, attempting to clear his throat of random crumbs. “Why?”

            _Different word; moving up in the world, aren’t you?_

_Please, for the love of God, shut up, Mind._

            “Because I said so,” Shepard said, knocking his shoulder into Kaidan’s. “So hurry up, would you?”


	3. Chapter Three

Chapter Three

 

It was dark when Kaidan and Shepard entered room 124. This didn’t particularly bother him, but it was slightly unexpected. At least it was until the glanced at Shepard, who didn’t appear at all surprised or moved by this fact. Perhaps he was just out of the loop; it wouldn’t be the first time.

            “Might wanna stay close,” Shepard all but whispered to him, voice only just loud enough for him to hear. “Never know what’s gonna happen in here. These people are crazy.”

            “An you?” He didn’t mean to ask; it didn’t really matter. And yet he waited for a response nevertheless. Because that was polite, dammit, and his mom raised him right. After asking a question you damn well better wait for a response and be attentive.

            “Oh, I’m crazy too.” He could hear the grin in Shepard’s voice even though he couldn’t see it. It wasn’t contagious only because he was so good at _not smiling_. Why it would be even _remotely_ contagious was another matter entirely, one he didn’t particularly want to think about.

            Keeping close to Shepard as they entered further into the room should have been a problem because _personal bubble, dammit,_ but somehow that didn’t seem to matter. Odd.

            Shepard suddenly grabbed his arm and pulled him close, so close he could smell the faintest whiff of vanilla ice cream on his breath and the _what is that cologne dammit_. He didn’t stiffen as much as he thought he would have, but it startled him. “Shepard, what-” he started but was stopped when something slammed into him, sudden and wet and cold and “What the hell!”

            The lights flipped on once he was thoroughly soaked and Shepard stepped away from him. Busted water balloons lined the floor. He tossed a quick glance at Shepard who wasn’t even remotely wet except for his arm, where it had been touching Kaidan and _no_ , he wasn’t going to think about that right now, dammit. Goddamn personal bubble because, _reasons_.

            “Sorry,” Garrus said, emerging from behind a table which lay on its side on the ground. The lights brightened the room enough for him to see clearly the apology in Garrus’ brown eyes. “I was going for Shepard.”

            “Sorry, K,” Shepard said quietly, and he _did_ sound sincere. “But I needed a shield. And, you know, you’re the best.”

            The frown was more automatic than anything. He wanted to be angry that he’d been used like that, that he was dripping wet and cold, but the burning ember didn’t spark or ignite and thus he felt no anger. Absolutely none. The only thing he felt was cold and yet conflicted though he didn’t know _why_. “Uh…”

            _Intelli-_

_Goddamn it, Mind, shut up._

            “Do you forgive me?” The question was innocent and sincere but those eyes were apologetic. Bright and wide and-

            _Stop staring, dammit._

            He shrugged, averting his gaze because _unnerving._ That’s why. Just… unnerving, that gaze with those eyes and _background, only think of the background you could have had._

“Sure,” he breathed with a shrug, “no… big deal.”

            To be honest it wasn’t. It was a joke; he knew that much. A joke intended for someone else, but a joke nevertheless. Except he was freezing and shivering and _goddamn it why does this happen to me_ …

            Shepard’s expression morphed but he was too cold to decipher it at the moment. The next second there was a warm, solid arm looping across his neck and shoulders much as it had in the lunch room, and with it came that same burst of _what is happening_ …

            Shepard guided them past Garrus and the others who popped out of various corners of the room, some still holding full water balloons which he hoped would not be lobbed their way because _goddamn cold dammit_.

            They headed toward the door labeled ‘COSTUMES’. Shepard pushed the door open and the two entered. The room was crowded. Costumes and outfits cluttered the walls and left them in a small aisle of clothing, pressed together. Again came the faint smell of vanilla and something else.

            “Sorry for the tight fit,” Shepard said, “but we have towels in here… somewhere.” He pulled his arm away and _no_ , he did _not_ feel a difference, and began rummage through a few random boxes which sat along the ground at their feet. “We just switched rooms not too long ago,” Shepard was saying as he searched, “so we’re not completely unpacked or, you know, organized.”

            “It’s fine,” Kaidan said, shivering again.

            Shepard threw a towel at him which he easily caught. “You can change, too, if you want,” he said.

            “Um…” he breathed, frowning. “What?”

            He didn’t have any spare clothes with him. He didn’t expect to get soaked and cold.

            Shepard pulled out a dark red shirt from under one of the boxes, smirking at him as he held it out. Automatically Kaidan’s fingers closed around the offered clothing, slowly taking it from him. “This isn’t the first time they’ve tried something like this,” Shepard explained at the confused look which Kaidan knew must have been on his face. “I’ve learned to keep clothes around where I can get to them easily. Unfortunately, due to a fiasco two weeks ago, I don’t have any spare pants lying around. So your ass is wet, Kaidan.”

            _What the heck…_

            “That’s fine,” Kaidan sighed. “Thanks for the shirt. I’ll give it back, um… tomorrow.”

            “It’s okay,” Shepard said, shaking his head. The light behind his short-cropped brown hair left an odd silhouette. “I’ve got a ton of them. You can have it.”

            “Thanks,” Kaidan said, uncertain as to what he should do with this… gift? No, that was too personal. Offering? Now he sounded like a God demanding a sacrifice. Offer of friendship. There, that sounded better.

            Shepard made no move to leave. Kaidan stood there, quietly watching him for a long moment. Sometimes he forgot he wasn’t part of the background anymore, at least not around Shepard. People noticed him staring and watching now, but he found averting his gaze took too much effort, especially when they were forced to be so close at the moment.

            “Um, right,” Shepard said, quietly stepping away, toward the doorway. “You should, uh, change. I’ll be out here if you, um… Need me. Not that I don’t think you can dress yourself just fine.”

            The smirk tugged at Kaidan’s lips but he managed to swallow it back down, giving a nod instead. “Thanks again,” he said.

            The silence which followed Shepard’s departure was oddly unwanted, though not unexpected. Being alone in a room with only his thoughts was both loud and quiet at the same time.

            His wet shirt tickled his skin as he pulled it off and let it drop to the floor with this quiet squishing sound. Shivering, he quickly tugged the red shirt on. They were roughly the same size, he noticed almost as an after thought as he picked his wet shirt off the floor and wrapped his towel around it, exiting the room.

            There was a moment of brief, very brief, disappointment when Shepard wasn’t outside the room like he said he’d be. Not that it mattered, of course. Not like he had any real reason to wait there.

            Instead Ashley stood there, rubbing a hand across the back of her neck sheepishly. “Um… Sorry about Garrus,” she said. “We were in the back and didn’t know what he was planning.”

            “It’s fine,” he said. It was too late to do anything about it now, after all.

            “You can hit him if you want.”

            He blinked. Hit him? No, that was absurd. It was just water balloons, lobbed with humor and friendship, even if it wasn’t meant for him. “No thanks,” he said.

            She shrugged. “Okay. Shepard!” She spun and latched out with a hand, snapping hold of Shepard’s arm as he walked past, unnoticed to everyone except Ashley.

            “Ack,” Shepard gasped, yanked to a sudden halt, “woman! What do you want?”

            “I have the best idea,” she said.

            “Uh…” Shepard looked at Kaidan, blue eyes searching his own brown ones inquisitively, but he had no answers to give. “Um… Ashley, you’re scaring me. Let go.” He shook his arm in a fake attempt at freeing himself and she only tightened her grip.

            “No, you’re going to love it,” she promised him, smiling while Garrus laughed somewhere in the background. It echoed and bounced off the walls. He was entirely too happy about this, Kaidan thought, but he said nothing.

            “Garrus! Just wait until I get my spork!” Shepard growled. “K, I’m leaving it up to you to get the spork. Don’t let me down.”

            “I’m not going to buy a damn _spork_ , Shepard,” Kaidan said, scowling. It was easy and honest and _why can’t it always be easy_ …

            “Why not?” Shepard asked.

            “Because,” he replied.

            “ ‘cause why?”

            “What are you, a kid? No. I don’t even know where to _find_ a spork to buy it.”

            _That should stop the questions._

            Shepard smirked. “Then I’ll have to steal one.” He turned and vowed to Garrus, “Beware! I _will_ get that spork. And when I do… ohhhh the things I am going to do.”

            “Shepard, be serious,” Ashley said, rolling her eyes.

            “I am,” Shepard replied innocently.

            “Yeah, right,” Garrus said, approaching them. “And I’m the Virgin Mary.”

            Shepard’s eyes widened. “Really? But I _heard_ you and Tali-”

            The sound Garrus made could have been a laugh, a gasp or a plea, but it came out this confused, jumbled mess as he quickly stepped forward and sealed his hand over Shepard’s mouth. “Shhhhh!”

            “Boys,” Ashley drawled, “play nice.”

            Shepard sighed and pried the hand away from his face. “What did you have that was _such_ a great idea?”

            “It’s great,” she said. “You’re going to be in it.”

            “I’m _what_? No I’m not.”

            “Yes you are.” Her gaze turned to Kaidan. She looked him up and down before a wide smile crossed her face. He felt like an animal being sized up by a hunter before they went in for the kill. “You can be in it too, you seem perfect for it.”

            “Uh…” he started, confused. No one ever used _perfect_ when describing him. It was odd and unnerving and he wasn’t sure he liked it.

            “It’s nothing bad, don’t worry,” Ashley chuckled. “You and Shepard are the stars.”

            “I’m what? Lies! I don’t even wanna be in it!” Shepard said petulantly. Kaidan almost expected him to stomp his foot on the ground.

            “And make Kaidan be in it alone? It’s his first skit, Shepard. Really, be nice.”

            “I’m always nice!”

            “Not right now.”

            “Silence.” Shepard frowned and turned to look at Kaidan, teeth chewing faintly at his lower lip, the lip which often stuck out in this pout which left him feeling a little not like himself. “Um… if you really want to do the skit…. uh… I guess I could do it with you. If you want. Or not. Whatever.”

            Kaidan paused. He heard Ashley state he could be in it and that he’d be _perfect_ for it but that didn’t mean he actually thought about, about being in it. He joined Drama Club to get his parents off his back; not to be in a play or a skit or anything. That fight-or-flight response kicked back in and he was certain his sudden pallor was noticeable. “Um…”

            _Say something. Say something coherent. Say something!_

            “Sure,” he said before his brain realized what he was saying, and after that it was too late to retract it because Ashley was grinning and Shepard was nodding.

            “We’ll do it,” Shepard said to Ashley.

            She _squealed_. Honest-to-God squealed like those girls he watched fawning over guys on TV, and he flinched, the sound grating to his ears, sandpaper against skin. Shepard tossed her a look and she at least looked slightly apologetic. “Sorry. Okay, I’ll go get your scripts. It’s not that long, just two friends after a party. Good for a first skit.”

            “Uh huh…” Shepard said, eyes narrowed suspiciously. “Sure.”

            “Honest!”

            “Okay.” He shook his head and she hurried away, quickly being joined by Garrus and the girl, Tali, a few beats later. Together, they disappeared onto the stage and then behind the curtains. Kaidan turned his gaze back toward Shepard when he heard him shift next to him, and frowned at him.

            “Should I be scared?” The question ebbed with faint echoes of humor, something he recognized only in other people and never himself. It was… nice.

            “Yes,” Shepard said somberly, sounding completely serious. “Be very afraid.”

            Kaidan shook his head. “Thanks for the shirt,” he said again, unable to think of anything else to say, or afraid to get an answer.

            “No problem,” Shepard said with a quick shrug, a lazy roll of his shoulders. “Keep it. Gah, I hope Ashley’s little skit isn’t bad. And doesn’t involve me getting _slapped_ again.”

            “Yeah, why’d she do that?” he couldn’t help but ask. It hadn’t exactly been chewing at his mind, but he’d briefly wondered about it.

            Shepard shrugged. “It was James’ idea. I don’t know, it went with the skit I guess. Apparently I was being a jerk so Kasumi slapped me.”

            Kaidan said nothing, mostly because nothing seemed appropriate. He supposed he could say Shepard wasn’t a jerk, but the tone which was used hinted at humor, not actual despair or anything in his voice. He still felt as though he should say _something_ , because Shepard was his friend. Or, rather, he was the closest thing to a friend he had. So he should say something.

            He had no idea what, though.

            Ashley approached them with two scripts in hand. They didn’t seem very thick or long, which made him give this quiet, relieved sigh as he took it from her as she handed them out. Shepard took his and easily flipped through the pages, gaze scanning over the typed letters.

            Kaidan glanced down at his own stapled paper. Shepard, meanwhile, was already snorting.

            “I have to play a guy name ‘George’? Really?”

           ‘George’ was by no means a bad name. A little… boring, perhaps, but not bad.

            Still, he couldn’t help but _almost_ chuckle. Almost. “If it helps,” he said, “I’m a character named Oscar.”

            Shepard laughed, this light, happy sound which didn’t quite echo like Garrus’, but it might as well have.

            “Ashley likes those kind of names, I guess,” Shepard said, laugh quieting to a light grin. He turned his gaze back toward the script, scowling. “Of course they make me the drunk.”

            Kaidan paused because he didn’t know what the script was about. He flicked through the pages carefully. “I have to pick you up from a party.”

            “Yep. Apparently I’m an ass.”

            The curve of his lips, slightly upward, wasn’t large or noticeable, but it was there nevertheless, and it was real. “Apparently,” he said quietly.

            Shepard sighed. “We usually get about two weeks to practice, depending on length and how long our lines are and everything.”

            “Okay.” That sound doable, though he didn’t particularly like the thought of being involved with a skit or play. He was in Drama Club, though, so he had to expect it sometime.

            “Looks like we’ll be seeing a lot of each other,” Shepard said, and if his gaze slid over him longer than necessary, neither of them said anything. “Practicing.”

            Kaidan’s ears were not hot. Nope, he was the picture of cold ice because his pants were still wet and he was cold.

            Ashley clapped her hands, disturbing his train of thought and the moment shattered, whatever the moment was. Shepard glanced away, looking at Ashley. “Okay, everyone, I’ve assigned most of you different skits. We will perform them in two weeks, so be ready! Also, as you all know but I’m to say for Kaidan’s benefit, we will be meeting every day after school until then, to rehearse. Any questions?’

            Kaidan didn’t have any, but he still felt confused. Why every day? This was going to take up more of his time than he thought.

            Shepard threw him a grin.

            And goddamn it, it was more contagious than before. He had to actually _look away_ to hide the smirk.


	4. Chapter Four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The more I write this, the less sure I become :/ 
> 
> Shepard now has a brother named Sam. Why Sam? Because why not XD I don't know anyone named Sam, that's why. At least, personally know them. It's the clone, basically, but I made him younger because why not. I think that's about all you need to know right now ;)

Chapter Four

 

_I can’t believe I’m doing this._

            In all honesty, he never thought he’d be doing something like this. He was only doing it _now_ because his mother kept nagging him, pestering him with all these _questions_ , and this was the easiest way to get her off his back. _See? I have friends. Leave me alone._ Worrying about him was not something she needed to do.

            He never went home with anyone. He normally walked or took a bus, or on rare occasions, his mother would come get him if she got off early. After Drama Club, though, since it lasted later, there was no bus to take so he usually walked. The family car had long ago gone to Kevin, despite the fact he vanished with it. Either way, he never went with anyone.

            For the past two weeks there was nothing but rehearsal after rehearsal, every day. They would be performing their skits soon. He was both looking forward to it and dreading it. At least after that it would be over; he’d have no obligations, nothing to worry about, and he’d get his days after school back. He could leave Drama Club, having fulfilled the job he set out to do.

            Shepard was still inside room 124, talking to Garrus and Ashley. Kaidan waited outside the room, leaning against the wall neither impatiently or patiently, looking down the empty hallway before him. The school seemed so quiet after hours, while during the day it was loud and crowded and he could barely hear himself think.

            Shepard finally emerged from the room and joined him in the hallway. “Sorry,” he said, shrugging on a light jacket. “Are you ready?”

            Kaidan nodded. Shepard turned and started walking down a hallway. He followed after him quietly, wondering yet again why he was doing this. To be honest, because his mom was pestering him and because Shepard offered. Offered to take him home after rehearsal since he noticed he always walked, and it was supposed to be cold today, with the chance of rain. Shepard offered to rehearse with him before he took him home, despite the fact they had done nothing but rehearsed lately. They would be performing their skit in front of the group later this week.

            _Alright. It’s not that bad. Get it over with._

            Sighing, he stuffed his hand in his pockets. The two exited the school, through the back doors he’d never noticed before, and a harsh breeze slammed into them. It momentarily took his breath away because that was something he wasn’t expecting. He was used to the weather in Vancouver, so he was used to the cold. That left him a little unprepared for this, though. He, of course, thought he could handle the weather here just fine, without a jacket because what these people considered cold, he considered normal. What he wasn’t expecting was the chill of the air brushing against his skin, leaving him giving into a mild shiver.

            Walking through the parking lot, he struggled to contain the shivers and thought he was doing a pretty good job of it before something slipped over his shoulders. He stiffened and jumped all at the same time, shooting a glance toward Shepard who no longer wore a jacket. The warmth of said jacket was draped over his shoulders, and his fingers clutched at the fabric automatically.

            “You looked cold,” Shepard said nonchalantly, not even looking at him. “I’m fine.”

            “I can’t…” It was nice for Shepard to offer to give him his jacket, but it was his jacket and having him shiver wasn’t a fair trade off when Kaidan was the one who stupidly left his jacket behind because he didn’t think it’d be this cold. Even in Vancouver he brought at least a jacket everywhere.

            “It’s fine,” Shepard said. “We’re almost to my car.” He sped up, either because he was getting cold or in an attempt to stop the conversation, Kaidan would never know. Kaidan sighed and followed after him, clutching the jacket around his shoulders. It was surprisingly warmer than he thought it’d be.

            Shepard stopped in front of a car. “This is my baby.”

            Kaidan glanced at the car, having not really noticed it before. It was a dark, metallic red, old Dodge Stratus, nothing too fancy or particularly excellent, but it was transportation and it was obvious Shepard was proud of it. “Nice,” he commented, because he felt he should say something.

            Shepard chuckled and opened the driver side door. Kaidan slid in from the passenger side, easily pulling on his seatbelt as Shepard keyed the ignition. They pulled out of the parking lot while Shepard hummed under his breath, a melody which was almost familiar, but he couldn’t place.

            “We gotta make a stop first,” Shepard said suddenly, “if you don’t mind.”

            _Of course._

            “Where?” he asked, glancing at him.

            Shepard shrugged. “Gotta pick up Sam from school. He stayed after for some academic thing.”

            Kaidan paused. “Doesn't he go to school with you?”

            Shepard shook his head. “No. He's fifteen. He wanted to stay in school with his friends and not come here. He likes being a big fish in a small pond, so to speak. Plus I don’t think he'd like going to school with his brother. Individuality and all that.”

            They drove in silence for a few minutes, turning down various streets Kaidan didn’t recognize. He’d yet to actually explore the town, only remembering the route to school and back.

            As the minutes ticked by, a part of him became somewhat nervous. Nervous about meeting Sam. Meeting one’s family was a sign of friendship, he was sure. He wasn’t very familiar with the concept, rarely ever brought anyone to meet his family. Even having Shepard drive him home, he didn’t plan on letting him come inside. That was just… no.

            Guilt nibbled at the edges of his mind. He was going to meet Shepard’s brother, and Shepard didn’t even know he had any siblings. Everyone thought he was an only child. The conflicting emotions – anxiety, dread, guilt – weighed through him, colliding into a conflicted mess.

            “He’ll probably come with us,” Shepard said, “if that’s okay.”

            He took a breath. “Okay.” There was little he could say about, it right? Should he said it _wasn’t_ okay? No, that seemed rude.

            The tension he hadn’t noticed before rolled off Shepard’s shoulders. “Good. You’ll love him.”

            Kaidan almost frowned to himself. He wasn’t sure why, but he assumed there was something Shepard wasn’t saying, though he couldn’t place what. If Shepard didn’t want to share it with him, that was his business and he was entitled to his privacy. He wasn’t sure if the tension was because Kaidan was in the car, about picking up his brother, or Kaidan’s answer. Again, though, privacy. He had no right to ask.

            Shepard started humming again. It was this pleasant sound even if it was a little off-key, and it broke the silence which briefly surrounded them. Kaidan turned his gaze out the passenger window, relaxing marginally now that the conversation – and the conflicting emotions – seemed to be over.

           

            Sam wasn’t what Kaidan was expecting. He not idea _what_ he’d been expecting; perhaps someone the same as Shepard, with semi-broad shoulders, thin yet muscular form (from what he could tell through the shirt, anyway), short cropped brunette hair, and blue eyes. Sam wasn’t like that, though. Instead he _almost_ fit that description. He looked like Shepard in a lot of ways – the curve of his jaw, the bend of his nose, the cheekbones – but in others he was very different. He didn’t have blue eyes, but brown, and his hair, while brown, was longer, going down around his ears. He still appeared to be growing, younger than them though he had no idea how much, quickly catching up to them in size.

            Sam didn’t have Shepard’s personality, either. Shepard chatted away as soon as Sam got into the car, barely getting out a quick ‘Sam, this is Kaidan. Kaidan, my little brother, Sam’ before he started talking about various things, switching topics and subjects so randomly it made Kaidan’s head spin.

            It looked like Kaidan wasn’t the only one Shepard talked with like this. Carefully, he studied the guy’s profile, as he was want to do as part of the background. His expression was softer, somewhat, or maybe that was the lighting, giving it this soft edge which hadn’t been there in school. Whether it was because they were out of school or because Sam was there or a combination of both, he had no idea.

            A few minutes later, they arrived at a small café-looking place. It was small and homey, at least. Kaidan, of course, had never been here. He didn’t, as Shepard would say, get out much.

            They got a table in the back corner, but with a window for a wall, and ordered three milkshakes; a vanilla one for Shepard, a chocolate one for Kaidan, and a strawberry one for Sam.

            “So, what’s this play about you guys are doing?” Sam asked casually as they waited on their milkshakes.

            “I’m drunk and call him from a party so he can take me home,” Shepard said with a shrug. “That’s mostly it, I guess. We haven’t really gotten to rehearse much ‘cause Ashley gave Kasumi, Tali, Garrus, and Steve this really long one, so they’ve been practicing.”

            Sam nodded as though all of those names were familiar to him. They probably were, Kaidan realized. He maybe even met them before. A part of him felt like he was intruding.

            “Easy lines?” Sam asked.

            “Mostly,” Shepard said. “It’s the actions that are gonna be confusing, though. I’ve gotta act all drunk.”

            “Should be easy,” Sam said with a snort.

            Shepard rolled his eyes. “Sam.” His tone issued a warning and a threat and Sam shrugged.

            The idea that they were hiding something slid through his mind, but he said nothing about it because it wasn’t any of his business. If Shepard wanted to tell him, he would.

            Their milkshakes arrived soon enough, and it was then Kaidan’s eyes widened as he quickly checked his pockets, his heart doing this odd lurching thing when he found them empty.

            _I have no money. Crap._

            “Relax,” Shepard said, resting a hand on his arm, seemingly aware of what was bothering him. “I’ve got it. It’s on me.”

            “Are you sure?” Kaidan asked. Guilt and shame battled through him. First there was the jacket – being cold was his own damn fault – and now this, making him pay for everything. That didn’t seem very fair.

            “It’s fine,” Shepard said, turning his gaze toward Sam. “So, how was your academic whatcha-call-it, Sammy?”

            Sam scowled, either at the terrible name of his academic thing, or at the nickname, he wasn’t sure. “Academic Club,” he corrected. “It was fine. And don't call me that. Unless you _want_ me to tell Kaidan your first name."

            Shepard spluttered, nearly choking on his milkshake as he coughed. Kaidan, meanwhile, frowned mostly to himself because he honestly thought Shepard was his first name. Then again, the teacher _did_ say ‘Mr. Shepard’. But even the people in Drama Club called him ‘Shepard’.

            “Fine,” Shepard breathed. “Sam it is.”

 

“Wha’ d’ya mean?” Shepard slurred as he blinked stupidly, vacantly, at Kaidan, leaning against a wall as though for balance. Kaidan frowned at him, as was scripted, and stepped forward slightly.

            “You’re drunk.” The words felt heavy on his tongue, mostly because he _knew_ people were watching them, even if the bright lights on the stage left him unable to see them.

            “S’ wha’ if I am?” Shepard questioned, still slurring greatly, staggering a little when he started to move away from the wall. To help him, Kaidan moved forward even more and grabbed his arm, keeping him from tumbling to the ground. That little facit hadn’t been in the script.

            “I’m taking you home.”

            “Lemme ‘lone,” Shepard said, pushing him away with a soft growl, looking somewhat dizzy. It was an expression which seemed more sincere than it should have been.

            “Come on.” Kaidan kept a hold of his arm and tugged him forward, wrapping an arm around his shoulders, much as Shepard did to him once upon a time, guiding him and keeping him on his feet at the same time. Shepard tried to pull away from him and he sighed. “Would you stop? You’re hammered.”

            “Wha’s your point?”

            Kaidan shook his head. “You’re going home. Now. You called me.”

            “I’m drunk… you shouldn’t take anythin’ I say ser’sously.”

            Kaidan sighed, fighting the urge to rub his thumb and index finger along the top of his nose. “Yeah, well, I did and now I’m here. Come on.”

            “Lemme ‘lone. Leggo.” Shepard tried to tug away. Kaidan tightened his hold in response, which, again, wasn’t part of the script, but it seemed like something which should be done in this situation.

            “No. Come on.”

            “Good job, boys,” Ashley declared from the sidelines. Kaidan blinked, snapping out of the guy he’d been trying to be, and looked up, the lights on the stage dimming. Others watched them, as he knew they were, but there had been a moment, however brief, where he almost forgot about them. Shepard was still warm in his grasp.

            Shepard chuckled. “Thanks,” he said, no longer sounding slurred, the dazed expression on his face completely gone.

He was good at acting drunk, Kaidan realized.

            Maybe there was a story behind that. Again, though, none of his business.

            Shepard pulled away from him again and this time, Kaidan let him, not stopping him. A part of him tried to stop him, attempted to wrap his fingers tighter in the fabric of his shirt, but that part of him was easily overpowered because the moment was over, the skit was over, at least for today, and he could let go now.

            “Great job,” Shepard told him with a grin.

            The smile with which Kaidan grinned back was as startling as much as it was natural. “Thanks,” he said. “Not so bad yourself.”

            “Only another few days to rehearse.”

            “Yeah.” A few days of rehearsing. It would have taken less time, except the skits varied in length and the longer ones needed more practice, so theirs kind of got shoved to the background, but that was okay.

            “We’ll be ready,” Shepard said.

            Kaidan nodded. He already knew his lines; remembering them was easy, it was just acting it out that bothered him. It didn’t explicitly say what he was supposed to be doing with his _body_ while he said the lines, so he wondered if he should, in fact, move to support Shepard or stand back and watch.

            “Milkshakes?”

            The question was random and quiet, but he found himself nodding nevertheless.

            “I have money this time.”

            He’d brought some, just in case. Just in case this was a new ritual. _Just in case_.

            Shepard shook his head. “I told you – I can pay.”

            Kaidan shrugged.

            Shepard sighed and gestured toward the door. “Let’s go, then. Sam won’t be joining us today.”

            _Less people_ , Kaidan surmised. That was fine with him. Only because he didn’t know Sam very well; that was it. There was no other possible reason he’d be okay with this. Nope.


	5. Chapter Five

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if they are kind of OOC, but this is an AU, sooooo yeah. I hope it sounds okay :/

Chapter Five

 

If he was being honest with himself, school was steadily getting better. He didn’t hate his classes, but then, he never really did. Classes were classes, and he was smart enough to pass them easily. Nothing particularly challenged him, except Drama Club. Perhaps that was why he was still in it, why he’d yet to drop out of it even though his promise to his mom had been fulfilled.

            Shepard was always so loquacious, especially in the mornings when he first saw him. He laughed and joked and his face did this weird lighting up thing like he was happy to see Kaidan. It was odd and random but not unwanted. Slowly but surely, he found himself relaxing. Relaxing into this new life, this new life of not being part of the background, this new life where he was noticed, this new life with a friend…

            He and Shepard saw a lot of each other, not just in Drama Club and in class but outside of class, too. It had been a week since they performed their skit together in front of the group, for the final time. It went smoothly, as a part of Kaidan knew it would. He’d never acted before in his life, but it was surprisingly easy to slip into this façade, this life that wasn’t his and yet he was going to pretend it was anyway. A part of him reveled in the idea, in the way his nerves spiked and then lowered; it was as thrilling as it was terrifying.

            It had absolutely nothing to do with the fact Shepard was _always there_. He was never absent, at least he hadn’t been so far. It seemed like he knew when Kaidan felt more one with the background than the group, and he always attempted to include him in conversations. A friend. His first real friend in so long…

            So perhaps that was why he nearly choked on his surprise when in walked Kevin. No one had noticed him just yet, as he stood just inside the door, in the shadows since only the stage was lit. Kaidan only saw him because he was observant; he spent his time watching people and things. Almost instantly he was on his feet as Kevin stepped further into the room.

            “What are you doing here?” he all but hissed once he got close enough.

            Kevin blinked, surprised at his tone. “I just wanted to talk,” he said quietly. “See how you were doing.”

            “Well, I’m fine.”

            Kevin breathed in and released it slowly. “Okay. I see that.”

            That rising panic was back, clogging his throat. He shot a quick glance toward the stage but the only ones on it were Garrus, Tali and Ashley. Shepard was nowhere to be seen, and he had the vague memory of seeing him backstage earlier, claiming he was tired. There was a couch back there, so perhaps he was asleep. That rising panic lessened, though he wasn’t entirely sure why.

            Having Shepard and Kevin meet would ruin everything. Shepard would know he’d been lying to him all along, even if it was only because he hadn’t actually said anything. He’d know he wasn’t an only child, would know his background and baggage and everything Kaidan had been trying to hide. Kevin would ruin everything; this tentative friendship, the routine which was now somewhat _wanted_ , the ease with which people accepted him here, in the Drama Club…

            He’d ruin _everything_.

            This rising panic dispersed into this halfway hidden fear. The fear of being pushed aside, returned the background he hadn’t realized he _hated_ , and would lose his first friend in so long. He almost couldn’t remember what friendship felt like; _real_ friendship, and not the kind that happened after _it_ happened. And it was _nice_ , this friendship. Easy and nice and everything he hadn’t expected.

            If Kevin stayed… if people saw him and talked to him and realized how screwed up his life was… everything would change.

            _Everything_.

            Kaidan didn’t quite attempt to throw his brother out, but he might as well have with the way his fingers scratched against skin in an effort to hustle him toward the door. Kevin planted his feet firmly, and he was always stronger than Kaidan, so it was easy to get him to abort his efforts.

            “I thought you were practicing,” Kevin said.

            “There are other people practicing right now,” Kaidan said.

            _Is that all? Are we done?_

            His eagerness to get Kevin to leave both startled him and left him feeling immensely guilty. He didn’t hate his brother; he just couldn’t look at him right now, not when things were even remotely going his way. Kevin would ruin everything, whether he knew it or not.

            “What’s the rush?” Kevin asked. “Aren’t you going to introduce me to everyone?”

            _Why would you possibly want that…?_

            Introduce him? Kevin?

            The moment he hadn’t known he’d been dreading. Kevin would overshadow him, like always. Always living in big brother’s shadow. He hadn’t told anyone about his brother for various reasons – he rarely saw his brother; he liked his new life – but he’d never suspected one of them might be because he’d be shoved to the background again. This was new and startling and he didn’t know what to do with it.

            “Well?” Kevin asked. “C’mon, show me around, introduce me.”

            “Why?” he breathed.

            _Why here? Why now?_

            Kevin sighed. “You’re still my brother. C’mon. I’m not asking for much.”

            True, and yet so very untrue as well. His not asking for much was basically ripping down what little Kaidan managed to salvage.

            Nevertheless he led the way toward the stage, because he knew if he didn’t, Kevin would do it himself or would cause a scene, and neither of those options seemed pleasant.

            Ashley looked up from where she now stood in front of the stage, thumbing through various pages of random scripts. She frowned upon seeing the new face, but her confusion quickly vanished as she put on a smile and held out her hand to Kevin. “Hey,” she said, “I’m Ashley.”

            “Kevin,” his brother replied. “Kaidan’s brother.”

            Kaidan winced even as Ashley tossed him this look, full of confusion and things she wouldn’t say, before she shrugged and accepted it as fact, without question.

            “I see you’ve been keeping my brother busy,” Kevin said.

            Kaidan took in a breath and released it slowly, attempting to count to ten in his head, but all he could do at the moment was cast looks toward the stage, which still only held Garrus and Tali.

            Ashley shrugged. “We’re always somewhat busy around here,” she said. “Kaidan’s been no trouble, especially compared to Shepard.”

            Kaidan’s gaze darted back toward the stage, but still only Garrus and Tali stood there. Neither of them seemed to notice the newcomer, thankfully.

            Maybe this would be okay.

            “You gonna introduce me, Kaidan?”

            Kaidan shrugged. “Not everyone’s here. But there’s Tali and Garrus practicing on stage. I don’t know where everyone else is.”

            _A lie by omission._

            Oh well.

            “They’re out,” Ashley said. “I told them they didn’t have to come in if they weren’t rehearsing here today.”

            “So that’s everyone that’s here?” Kevin asked, looking around at the place.

            He wasn’t aware he was nodding until Ashley tossed him a quick look. “Isn’t Shepard…?”

            “I think he’s asleep,” Kaidan said, and if it came out a little too quickly, neither of them commented on it. Shepard mentioned he was tired, and there was a couch backstage. He sometimes took naps there.

            “I can wake him,” Ashley started.

            Kevin shook his head politely. “That’s okay, I guess I’ll just meet everyone some other time. I should probably be going. Tell everyone I said ‘hi.”

            “Of course,” Ashley said with a smile. “See you around, Kevin. You’re welcome him any time.”

            _Don’t tell him that._

            The thought appeared unbidden, but there was no taking the thought back now.

            “Thank you,” Kevin said.

            “K, I thought you said you were going to check on progress? Honestly, how long does it take to-” came Shepard’s voice, and Kaidan’s spine didn’t immediately go rigid, but it might as well have due to the way Kevin tossed him a quick glance. Shepard stopped at the edge of the stage, a few feet above the rest of them. “Oh, um… hi.” He jumped down and approached them.

            “Um…” Kaidan said stupidly, because that was what intelligence got him.

            “I’m his brother, Kevin,” his brother said for him.

            “Huh.” Shepard paused and then looked at Kaidan again, blue eyes searching but for _what_ he had no idea. “Why didn’t you say-”

            “Don’t be rude,” Ashley chided.

            “I’m never rude, you guys just like picking on me,” Shepard grumbled, crossing his arms in that familiar pose. “A guy could get the feeling he’s not liked around here.”

            Ashley rolled her eyes. “Anyway, Kevin - this is Shepard.”

            And then launched a conversation about cars and mechanics and driving that Kaidan had no part of. He knew nothing about such things. He had a license but no car to drive, and knowing the types of cars and how they operated had never been his forte.

            Kevin and Shepard had met. They were discussing things in which he had no part. They could possibly go on about such things for hours, and Kaidan was left on the sidelines, stranded without a lifeline, a way away from the background he used to know so well. Losing a friend to a conversation about cars…

            _It’s okay. You knew it was going to happen. It was fun while it lasted._

He stepped away from Shepard and Kevin as they continued to talk, their eyes bright and their expressions pleased as they talked about various types of cars. Shepard seemed to fancy the older, classic cars while Kevin liked them but also preferred the newer cars, such as Ferraris and sports cars. Kaidan didn’t necessarily know what they were talking about, because he knew next to nothing about cars. It wasn’t like they were paying him attention, anyway, so he stepped back and sank heavily into a plastic chair which had been pulled up to the stage, a megaphone next to it so Ashley could shout orders at them. Ashley approached him there a moment later.

            “You didn’t say you had a brother,” she said.

            He shrugged. “Guess I didn’t think it was important,” he mumbled, looking over to see Shepard and Kevin still talking. Shepard’s gaze wandered toward him momentarily and then went back to Kevin as his brother started talking again. Kaidan propped his elbows his knees and buried his face in his hands, unable to ignore that rising sense of _why is this happening_. It was happening all over again. Shepard was going to ignore him now, just like everyone else, and Kaidan would be alone. Again. His carefully concealed history would be revealed, and everyone would pick Kevin over him because _that’s how it always happens, it’s okay, you know this day was coming._

            “Well… it looks like our time for today is almost up,” Ashley said with a sigh. “I’m sorry. I guess you and Shepard don’t get to rehearse today.” The apology in her voice barely registered.

            Sighing, he stood and walked back toward his brother and Shepard, his head bowed low as he stared at the ground. His feet plodded across the ground, heavily laden with an ache he barely recognized, only then realized how much he _hated_ this, dammit.

            “You didn’t tell me Shepard was a car fan,” Kevin said with a chuckle.

            Kaidan shrugged, allowing his gaze to wander toward Shepard. He liked quietly watching, after all, but he wasn’t sure he had the right to do so anymore. Shepard was staring at him, this strange expression on his face Kaidan couldn’t quite identify, before Shepard looked away and back toward. “I don’t like to go around mentioning how awesome cars are to random people,” Shepard said with a nod, smiling slightly. “That would make me more than slightly crazy.”

            “You’re already crazy,” Ashley said as she joined them. “Sorry, Shepard, but it looks like today is winding down and you guys won’t get to rehearse your skit.”

            “That’s fine,” Shepard said with a sigh. “The less time on stage, the better.” He grinned and she smacked him upside the head before she wandered off to talk to those who remained on stage.

            “I guess we should be going then,” Kevin said, glancing at Kaidan. “Am I taking you home or him?” He nodded toward Shepard. A part of Kaidan was surprised he knew where he lived, though he honestly shouldn’t have been shocked. While Kevin wasn’t technically living with them, that didn’t mean he wouldn’t know where his own family lived.

            Kaidan bit down on his lower lip, uncertain as to what his answer should be. Saying no would mean denying his brother’s attempt to mend fences. Staying yes would leave him alone in the car with him to talk about things he’d rather leave in the past. Neither option was desirable.

            Thankfully Shepard saved him the trouble.

            “I can take him,” Shepard said. “We were going to milkshakes anyway.”

            “Oh, really? That’s cool. Mind if I tag along?”

            Kaidan knew why Kevin was asking; attempting to insert himself back into a life he left behind, but even so, something twisted in his stomach at the thought. It wasn’t that he didn’t want his brother to come… No, it was exactly that. This was his life now, this was something that was _his_ , at least he still hoped it was. Kevin would ruin that if he hadn’t already. That wasn’t to say he didn’t love his brother, because he did, it was just…

            What was that song?

            _Know I’ll always love you but right now I just don’t like you._

            So no, he didn’t want his brother to go.

            Shepard’s gaze was scanning over his face, before he turned back to Kevin. “Sorry,” he apologized, “but we’re going to get my brother and he’s cranky around new people. It took him a while to warm up to Kaidan. Maybe we can get together some other time?”

            Kevin nodded, looking a little confused, which was how Kaidan felt. Sam wasn’t shy; he didn’t get cranky around new people, so why was Shepard saying this?

            “Sure,” Kevin said. “That sounds great.”

            Did Shepard just… _lie_ to Kevin? Sure, he knew they were going to get Sam, but Sam wasn’t how Shepard was making him out to be. He was more outgoing, like Shepard – something the two had in common. Then again, he reminded himself, it didn’t matter, because Kevin wouldn’t be joining him, even if it was a lie. And for the time being, he was okay with that. So he sent Kevin this look which spoke of apology and a promise for a conversation later, and hurried after Shepard, who was already leaving the room.

            The two exited the school silently. Kaidan had taken a jacket this time and now he tugged it on even as Shepard did the same with his own, rain pelting down from the sky, smacking against their skin. The two approached the now familiar Stratus, and soon they were pulling out of the school parking lot and were heading down the road. Silence incased them for a few moments as they drove quietly, before Shepard started humming as per usual, and Kaidan relaxed somewhat, unaware he’d been so stiff.

            Finally he couldn’t take it anymore; he had to ask. “Why… did you say that to Kevin? About Sam?”

            Shepard frowned at him momentarily, giving him a sideways glance before he sighed and looked back to the road ahead of them, stopping at a light. “You didn’t seem too eager to take him with us, so I gave you a way out.”

            Well that was… oddly touching and considerate. “Why?”

            “I’m sorry if I crossed a line,” Shepard said slowly. “We can turn around and get him if you-”

            “No,” Kaidan said quickly, swallowing afterward. “No, um… I actually… You’re right. I… don’t really want him to come. Sorry.”

            He expected the usual questions when he admitted something like that. Why not; are you mad; what’s going on… but none of them came. Instead Shepard nodded and they drove through the now green light. “So what’s the problem? Are you mad that I lied?”

            “No, I… it’s not that,” he sighed, sinking further into the passenger seat.

            “Then?”

            “Nothing.”

            Shepard didn’t push him on the matter. He nodded, and started humming again, this melody which was growing more familiar and relaxing by the day, because it meant things were okay between them. Kevin hadn’t ruined everything, at least not to his knowledge.

            Shepard didn’t seem particularly perturbed by the fact Kaidan didn’t want Kevin to go with them. He didn’t question it, didn’t argue, didn’t do anything like that. He didn’t ditch Kaidan to go with Kevin even though the two probably had more in common. Instead he chose Kaidan, and lied so Kaidan didn’t have to choose between the two of them.

            And somehow, that meant more than he could describe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song used is "Which to Bury, Us or the Hatchet?" by Relient K. Give it a listen to ;) The part used is "Know I'll always love you but right now I just don't like you."


	6. Chapter Six

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I'm really nervous about this chapter XD Kaidan probably sounds very ramble-y and OOC and sorry :P Deal with it. Maybe I'll fix it one day XD
> 
> Oh and I also changed his brother to an OC named Kevin instead of it being Jacob. It fits better with later plots. Hope that's ok :)

Chapter Six

 

_How did this happen?_

            Kaidan wasn’t exactly sure, couldn’t remember agreeing to this. He also couldn’t remember agreeing to the other part, either.

            Kevin offered to go the movies with him. Kaidan accepted, if only to get his family off his back. Then Shepard asked if he wanted to go to the movies, too, since Sam ditched him to hang with his friends. Startled at the request, he stumbled over his words and said yes, but that he was going with Kevin, too.

            That left the three of them going together. In all honesty he didn’t know how to feel about that. Seeing his brother again was one thing; doing something with him was another. Perhaps that was why he said yes to Shepard’s question – being alone with his brother wasn’t something he was sure he could handle at the moment. But then that brought him to the second part of the problem – Shepard.

            He was still in shock over the fact he still had a friend after they met Kevin; this was just tempting fate. The two would start talking again, and realize they had a lot more in common and he would, as always, be pushed to the side, always someone’s discard, left in the background.

            There was little he could do about it now, though. He’d already said yes and thus they were all going to the movies together. Whatever would happen would happen and there was nothing he could do about it because he brought this upon himself. Had he not been so startled – by both his brother’s request as well as Shepard’s – he could have salvaged the situation, but as it was… he had no choice.

            _It was nice while it lasted._

            This was his track of thinking as he waited. Waited and waited while a part of him wondered if it would be possible to be suffocated by this overwhelming feeling of dread. Probably not.

            It was Saturday and time to go to the movies. Kevin wasn’t here yet, but he knew he’d be here soon enough. Shepard would pick the two of them up. Kevin called ahead and asked if Rahna wanted to go as well, but thankfully she declined. He loved his sister, but he couldn’t deal with her right now. Not on top of everything else, and the shock that he wasn’t the background but _will be going back to that after this._

            Nice while it lasted, though.

            He was startled out of his rising sense of _something_ when the door opened and Kevin stepped inside the house. He didn’t even bother knocking. Kaidan wasn’t sure why this was a problem until he remembered it had been a while since Kevin lived with them. Family or not, after ditching your family you should have to knock.

            “Hey,” Kevin said quietly.

            Kaidan’s nod was more of an acknowledgement than greeting. “Shepard will be here any time.”

            A part of him, however miniscule, had been hoping Shepard arrived before Kevin, and he could say his brother wasn’t coming. That was perhaps cruel, both for lying to Shepard and ditching his brother, but a part of him wanted… wondered… _if_ …

            He heard the sound of Shepard’s car pulling up outside. The engine had a very distinctive growl as it slowed to a stop and turned off. He took in a breath and shouldered his way through the door and onto the porch. Shepard stood just off the porch, on the steps, approaching him where he stopped, the two nearly colliding.

            “Hey,” Shepard said with that usual grin of greeting.

            Kaidan found he couldn’t return it.

            Kevin followed him out of the house, closing the door behind him. “Hey,” his brother said cheerily. “Thanks for driving.” He pushed past Shepard toward the car.

            Shepard shrugged even as Kaidan moved past him as well. Kevin reached the car first and thus pulled open the passenger door, leaving Kaidan climbing in the back. He sighed, this dejected, pitiful sound which he couldn’t quite stifle in time. He wasn’t aware his gaze was downcast as it was until he felt eyes boring into him and glanced up, catching Shepard’s gaze in the rearview mirror. After a moment the gaze averted toward Kevin.

            “Rules of the car,” Shepard stated with this firm tone of voice, “are as follows: Rule 1, don’t mess up anything in my car. Rule 2, I am God in this vehicle. Rule 3, if you have a problem with the previous rules, be warned I’m not stopping to let you out but you know where the door is.” Then he smiled. “Okay?”

            Kevin chuckled. “Right, you’re the man of the car. Got it.”

            “Cheer up back there, grumpy,” Shepard said, and Kaidan blinked, catching his gaze again in the rearview mirror. He hadn’t realized he was being so obvious.

            “Kaidey’s in a bad mood,” Kevin sighed.

            “Kaidey?” Shepard’s lips twisted into this smirk. It looked awkward from Kaidan’s position looking through the rearview mirror. “I’m so calling you that from now on. Why are you in a bad mood, K?”

            A part of Kaidan wondered what would happen if he _did_ answer. If he answered truthfully, and said he didn’t want to be here with his brother despite how terrible that sounded, and he especially didn’t want the two of them to be in the same place together. That would raise entirely too many questions, though, and so he just shrugged and kept silent. There was little he could do about it anyway. It was his fault this was happening now; the sooner he accepted that, the sooner he could move on.

            “Hmm,” Shepard said thoughtfully. “Well. Let’s see if we can change that by the time the movie’s over.”

            Kaidan almost frowned at the look of pure determination on Shepard’s face, brightening his eyes as though he just accepted a challenge.

            He wasn’t sure why Shepard was worried if he was ‘grumpy’ or in a ‘bad mood’. It honestly didn’t matter. Right?

            So far, Shepard hadn’t ignored him. It was only a matter of time, though. Only a matter of time…

            The rest of the drive was… difficult. And yet easy, because all he had to do was sit in the back and wait. Wait for them to arrive and get out and get the tickets and see the movie. Waiting was easy. And yet it wasn’t, because it was so difficult to anticipate the net few minutes. The next hour would be hell, he was sure. Hell because he’d be pushed aside like always, while Shepard and Kevin made jokes through the movie, and talked quietly in this hushed conversation of which Kaidan had no part.

            This shouldn’t bother him. It always happened. He _knew_ it was going to happen. So why did it feel so much _different_ this time? More… _unwanted_?

            All too soon – or not soon enough, depending – they arrived at the movie theater. The walk from the car to the movie theater was loud and quiet all at once. Kaidan kept silent, hands tucked nervously into his pockets, head bowed as he followed the shadows of Kevin and Shepard, the streetlights guiding the way. Kaidan couldn’t hear their conversation but it wouldn’t matter if he could. This wasn’t about him anymore; never was, really. Never was, would never be, and _why are you doing this to me dammit why did I leave the background why_ -

            They got their tickets, popcorn and drinks and made their way toward their desired movie. Shepard sat between the two of them since he had the popcorn so they could all share. Kaidan had no intention of eating, though. His stomach was upset enough as it was, though he had no idea _why_.

            _What’s wrong with me…_

            He felt fine before he agreed to go to the movies with the two of them. Perfectly _fine_.

            The previews started and he sighed heavily, sinking back into his chair, half hoping it could devour him, but he doubted that would happen.

            Shepard nudged his shoulder and he glanced over to find him offering popcorn to him, but he slowly shook his head. He wasn’t particularly fond of popcorn and even so, again, his stomach was upset. Perhaps he was getting sick. It was that time of year. Shepard gave him this _look_ and then returned his attention to the front, quietly eating the popcorn.

            The movies started, the previews over.

            Occasionally he heard Shepard and Kevin talking quietly and then he’d hear one of them chuckle. They were, of course, having a good time – without him. The third wheel, forever and always.

            “Sounds like fun,” Shepard was saying as he turned into the conversation, attempting to ground himself because he wasn’t sure _why_ he felt so _out of control_.

            The words didn’t bother him. They were harmless. It was the _tone_ , that goddamn tone, the tone of _Welcome to the family…_

            He could almost picture the accompanying smile. _That_ smile. The one he hadn’t known he’d grown so used to.

            He wasn’t aware he was breathing so sharply until Shepard tossed him a look, popcorn being moved so his hand could reach out for him. Kaidan easily slipped away from that probing hand and all but ran from his seat, out of the room and down the hallway. He wasn’t sure why he was running; there was no reason to do so. No reason to feel upset. No reason at _all_.

            He had no say over the tone Shepard used, the smile he offered, or anything like that. He had no reason to be upset. No goddamn _reason_.

            _Why did I run…?_

            He could have stayed. Shepard would have grabbed his arm, asked if he was okay, and he could lie and say he was just thirsty, or that maybe he _would_ take some popcorn after all. That would be the end of it. He wouldn’t have to explain himself because Shepard never pushed him. It would have been _fine_.

            Except he ran, and now, even if he said he was okay, Shepard would still know something was amiss. Even if he didn’t push him on it, there would still be that _look_.

            He wasn’t aware he was in the men’s room until he found himself pacing the length of the long counter filled with sinks, the edges wet with unused soap and splashed water. He paced the length, back and forth and back and forth, for he wasn’t sure how long. He knew he’d have to leave eventually; Shepard was his ride here. Both him and Kevin would expect an answer for his sudden departure, and he’d have to tell them… what? Tell them _what_? That he was upset for absolutely no reason?

            _He_ wasn’t even sure why he was upset; how the hell was he supposed to _explain_ it?

            _It’s okay; they probably won’t come looking for you._

            The thought should have relaxed him. He wouldn’t have to explain himself until later, unless he walked home. Then he’d have to worry about Monday, but that was then and this was now. So right now he should have been _relieved_ , he should have _relaxed_.

            Instead, his spine stiffened and his breath caught somewhere in his throat, behind a lump he hadn’t known was there. They wouldn’t come looking for him. Kevin would just assume he needed space – and, yes, that was true, but… - and Shepard… Well, they probably weren’t friends anymore. Even if he _did_ stick around for the movie, it would be the last time he was invited to do something with a friend. But that was okay, because _you knew this was going to happen, dammit, why are you so goddamn upset about_ -

            He wasn’t aware he was moving until he leaned his back against the wall, easily sliding down it. With a heavy sigh he pulled his knees to his chest, wrapping his arms around them, and rested his chin on his knees.

            The door to the bathroom opened. He didn’t bother glancing up, expecting some guy to enter, momentarily disgusted that he was just sitting in there on the bathroom floor, before he moved to do his business. Footsteps approached him instead of the stalls, though, and he glanced up to find Shepard walking toward him, chewing slightly on his lower lip.

            “There you are,” he said quietly. “I’ve been looking everywhere for you.”

            “You… have?” Kaidan asked, confused. It made no sense for Shepard to look for him. They weren’t friends anymore – right?

            _Maybe you’re just thinking too far into this. It’s just a movie; maybe you’re still friends. Or maybe he was just concerned because he has to drive you home. Either way…_

            “Well, yeah,” Shepard said, frowning at him. “You just up and left. What was that about?”

            Kaidan didn’t want to say he _pouted_ but he came pretty damn closed, averting his gaze toward the ground. Shepard’s shoes were scuffed and dirty. Perhaps he should tell him to clean them, or at least get new shoestrings since the ones he had were nothing but quick, uneven threads.

            Shepard sighed. “What are you doing sulking in the bathroom?”

            “I’m not sulking,” Kaidan said before he could stop himself. If it came out petulant, a whine he couldn’t stop, he didn’t doubt it.

            “Right,” Shepard sighed, “and I’m Christopher Columbus.”

            Shepard shifted, then. His shoes left Kaidan’s view to move next to him instead. Vaguely, he was aware of Shepard sliding down the wall much like he himself had. For a moment, the two sat there in this awkward, stretched out silence. Kaidan’s mind was a whirlwind of activity, of conflicting thoughts like _what is he doing, why is he doing this, what am I supposed to say, please go away, dammit, go_ -

            “So,” Shepard said quietly, cutting off his inner thoughts, however scrambled they were. “Are you gonna come back to the movie or what?”

            Kaidan’s voice caught somewhere in his throat, around that damn lump he couldn’t seem to get rid of. Why was Shepard doing this? Why was he asking if he was going back to the movie, why was he waiting, _why is he doing this to me_ …

            If he was going to ditch him, get it over with.

            _Please just get it over with. I don’t care. I don’t care. I don’t-_

            “Or we can hang out here, I guess, though I really don’t like the idea of sitting around in a bathroom like some crazy perverts,” Shepard said with a sigh.

            _He’s… offering to stay? What?_

            Why…

            _Why are you doing this_ …

            No one ever had before. No one ever did after meeting Kevin. Especially after _it_ happened. He was just too broken, too messed up, too _wrong_ after _it_ happened, and _why can’t he see I_ -

            “You wanna tell me what’s wrong with you? You’ve been acting weird.”

            Kaidan shook his head, the reaction automatic. No, he didn’t want to talk about it.

            “You’re gonna have to talk one way or another, Kaidan.”

            “Why are you here?” Kaidan snapped, though he didn’t mean to. He just wanted this conversation to be over, didn’t want to talk about it, and _why are you still here goddamn it why_ -

            “I’m sorry,” Shepard said slowly, hesitantly, this odd lilt to his voice Kaidan didn’t particularly like, and he almost looked at him. _Almost_.

            “Sorry?” he breathed, attempting to reel in whatever _that_ was that make him snap in the first place. Snapping at Shepard wasn’t going to help matters.

            “I can… I can go, if… that’s what you want.”

            _Why do you sound so uncertain._

            He didn’t answer, mostly because he didn’t know what to say. He didn’t particularly _want_ him to go… not really. But he didn’t want him to stay, either, because that was just prolonging the inevitable. And he couldn’t. Just, no.

            Shepard was quiet for a long moment. The silence that wrapped around them was thick and heavy and everything it shouldn’t have been, everything it hadn’t been before, and he didn’t know how to fix it. This was his fault, after all. He caused this. He shouldn’t have fled the movie. He brought this on himself.

            Then Shepard pushed to his feet. The hand which landed on his shoulder shouldn’t have left him stiffening, but it did, and immediately the hand pulled away. Again silence wrapped around them, neither doing or saying anything, and then Shepard sighed.

            The sigh got to him. He didn’t know why. It just… seemed different.

            “Okay,” Shepard said quietly, stepping away from him, footsteps nearing the door. “Okay, I’ll just… Sorry. I’ll just…”

            The door opened.

            He closed his eyes.

            _That’s it, just let him leave. Let him leave and it will be over. It’s okay, you’re used to it, just let him_ -

            “Wait.”

            He wasn’t aware he’d spoken, aware his voice could even be heard with how quiet it was, until Shepard stopped. The door closed, and footsteps turned, approaching him but stopping a good distance away.

            “Kaidan?”

            “You don’t… have to go. If you don’t want to.”

            Those words managed to push past the lump, but that was it. He sighed and opened his eyes, finding Shepard in front of him now, looking again at those shoes.

            “Do you want me to stay?” Shepard asked.

            _Why do you have to make this so goddamn hard._

            “Kaidan. Do you want me to-”

            “Fine,” he breathed. “Stay.”

            The chuckle Shepard gave shouldn’t have sounded so amused. The brunette sat in front of him, then, and now he looked at his knees, the dark blue jeans, the bottom edge of his light red and black jacket.

            “You gonna look at me any time soon?”

            He sighed.

            “I can do this all day, Kaidan. C’mon. Look at me.”

            Kaidan raised his gaze, but only because a part of him knew Shepard was serious. Now that he told him to stay – _why did you say that goddamn it_ – he wasn’t going to leave until they talked.

            Blue eyes caught his brown ones in the time it took to blink.

            A slow smile lifted Shepard’s lips. “There, see? Not that hard. Wanna tell me what’s wrong?”

            “It’s stupid,” Kaidan said, scowling. “It’s nothing.”

            “It’s obviously _something_ if you’re sulking in here.”

            “I told you, I’m not sulking.”

            “Could have fooled me.”

            “Why do you care?”

            Shepard blinked, lips lowering in a frown. “Why wouldn’t I? You’re my friend, right? Forgive me, but I happen to be the kind of person who worries when their best friend disappears in the middle of a movie to go sulk in the goddamn bathroom.”

            “I’m not _sulking_ , dammit, I-” Shepard’s words caught up to him. He didn’t quiet recognize the expression contorting his face but it made Shepard’s own features soften. “Best friend?”

            “Well, yeah. Why not?”

            “You’ve known me less than a month.”

            “Your point?”

            _Why do you have to make everything difficult._

            “Why aren’t you out there?”

            Shepard’s frown deepened. “Out there?”

            “With…”

            “Kevin?” At Kaidan’s nod, he sighed and looked away. “You think I’d ignore you and side with Kevin? That I wouldn’t care if you sulked in a bathroom? That’s so-” The laugh that escaped him was anything but happy. It put the distinctive taste of hot coffee in his mouth, bitter until the end. “God, that’s what you really think, isn’t it? Am I that bad of a person to make you think-”

            _Wait, what?_

            “No,” Kaidan said quickly, watching as Shepard’s gaze danced back toward his face. “It’s not… It’s not you.”

            _God that’s lame. So smart, aren’t you?_

_God fucking dammit, Mind. Shut up._

            “Then…?” Shepard prompted, watching him.

            _He’s gonna make me answer. He’s gonna make me talk about it. Goddamn it._

            “I just…” He took a breath, averting his gaze back toward the tiled bathroom floor. “It’s happened before. Kevin’s… He usually…”

            “Gets the attention?” Shepard guessed, and Kaidan nearly winced at how close that was.

            “Kind of. I guess.”

            “And you feel left out. Like you don’t belong.”

            _How the hell could he possibly_ -

            “I see,” Shepard said.

            Kaidan dragged his gaze from the ground toward Shepard’s face, those blue eyes averted toward the far wall.

            “Thank you for telling me,” Shepard said quietly, before he looked at him and tossed him this tired grin. “Can we get up now? I think I sat in gum and I don’t even want to know what else.”

            _He’s not going to push? Or…? What?_

            Shepard stood, holding a hand out to him. Without thinking Kaidan grabbed it, allowing himself to be pulled to his feet.

            “You don’t have to worry about me ditching you,” Shepard said as they moved toward the door.

            “Not worried.”

            _Really? Who are you kidding?_

            Shepard’s laugh was quiet but made relief ebb through him as they exited the bathroom. “Are we good?”

            Were they?

            _He didn’t ditch you. He didn’t question you on too much. He accepted it. It’s okay. Not part of the background again, not yet._

            “Yeah,” Kaidan said, and his lips ached to lift upward. For once he gave into it and smiled, feeling better than he had in a while, though he wasn’t sure why. “Yeah, we are.”


	7. Chapter Seven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which ice cream and sloppy hugs make the world go round.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So. As I was writing this chapter I realized I could very, very easily make this go down a very tragic road. In the original story, it wasn't tragic at all, focused more on a plot than the characters, but right now the characters seem to be the main focus of this story, so then that plot won't really be needed. If that's the case, then yes, this could be bittersweet and tragic or something. Gah. As much as I love angst... gahhhh. Anyway. I guess we'll see what happens. I just thought of a way to still have a sequel and the one-shots so maybe I will do that :) If so then that means the upcoming chapters will take a while to get out since I will essentially be writing them from scratch (honestly this whole chapter was written from scratch as well, heh). Anyway. So yeah. Comments about what you think about what I said, yeah? :)

Chapter Seven

 

Kaidan thought there would be a lot of tension after the fiasco at the movies, but Kevin didn’t mention it, and neither did Shepard. Shepard even covered for him – told Kevin he’d been getting sick in the bathroom after having been complaining of an upset stomach a few days prior. Kevin believed it and tossed Kaidan a worried glance which reminded him of better times. Instead of comforting him, it just left him feeling sick to his stomach all over again.

            Shepard drove them both home, Kevin left, and that was the end of it.

            After that happened at the movies, the last thing he expected on Monday morning was sunshine and roses, but it was exactly what he got.

            “Hey, Kaidey!” Shepard all but shouted from the back of the classroom, waving him over. Kaidan mentally thanked the heavens they were the only two in the room, otherwise he’d have a lot of unwanted eyes glued to him.

            He moved toward the back and sat in his usual seat. “There was no need to shout,” he said, which almost surprised him. He usually kept quiet unless he needed to answer. Somehow this was easy, though. It slid easily through his lips and he found he didn’t mind. “And don’t call me that.” This he added almost as an afterthought.

            Shepard smirked. “But _Kaidey_ , it’s just so…”

            “So what?”

            Shepard chuckled, shaking his head, leaning back in his chair as always. “How are you today?”

            “Fine,” Kaidan said, eying the chair. “You’re gonna fall.”

            “Nah, I have excellent balance.”

            Kaidan scowled. “Fine, but if you fall-”

            “Worried about me, K?”

            “No. Of course not.”

            Shepard’s laugh was light and easy as he allowed his chair to land on the ground again. “Going to Drama Club today?”

            Kaidan frowned momentarily. “There’s a meeting today?”

            “Yeah,” Shepard said. “Did you not get the memo?”

            “Memo?”

            _Yep. You sound so intelligent._

            “Oh, that’s right – you didn’t give Ashley your cell number.”

            Kaidan sighed. “I don’t have a cellphone.”

            Shepard stared at him, mouth hanging open somewhat before he shook his head. “You’re kidding.”

            “No. I don’t have one.”

            “Fine, fine. I’ll let you know from now on. But jeez. Everyone has one.”

            Kaidan sighed and rolled his eyes. “Well, I don’t.”

            Phones were never all that important after _it_ happened. Not having one meant he could close further off from the world without any obligations. Not that he had anyone that would call him or text him anyway, but still.

            The teacher entered soon enough, and thus began the school day.

 

Lunch was entertaining a few days later, as always. He wasn’t sure when he started to fully appreciate it, but after the movies it seemed was noticing a lot more than he had before. Like the fact Shepard always saved him a seat, and it was always next to him. He observed Shepard personally dragging that chair to their table when there wasn’t one available, just so he’d have somewhere to sit.

            That was nice of him. Unwarranted, but not unwanted. Nice.

            As always, he took his seat next to Shepard and began eating his packed lunch. As usual, Shepard waited until he was finished before demanding that he join him to get an ice cream cone. Kaidan sighed reluctantly, but by this point it was just routine. He didn’t actually mind.

            On their way to get ice cream on this particular day, he ran into another familiar face. So familiar, in fact, that it took him a moment to really recognize it.

            _Yeah. Because that makes sense._

            His sister was beautiful; of course she was. With long, dark brown hair, large brown eyes and a heart-shaped face, of course she was pretty. She was also two years younger than him, but skipped a grade so she was now only one grade behind him. He hadn’t seen much of her since _it_ happened, since the tears and the pain and the blood and the-

            “Rahna,” he breathed before he knew what he was doing. He snapped his mouth shut immediately afterward, even as Shepard glanced at where he was looking. Rahna stopped, to her credit, and looked at him. It was the first time she actually looked at him since _it_ happened, and she still wasn’t quite looking him in the eye.

            “Kaidan.”

            Shepard shifted at his side, ice cream cone in hand. “Hello,” he said, offering out his free hand to his sister, “I’m Shepard.”

            “Hello,” Rahna said, though she didn’t shake Shepard’s hand. Instead she inclined her head politely and then turned away from them. It was the equivalent of a door shutting in his face, and Kaidan took in a slow breath, attempting to reel in his conflicting emotions.

            _She just turned away._

            _Like I was nothing._

            _Like we’re not even family._

            He rarely saw her at home; either she was holed up in her room or he himself was. The household was quiet, morbidly so. His mother tried so hard to liven it up, get everyone talking again, but her efforts were in vain. And now his own sister couldn’t be bother to talk to him when she was at school, a school she hadn’t even told him she was joining. His parents hadn’t told him, either. How long had she been here? As long as he had?

            “Kaidan?”

            “What?” It was easier to talk than he thought it’d be, but that didn’t mean he wanted to do it.

            “Are you okay?”

            He slid his gaze toward Shepard, who stood watching him, ice cream slowly melting. “I’m fine.”

            “Are you sure?”

            _Not really._

            “I’m _fine_.”

            Shepard took in a breath. “Would you like an ice cream cone?”

            “What?”

            Shepard’s hand was warm on his shoulder as he brushed past him to buy another ice cream cone.

 

“Hey.”

            Kaidan stiffened at the sudden voice as much as he relaxed when he recognized who it was. Shepard sat next to him, backstage in the Drama Club room, behind the old, half-broken couch, behind the boxes of old printed scripts, behind the extra sand bags which were used to open and close the curtains. Behind everything, lost in the shadows, and somehow Shepard still found him.

            “Do you want a kiss?”

            Kaidan spluttered, finally looking over at Shepard. The dim lighting cast odd gray shadows across his face, but he could see those eyes clear as day. “W-What?”

            Shepard grinned. “Candy, Kaidan.” He held out a hand full of Hershey kisses. Kaidan stared at the offering for a long moment before he released a breathy laugh, accepting a few of the kisses even though he wasn’t much of a candy person.

            “Thanks,” he said quietly, unwrapping his first piece of candy.

            “So who was that at lunch?”

            The question wasn’t unexpected. He knew Shepard would eventually ask, ask why it seemed to bother him so much. He knew it was coming. A part of him was just hoping it wouldn’t come when it was still so raw.

            “No one,” he said. He was surprised his voice didn’t waver, but thankful for it nevertheless.

He wasn’t sure what he’d been expecting from Rahna, anyway. If they didn’t talk at home, why would here be any different? Except she didn’t tell him she was joining the school. He hadn’t seen her here yet, so he’d assumed she chose to go elsewhere (a bitter part of his mind wondered if it was because he was going here and she didn’t want to be near him) but now that he knew she was here… How long had she been here? Why _won’t she even look at me, I’m not a monster, dammit, why won’t she_ -

“Kaidan?”

A knee that was not his own lightly knocked into his. He sighed and shrugged, lowering his gaze from the candy in his hand to the ground, his sudden sweet tooth gone just as suddenly as it appeared.

“No one,” he said. “She… She’s no one.”

_Just someone I used to know._

Used to know so damn _well_ , because whenever Kevin had a friend stay the night, he had to share a room with her. Since Kevin was popular, this happened a lot. Honestly Kaidan didn’t care; just because it was a girl’s room didn’t mean it was bad. Rahna was never the typical girl, anyway, and her walls were green instead of pink, instead of the red of Kaidan’s own shared room, and she had darker curtains. He actually slept in better there. So what if she sometimes kicked him out of bed; she was a restless sleeper and he hogged the covers. It was fine, back then.

Then when they were older he slept on the floor. Not as comfortable, but he still managed to sleep okay. She’d step over him in the morning, pull the covers up to his shoulders if they’d managed to fall down as they did every night, and then she’d continue out of their room on her way to the kitchen. Sometimes she’d even bring him some toast, an apple or a donut and give him a warm _smile_ and hug him and say she loved him. Because they were family; that was what family did.

_Not anymore._

She didn’t look at him like that anymore. Like he was her bigger than life big brother who would scratch her back until she fell asleep, assure her there were no monsters hiding under the bed, watch those stupid kid movies with her because she wanted – needed – to share them with someone.

But those days were gone.

He hadn’t realized he’d missed them so damn _much_ until now.

“Are you… Kaidan, are you _crying_?”

Snapped out of his thoughts, out of the memories of _a time so much better why did it end oh god_ and swiped a hand across his eyes, turning his head away, further into the shadows even as Shepard leaned toward him a little.

“Hey, Kaidan?”

“I’m fine.”

_I’m fine. I’m not crying. I’m fine._

“Kaidan,” Shepard said quietly, hand lightly resting on his knee. After a moment, fingers curled into the fabric, lightly shaking the knee, attempting to catch his attention but there was nothing to catch because it was always there. It was so much easier to focus on this than it was his family. Or lack thereof. He didn’t know anymore. “Who is she?”

“No one.”

“You don’t have to lie.”

And why did his voice have to be so damn _placating_? Like he was a child needing to be consoled, and he wanted to snap at him to _stop_ as much as he wanted to tell him to _keep going_.

“Who is she?”

“I…”

“Kaidan. C’mon. It’s me – you don’t have to lie. You don’t have to hide.”

The breath he took was more of a gasp, a choked _something_ , and he found himself clenching his eyes tightly closed as he summoned the words which were previously lodged somewhere in his throat. “My sister,” he murmured so quietly no one could have possibly heard him, no voice behind the words, only air.

“What was that?”

He took a shaky breath. “My sister.”

“Your…?”

It was quiet for a long moment. The hand left his knee. He tried not to let it bother him, or at least not to let it show.

“Did you know she was coming here?”

The question was sudden but easy to answer. He shook his head. No, he had no idea was coming here with him. Just like he didn’t know Kevin was, either.

“And your brother…?”

He shook his head again, eyes tightly closed, body rigid against the wall, afraid to move because everything might shatter and afraid to stay still for the same reason.

“Do you talk at home?”

“No,” he breathed, and if there was a bite to the word, he didn’t doubt it.

Shepard was quiet again. How much time passed, he had no idea.

“Before the movies,” he finally started quietly, “when was the last time you talked to your brother?”

“Define talk.”

“A meaningful conversation where you both felt connected.”

“I don’t… I don’t know.”

How long had it been? Kevin tried to talk to him at lunch once, and then he appeared in Drama Club, but both times Kaidan attempted to flee because _no_. Maybe that was his fault, then. Maybe Kevin was trying to be there for him now even though he hadn’t been there in the past, and Kaidan just kept pushing him away. Maybe _he_ was the one at fault. Maybe _he_ was the guilty party, the bad egg. Maybe _he_ was the reason both of his siblings had nothing to do with him.

“Hey – Hey, calm down.”

He wasn’t aware he was practically hyperventilating until then, until that hand landed warmly on his shoulder, until fingers curled sharply into fabric, pushing through to skin, knocking against bone as that shoulder was shaken, however lightly.

“It’s okay,” Shepard told him.

And no, Kaidan did _not_ choke, did _not_ released a breathy sob, because those words meant _nothing_ to him, dammit, they meant _nothing_ and-

He was pulled to the side, then, into this awkward half-hug which was anything but comfortable. It was only half warm, Shepard’s ribs digging painfully into Kaidan’s elbow (or was that the other way around? Oh well), their knees vying for dominancy over their suddenly shared space, knocking together somewhat painfully at the abrupt movement. His head was forced down, tucked awkwardly against Shepard’s shoulder, half under his chin and into the curve of his neck, one eye lodged against one of his shoulder bones, his nose dipping down toward the collar bone.

It was messy and a little painful but he didn’t move away. Couldn’t move away even if he wanted to, because-

“It’s okay.”

Kaidan’s laugh was quick, breathy and sharp nails against a chalkboard. “How do you know?”

“Because I’ve got you,” Shepard said simply. “And you can cry if you want to.”

_I don’t want to cry. I want you to let go. I want…_

“Or I can let go if you want to sulk in silence,” Shepard said quietly, and no, Kaidan’s fingers did _not_ clutch into the fabric of Shepard’s shirt at the thought.

“Not sulking,” he murmured against that collar bone, but it wasn’t as uncomfortable as before.

“Yeah,” Shepard breathed, thumb lightly rubbing against the back of his opposite shoulder, where his arm rested against the side of Kaidan’s neck, keeping him there, “I know.”

 

The ride home was awkward and quiet but Kaidan wouldn’t ask it to change. He didn’t look at Shepard, kept his gaze focused solely outside the passenger window, but Shepard’s humming calmed him like nothing had as of late. He’d be confused by this if he wasn’t so grateful.

“Thank you,” he murmured, causing the humming to cut off. “I… If I didn’t say it before. Thank you.”

“Kaidan, you don’t have to thank me,” Shepard said, almost exasperatedly.

“Then…?”

“I don’t know why no one ever comforted you, but that’s what friends do. That’s what _family_ should do, but…” He took a breath, causing Kaidan to glance away from his window, toward the driver’s seat. Shepard’s grip on the steering wheel left white knuckles and strained fingers. “You don’t have to thank me.”

“My family comforted me.”

The look Shepard shot him made him feel as much of a liar as he knew he was. “Then they did a pretty crappy job.” Shepard held a hand up, probably at Kaidan’s opening mouth. “No, stop. I didn’t mean that. It’s not my place to judge. I just… No. You don’t have to say anything. I’m not going to ask.”

Shepard’s gaze flickered back toward the road as Kaidan watched him, swallowing down that goddamn _lump_ in his throat.

“They used to comfort me,” he said quietly, unaware he was speaking until Shepard’s grip on the steering wheel tightened again. “They used to…” _love me._

“Kaidan,” Shepard breathed, “it’s okay. You don’t have to say anything.”

_But I want to._

The thought surprised him, took the breath from his attempted words, and left him swallowing thickly. _I want to._ He wanted to tell Shepard. Tell him what, he didn’t know, but _something_.

Saying something would only raise more questions. Leave him wanting to say _more_ and he just couldn’t do that right now. Not yet. Not here, when they were so close to his house.

So he snapped his mouth shut and looked back out the passenger window.

A minute later, Shepard started humming again.


	8. Chapter Eight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is kind of ramble-y and short. Hope that's okay ;) And I love comments :D They make me update faster.
> 
> NOTE: The title of this story is going to change, but I don't know what it's going to be yet. So just a heads up!

Chapter Eight

 

Shepard didn’t mention his family over the next few days. Kaidan was grateful for this though Shepard would never know how much. Nothing changed between them now that he even had an inkling of anything in his past, though. Shepard still saved him a seat at lunch, looked for him in their shared classes, and talked to him just as much as before.

Nothing had changed, except it almost felt like everything had.

He wasn’t sure _what_ had changed, or why he felt like this, but it was how he felt nevertheless. Everything felt a little easier for some reason. It was easier to breathe, easier to smile, and easier to talk. Easier than it’d been in years.

A new routine of easiness and everything Kaidan forgot he once had.

Perhaps that was why it left him more than a little off-balance when he entered his first period a week later and found no one waiting for him. Shepard wasn’t in his usual place, but that was okay. Kaidan got here early. Shepard had been arriving earlier than him lately – and he was beginning to think it was so they could talk uninterrupted before school actually started – but that didn’t mean he had to worry. Kaidan arrived first today; that was okay.

He sat in his usual seat, glancing down at those terrible etchings across the surface of the desk, and pulled out his English book. He opened one of his folders, checked over his homework from the night before, and startled when the bell rang, signaling class would start in one minute, a last minute reminder to hurry to class.

He glanced at the empty seat next to him, a frown slithering across his face. Shepard was never absent. In the almost two months since Kaidan arrived, he never missed a day.

A minute later, class started and the seat was still empty.

 

Shepard was gone the next day, too, and the day after that. Each time Kaidan entered the room, expecting to see him, he found he was getting more and more dismayed as the days went on, though he wasn’t sure why. He missed that easy conversation, he realized. And this just wasn’t… normal. Shepard was never absent.

The teacher didn’t seem too perturbed by this, easily skipping over him when she took attendance. This happened in every class they shared.

At lunch everyone carried on even though they were missing someone at their table. Occasionally Garrus would toss him a glance, open his mouth to say something, and then think better of it, shaking his head instead.

On the third day he had enough of this.

“Say it,” he said.

Garrus blinked at him. “Excuse me?”

“Say it,” he repeated. “What’s going on?”

“What do you mean?”

He took in a breath, trying a different tactic. “Alright, where’s Shepard? It doesn’t seem like him to miss school like this.”

Then again, how would he knew? He barely knew the guy. They only met not even two months ago. And yet, somehow, it felt like he knew him, felt like Shepard knew _him_ as well, which was bizarre and absurd and-

Garrus sighed and shook his head. “He’ll be back in a day or two. Next week at the latest.”

Kaidan released a breath he hadn’t known he’d been holding. “Why’s he not here?”

Garrus shrugged, averting his gaze toward his peas, which he got whenever the school served them much to Shepard’s chagrin. “He’ll be back soon,” he said instead of answering, shoveling a spoonful into his mouth.

_Why are you avoiding the question?_

It wasn’t that hard to answer, was it?

Then again, he had no right to… what? Ask? Worry? Was he worried?

Yes, he realized, though he’d deny it if anyone asked. It was only natural to worry about a friend. Completely and utterly natural, especially when they didn’t seem like they were ever absent and suddenly they could miss an entire week, and no one would answer his questions.

 

He took the bus home as he had been doing the past view days. He hadn’t realized how often Shepard had been taking him home until then. He shouldered his backpack as he exited the bus and walked up the three porch steps and into the house which wasn’t quite home, but was close enough.

It was quiet, as always, when he entered the house. He could distantly hear someone in the kitchen, but the living room was dark, the TV turned off and forgotten, a jacket strewn over the back of the couch. It was the only way he knew Rahna was home; the jacket was hurts, with little red and white spots trekking down the back of the otherwise black background.

Sighing, he moved toward the stairs. The fourth one creaked which always left him wincing. It was loud in the otherwise mostly silent house. He made it up the stairs and shouldered his way into his room. He toed off his shoes, dropping his backpack on the ground next to the door, closed said door and turned the light on before turning to face the interior of the room.

He nearly jumped when he saw someone sitting on his bed.

“Hey, Kaidan,” Kevin said quietly, sitting on his bed, hunched forward somewhat, bangs lowered over his eyes. The light against his back cast odd shadows across his mostly shielded face.

Kaidan swallowed, attempting to find his voice. “What are… What are you doing here?”

“I… I’m gonna stay here for a while,” Kevin told him, fingers locked under his chin, head still bowed, elbows resting on his knees.

_Stay here? Why?_

“Okay,” he breathed. “What are you doing _here_?”

_Why are you in my room, sitting in the dark?_

“Mom said I could share this room with you.”

Kaidan’s spine stiffened until it physically _hurt_ , muscles tensing, blood rushing to his legs to allow him to flee like he wanted, but he managed to keep his feet firmly planted on the ground. “Why?”

_Why my room?_

“I can’t share with Rahna,” Kevin said as though it were obvious. “She’s fifteen; she needs her own space.”

_And I don’t? I don’t need my own space, my own room?_

He’d had his own room for nearly a year now, ever since Kevin’s abrupt departure. He moved here assuming he would still have his own room. Thus far he had been correct, and suddenly it was different.

His gaze slid off to the side, toward the duffel bags piled against his desk, nearly covering it. He hadn’t noticed them before but they stood out like a blinding light now.

“Everything okay?”

He slid his gaze back toward his brother, whose head was lifted now, brown eyes watching him, so similar to his own, to eyes he used to know so well, but now they were just foreign. “No,” he managed to say. “It’s not okay.”

“Kaidan?”

He took a breath. “I don’t want you here,” he said. “This… This is my room. I need my space, too.”

_You moved out. That’s your choice. This is my room._

Kevin watched him for a long moment. He felt like he was five-years-old again, getting scolded simply by his parents’ look of disapproval. Except he wasn’t five anymore, and Kevin had no right to look at him like that.

“You can stay at this house,” he said, attempting to keep his voice steady, “but not in my room.”

 

Despite his words, he lost his room to his brother. His mother chided him, told him to share and be happy his brother was back. His father snapped that he needed to stop being such a baby and share his room like a man, because this wasn’t easy on any of them.

So he slept on the couch downstairs because he didn’t want to be anywhere near that room right now. A part of him agonized over the decision to sleep in the living room when he could have stayed in his comfortable bed, but that would have meant staying in there with his brother, and he just couldn’t. Not right now. Just… no.

So he slept on the couch, and woke sore the next day, but it was easier to get ready for school when he was so close to the kitchen. He made his lunch, grabbed his books, and was out of the house before anyone came downstairs. He’d walk to school today; that was fine with him.

It was a chilly Thursday morning but that was okay. It was sprinkling but not terribly so, and he had his jacket, the hood lifted over his head, backpack strewn over his shoulders. His feet dragged against the ground with every step, scuffing his shoes more and more but he didn’t care.

He wasn’t aware there was a car slowing behind him until he heard a small honk. Startled, he spun, nearly dropping his backpack as he did so, and found Shepard driving next to the curb, slowing to keep pace with him. In the passenger seat sat Sam.

“Hey,” Shepard said, frowning at him. “Need a ride?”

“Shepard, hey,” Kaidan said, unable to think of anything else to say. He wanted to ask where Shepard had been the past week but couldn’t draw up the words to do so. He was just startled to see him driving next to him.

The car slowed to a stop. “Get in,” Shepard said.

Kaidan wanted to argue. Wanted to say he could walk to school just fine, he didn’t need a ride, but his body moved of its own accord and he pried open the back driver side door and slid in behind Shepard, slowly closing the door behind him.

Shepard pulled away from the curb and they drove in silence for a while. When they stopped, Kaidan finally glanced out the window to find they were at Sam’s school. Sam bid them goodbye and climbed out of the car. Shepard glanced at him in the rearview mirror.

“You can get up front if you want,” he said.

“I’m good where I am, thanks.”

If it came out more bitter than he intended, he didn’t doubt it, but he was sorry for snapping at Shepard when he wasn’t angry with him. He wasn’t angry at anyone, really. Just… unhappy.

Shepard nodded, revved the engine and soon they were driving out of the parking lot and back onto the road.

He didn’t relax until Shepard began humming that familiar tune he still couldn’t quite place.

They didn’t talk the rest of the way to school. They didn’t talk as they got out of the car, or in the hallway on the way to class. Shepard didn’t ask why he’d been walking so early, when it was supposed to rain. Didn’t ask why he sat in the back instead of up front. There were no questions.

He was as grateful for this as he was frustrated.

_Do you not care? Is that why you’re not asking?_

Except, somehow, he knew that wasn’t the case. He was also grateful he didn’t have to answer questions.

It wasn’t until they sat in their usual seats in the back of their first period that he spoke.

“So where have you been?”

Shepard shrugged, getting out his books for this period. “Nowhere, really. Had a cold. I’m better now.”

Kaidan nodded. “Oh, okay. You missed a test in Chemistry.”

“Dammit. Alright, thanks for telling me.”

 

Thursday night was just as bad as Wednesday, if not more so.

He wanted to eat his dinner in his room like always, but Kevin was in there sleeping. So instead he sat at the dinner table surrounded by people he barely knew anymore.

The conversation was stilted and hushed. No one really knew what to say. He wondered if that was just how it was these days, or if they seemed to uncertain because he was eating with them now. Either way it made him lose his appetite. He pushed to his feet – he could eat in the living room or something.

His mom’s hand landed on his wrist, warm and everything he remembered. “Stay, Kaidan,” she said quietly. “It’s nice to see you.”

Kaidan took a breath and sat back down, fingers curling tightly around his fork. “You too.”

“Almost thought you disappeared,” his father said.

_A snide comment about how I’m in my room most of the time. Thanks, Dad._

“Carter,” his mom snapped.

His father sighed. “Sorry. How was your day, Kaidan?”

The question was so sudden he nearly choked on his food. “W-What?”

“Your day, Kaidan,” his mom said. “How was it?”

“Fine,” he said, reaching for his Sprite. “It was fine.”

“That’s good. Made any new friends lately?” his father asked.

Kaidan sighed, keeping his gaze lowered to his plate. “Not really.”

“How’s that one friend? Shepard, was it?”

Kaidan shrugged. “He’s fine.”

“So you’re still friends,” his father said. “That’s good.”

_I’m not a freak; I can make friends._

“Yes,” he breathed, “we’re still friends.”

There was a long pause.

“Are you sure you didn’t just make him up?”

“Carter!”

“What? I’m just concerned, that’s all.”

Kaidan couldn’t answer if he wanted to. There was this tight feeling in his chest, the way his lungs clenched and wouldn’t allow him to breathe, and he was sure his grip could break his fork.

“I’ve seen him,” Rahna spoke up. “He’s real, Dad.”

“That’s good,” his dad said. “I’m sorry. I just want to make sure you’re doing okay. How are your classes?”

“Fine,” he all but spat the word before he pushed to his feet. “May I be excused.”

“No,” his dad said. “Sit down and finish your food.”

“Carter,” his mom chided. “Go ahead, Kaidan. If you’re done eating.”

“I’m done.”

_So done. Let me go._

“Alright, sweetie,” she said quietly. “Why don’t you invite you friend to dinner tomorrow night?”

The hoarse laugh that escaped him surprised them all. He shook his head and all but stomped out of the kitchen. He couldn’t deal with this right now.

Ask Shepard to come to dinner? Introduce him to _that_? Was she crazy?

He wasn’t prepared for the footsteps to follow after him, but he’d recognize them anywhere. His heart leapt into his throat as he stopped at the bottom of the stairs and turned, not looking at the looming figure which stopped in front of him, but he knew who it was anyway.

“Invite him to dinner tomorrow,” his dad didn’t quite snap, but he might as well have. “For your mother.”

Kaidan took in a breath and nodded.

_Not like I have a choice._

“I’ll ask him.”

_Please say no._

“See that he comes, please.”

“If he wants to,” Kaidan said, shifting backward a step. “Can I go now?”

His father sighed. “Yes. Go ahead.”

He all but darted up the stairs.

He was in his room before he realized that even there, he wasn’t alone. It wasn’t his anymore.

 

“You want me to… what?”

Kaidan sighed. “My parents want you to come to dinner. I told them I’d ask.”

“You… want me to come to dinner? Tonight?” Shepard repeated, staring at him.

“You don’t have to.”

_I don’t want you to._

Shepard watched him for a long moment. Kaidan shifted uneasily under the gaze, under this sudden inspection he definitely hadn’t seen coming but couldn’t deny it was a little _nice_ to be looked at like that, like he actually _mattered_.

“Are you asking,” Shepard asked, “or your parents?”

“I told you-”

“I know what you said. Do you want me to go?”

“What does that have to do with-”

“Kaidan. Yes or no. It’s not that hard. Do you want me to go?”

Kaidan took in a breath. The answer should have been simple. He didn’t want him to go. He’d see how messed up everything really was, and he wouldn’t be able to hide it there. So, no, he didn’t want him to come. But he also wanted him to come, because if he didn’t come, his parents wouldn’t be happy. His father would assume he didn’t ask, and it would just create an entirely new load of problems.

So he nodded, because having Shepard hate him after learning everything seemed like a much better idea than having to answer to his parents.

“Yes,” he said quietly, “I want you to go.”

Shepard watched him for a moment before he shook your head. “You’re lying,” he said, “but I can’t figure out why. Alright, I’ll go. What time?”

Kaidan swallowed. “Six.”

“Okay, I’ll be there.”


	9. Chapter Nine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not too sure about this chapter, but meh, whatever. Also, this story might be over 24 chapters since these chapters are relatively short, most of them below 3k. So, yeah ;)

Chapter Nine

 

To say he wasn’t looking forward to dinner was an understatement. He spent the time before hand pacing the length of the porch and back, since he couldn’t pace in his room due to the fact his brother had all but overtaken it. Shepard would be there any time, and he could smell his father grilling in the backyard. Grilled hamburgers and hotdogs were on the menu tonight, even though it was a little chilly though not as cold as it had been.

Everyone was getting ready for dinner. He wasn’t sure who all would be eating at the table with them, but was a little afraid to find out. He didn’t want this to happen, dammit; Shepard didn’t need to meet his family. He had no idea what would happen during dinner, or if he’d even have a friend tomorrow.

The thought would have left him breathless if Shepard hadn’t chosen right then to show up, parking his car along the curb just off the porch. He seemed to hesitate before he climbed out of the car, stuffing his keys into his pocket. He was dressed in a slightly baggy dark red, long-sleeved shirt which looked rather comfortable, and shapeless faded blue jeans.

“Alright,” he said once he approached Kaidan, who just stood there like an idea on top of the porch, just off the steps, “I’m here. Should I, uh… I’m not late am I?”

“No,” Kaidan breathed, shaking his head. “No, you’re, uh… on time.”

“Oh, okay,” Shepard said. “Cool.”

And then they stood there awkwardly. He wished to break the moment because usually their silences weren’t like this, but he had no idea what to do or say. Shepard probably didn’t want to be here; if so, he had no idea why he agreed to come. Especially if he assumed Kaidan didn’t want him to come.

It made no sense.

“Come in,” he said after realized he was being rude. He stepped back, opened the door and gestured for him to enter with a wave of his hand. Shepard stepped inside and Kaidan followed after, quietly closing the door behind him.

He suddenly became self-conscious of the house.

“This, uh… Yeah.”

_Well that was stupid._

“It’s nice,” Shepard said. “Do I smell hotdogs?”

He nodded, fingering the hem of his own dark gray shirt. “Yeah. Dad’s… fixing hotdogs and hamburgers. Hope you’re hungry.”

“Starving,” Shepard told him. He wasn’t aware Shepard was moving until fingers lightly touched his shoulder. “Relax. What are you so worried about?”

“Nothing. I’m fine.”

Shepard sighed, fingers sliding away from his shoulder. “Alright. Show me around.”

That was easy, so he focused on that instead of _whatever_ he was worrying about. He felt much as he had at the movies; upset for absolutely no goddamn reason. He led Shepard through the living room, toward the stairs, and gestured vaguely at the rooms on the second floor before he led him into the kitchen. Thankfully the room was empty, both of his parents outside. He could hear quiet talking, though, so he assumed dinner was ready. The kitchen table was already set, but only with five plates, so either Rahna or Kevin weren’t joining them. He wasn’t sure which would make him feel less upset.

“You should, uh… We’ll be eating in a minute.”

Shepard nodded but didn’t move to sit down. Perhaps he misunderstood Kaidan, since he didn’t technically say it.

“Are you thirsty?” he asked.

“I could take a drink if you’re offering.”

He nodded and opened the refrigerator. “Um… what do you want to drink?”

“Whatever’s fine.”

_That’s not an answer._

He sighed and pulled out two Sprites, one for himself and one for Shepard. He handed it to him and Shepard easily took it, opening it to take a drink while Kaidan moved toward the table.

The back door opened, creaking as it did so, and his mother and father tromped inside, his father carrying a large white plate filled with hotdogs and hamburgers, his mother moving toward the counter to grab the buns to put them on the table.

“Hello,” his mother said after she released the buns, turning a wide smile on Shepard, her brown eyes seeming to sparkle in the light. It was a look he never saw anymore. “You must be Shepard. It’s nice to meet you!” She held her hand out.

Shepard took it easily. “Hello, ma’am,” he said. “Nice to meet you too.”

“So polite,” she said happily, before elbowing Kaidan’s father. “Carter, say hi.”

“Hello,” his father said, holding his out, Shepard taking it much as he had his mom’s. “It’s nice to meet you.”

“You too,” Shepard said as the two stopped shaking hands.

“I’ll go get Rahna,” Kaidan’s mom said, and he sighed. She would be joining them, then. That meant Kevin would either be going out or wasn’t even here. If that was the case he could have paced in his room.

As she left the room, Kaidan sat at the table in his usual chair. He wasn’t even aware of the seating arrangement until then. Usually he sat between his mother and Rahna, with his father at the opposite end of the table to his mom, and Kevin across from him, along with an empty chair. Shepard automatically sat next to him.

His mother and Rahna entered the room, Rahna sitting on Kaidan’s other side while Kaidan’s mom moved to sit on the opposite side of his father, who sat on Rahna’s other side. This left two empty chairs between Shepard, looping around the table, and his mom.

“Rahna, this is Shepard,” his mom said, “your brother’s friend.”

“We met,” Rahna said, fixing herself a cheeseburger.

Shepard reached for a hotdog and a bun while Kaidan sighed and snagged a hamburger.

“It’s not much,” his mom apologized, “but we weren’t sure what you liked. Kaidan wasn’t very helpful in that regard, I’m afraid.”

Kaidan sighed.

_Gee. Now it sounds like I don’t know my friend, or I just suck at helping around the house._

Both would technically be true. He didn’t know much about Shepard; he also didn’t help much around the house because he was usually in his room, or somewhere private. Being around his family was… tiring.

“This is fine, Mrs. Alenko,” Shepard replied.

“Please, call me Anna.”

Shepard smiled, smearing mustard across his hotdog and taking a large bite. Kaidan wasn’t particularly hungry but nevertheless he took a bite of his food as well.

“Dad thought he made you up,” Rahna said nonchalantly, squirting ketchup on her cheeseburger.

Kaidan nearly choked on his food, coughing. Shepard chuckled.

“I’m real,” he said.

“Yes,” his dad said. “I can see that. Kaidan, please turn your head away if you’re going to cough.”

Kaidan took a long chug of his drink to wash away the remaining crumbs lodged in his throat, coughing into his arm.

“So, Shepard, how is school?” his mom asked conversationally.

_Oh, God. They’re gonna interrogate him._

Honestly he should have seen this coming. He wanted to apologize for what was going to happen, but instead he just attempted to eat again.

“School’s fine,” Shepard said. “Chemistry’s a bitc-… I mean, it’s hard. Thankfully Kaidan’s a good tutor.”

“Kaidan’s tutoring you?” his dad asked, bewildered. “But he’s not very good at chemistry.”

“Carter,” his mom chided.

“Oh,” Shepard said uncertainly. “He’s actually pretty good. All A’s so far.”

“Is this true?” his dad asked, and Kaidan could feel his eyes on him.

He shrugged. “I guess.”

Though how Shepard new his grades was beyond him. He found he didn’t really mind, though.

“Kaidan tells me you met in Drama Club,” his mom said, dragging Shepard’s attention toward her. “Do you like it?”

“Yes, ma’am,” Shepard said. “It’s pretty fun.”

“Kaidan hasn’t said much about it,” his dad said.

“He’s only been in one play so far,” Shepard said, eying Kaidan. “But I think he liked it.”

“You didn’t tell me that,” his dad said, glancing at Kaidan.

Kaidan shrunk into his seat, shrugging as he toyed with the bread of his bun. “Uh… Yeah. It wasn’t long or anything, just… a skit.”

“Did you perform it?” his mom asked.

“Um… Yeah.”

“And you didn’t invite us?”

He sighed.

“It was very short,” Shepard said. “I didn’t have anyone come, either.”

“Are your parents happy you’re in Drama Club? Do they come see you often?” his mom asked as she took a bite of her sandwich.

Shepard stiffened somewhat in his seat. It was so sudden Kaidan couldn’t help but glance at him. He smiled, but it wasn’t a real smile. He wasn’t sure how he knew the difference, but he did.

“My parents are dead,” Shepard said quietly.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” his mom backtracked. “I didn’t mean-”

“It’s okay – they died three years ago.”

“I didn’t know that,” Kaidan said quietly. He honestly had no idea. He didn’t really know much about Shepard – his home life, even his first _name_ – and felt bad because of it. He hadn’t really asked for the information, either, even though he was certain Shepard knew a lot about him. A lot more than he probably would have liked for him to know, especially concerning his family.

Shepard shrugged, looking down at his food for the first time, averting his gaze which really wasn’t like him.

“How’d they die?”

“Rahna,” his mom hissed.

“It’s fine,” Shepard said, sighing, gaze still focused down on his food. “They were in a car accident. It was dark, and rainy, and they collided with another car. They died instantly.”

“I’m sorry,” he found himself saying quietly.

Shepard shrugged, this stiff roll of his shoulders. “It’s fine.”

_Why do you keep saying that._

Silence surrounded the table, and they all focused on eating rather than conversation.

It wasn’t until they were done eating and the table was cleared before his mom spoke as she sat back down. “Do you have any siblings, Shepard?”

“One,” Shepard said. “His name’s Sam. He’s fifteen.”

“Rahna’s fifteen as well,” his dad said. “Have you seen his brother around school?”

“Sam doesn’t go there,” Shepard said quickly. “He, um… he likes public school and all of his friends are there. It was just easier for him after… well. After our parents.”

“Oh, I’m sorry,” his mom said.

“It’s fine.”

_Goddamn it. Stop saying that._

He found he didn’t particularly like the phrase.

“Who have you been staying with, if you don’t mind me asking?” his dad asked. “If your parents are dead.”

“Carter, that’s rude.”

“A friend of the family took us in,” Shepard said. “David Anderson.”

“I see.”

The doorbell rang, then, breaking the conversation, thankfully.

Rahna stood. “That’s Julie,” she said before she left the kitchen. He heard the front door open and close, and the two walking up the stairs.

“Your brother’s not here if you two want to go up to your room, Kaidan,” his mom said.

_Thank God._

Kaidan pushed to his feet and Shepard did the same next to him.

“Nice meeting you, again,” Shepard said to his parents before he followed him out of the kitchen, toward the stairs. He led the way up the stairs and pushed open the door to his room, closing it after Shepard entered.

His room was nothing fancy; it was actually fairly small. His full sized bed was messy, covers strewn everywhere from where Kevin slept in it. His brother could be a slob. Two empty Sprite cans lined the bedside table, the alarm clock askew. Across the room stood his wooden desk, small and covered with those duffel bags of his brother’s. Old textbooks rested on the side shelf. Next to that rested his bookshelf where he kept all of his favorite books. He loved reading; it was an escape from reality he desperately needed.

“Nice room,” Shepard said, taking in the dark blue walls and everything.

“Thanks,” Kaidan said quietly. “Sorry about, um… Sorry about dinner.”

Shepard waved it off with his hand. “It’s fine.”

“Stop saying that.”

Shepard frowned, looking at him. “Excuse me?”

He took a breath. “Nothing, never mind.” He hadn’t meant to say it out loud, after all. “I don’t, um… I don’t know what to do up here. You can… go, if you want.”

“I’ll stay,” Shepard said.

He hadn’t realized this was the right answer until his body relaxed somewhat. “Oh, okay. I still don’t know what to do. I usually just… read, or do homework.”

Shepard chuckled faintly. “You’re such a nerd,” he said, but there was no heat behind it.

He shrugged. “I guess. Why, what do you usually do?”

Shepard shrugged. “Read, listen to music, write songs, the usual.”

“Write songs?” Kaidan asked. “I didn’t know that.”

“Yeah, I play them on my guitar.”

“You have a guitar?”

Shepard glance at him. “I haven’t told you much, have I?”

“Not really,” he said quietly, “no.”

_I didn’t really ask, either. I’m sorry._

“Is that what you’re always humming?” he asked.

Shepard chuckled. “Sometimes. Usually not.”

“Oh. Do you sing?”

_Okay, where’d that question come from?_

“Sometimes,” Shepard said, moving to sit on his bed. “So whose stuff is all of this? Aren’t you moved in yet?”

“Oh, my brother’s,” Kaidan sighed, shaking his head, gesturing at the duffel bags. “He, um… He’s staying here for a while.”

“And he took your room?”

“Kind of.”

“That sucks,” Shepard said. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine.”

“Got any cards?”

Kaidan frowned. “Probably, somewhere around here. Why?”

“I play a mean game of Go Fish.”

He found himself chuckling before he could stop himself. “Is that something to be proud of?”

“Yes. Because I will own your ass. So, cards?”

 

Kaidan didn’t realize how late it was until Shepard pulled out his cellphone, and sighed, pushing his cards away. He checked his window, which revealed it to be dark outside, and then his alarm clock.

11:41pm.

_Geez, I didn’t know it was that late. Did we really play cards for so long?_

Shepard got to his feet, tossing him a tired smile. “That was fun,” he said. “We’ll have to do it again some time.”

“Yeah,” Kaidan said quietly. He meant it, too; he’d actually had fun playing cards, of all things. They didn’t talk much while they played, except a jibe here or there, a challenge along the way and the promise of a rematch, but otherwise they just played the game. For hours.

“I’ll, um… walk you to the door.”

His ears burned even as he said it because it was so corny. Shepard wasn’t his date; he was his friend. He didn’t need to be walked to the door. Except it seemed rude not to do so, so he got to his feet and padded across the carpet toward the door.

Shepard toed on his shoes and followed him downstairs.

The house was quiet; everyone was asleep by this point, except Kevin who wasn’t here. He was probably out hanging with friends. He made friends quickly, after all.

“Thanks for dinner,” Shepard said he stood in the doorway, Kaidan holding the door open. Chilly air whipped at his face.

“No problem,” he said. “Do you have a jacket?”

_Alright; where’d that question come from?_

Shepard shook his head. “I’ll be fine. Thanks, again. Maybe next time you’ll actually win a hand of Go Fish.”

_Goddamn it._

He lost pretty much every hand they played, which was embarrassing because it was _Go Fish_ , the easiest of games.

Shepard sighed and turned to leave. “I’ll see you later,” he said. “You have my number, right?”

Kaidan blinked, frowning. “Um, no.”

“Get a piece of paper.”

Kaidan scrambled to do so even though there was really no rush. Shepard read off his number and Kaidan scribbled it down.

“Don’t call after midnight,” he said. “Especially on school nights. That’s my cell number.”

“Okay,” Kaidan said. “Thanks.”

Shepard smiled at him. It was a real smile this, too, not like it had been when they were eating. “See ya later, Kaidey.”

He scowled. “Don’t call me that.”

Shepard laughed and left the doorway with a wave, heading off the porch and toward his car. Kaidan watched him go, gaze lingering for a minute, though he wasn’t really sure why. He just wanted to make sure he got to his car okay, he decided.

Shepard got in his car, waved at him again, and drove off.

Kaidan sighed and ducked back in the house, toes curling at the chill.


	10. Chapter Ten

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which small rooms suck. Because, yeah.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not too sure about this chapter. It's a scene from the original version but I don't know, heh. I was going to make this chapter longer and include the weekend plans, but I will just do that next chapter. Hope it sounds okay!

Chapter Ten

 

“Hello?”

“Hey, Kaidan.”

“Shepard?” Kaidan asked, frowning as he padded across the living room floor, fighting the urge to slide across it in his socks, then he paused because where did _that_ thought come from? He hadn’t felt like doing that in years.

“Hey,” Shepard said.

“How’d you get this number?”

Shepard chuckled; it was breathy and warm in Kaidan’s ear, through the phone. “I have my ways. You’re free this weekend, right?”

“Um… I guess. Why?”

He didn’t have anything planned that he knew of, at least. He doubted anything would come up, either. He was usually free all the time, unless he was doing homework. Shepard had dinner with them on Friday, and today was Tuesday.

“Alright,” Shepard said, obvious grin in his voice, “Cool. Don’t make any plans.”

“Why?”

“It’s a secret,” Shepard told him with a quiet laugh. “Just keep Saturday and Sunday open.”

Kaidan sighed and nodded even though he knew Shepard couldn’t see him. “Okay,” he said, “I’ll keep it open.”

_Won’t be that hard._

“Make sure you do,” Shepard said. “I have to go, but do you need a ride to school tomorrow?”

Kaidan blinked at the request. Shepard took him home a lot, but rarely to school, save for that one time when he found Kaidan walking, and one other time when it was pouring down and Kaidan missed the bus. How he even knew Kaidan was walking that day was beyond him, but he’d just been grateful at the time.

He assumed his house was on Shepard’s way to school, but he couldn’t be sure since, he realized with a small stab of guilt, he didn’t actually know where Shepard lived.

“Um,” he said intelligently.

Shepard laughed. “Alright, I’ll pick you up. See you then, Kaidey.”

“Don’t call me-”

The dial tone buzzed in his ear and he sighed, pressing the ‘End’ button.

Sighing, he shook his head and only realized he was smiling when his jaw muscles began to ache.

 

They had Drama Club on Thursday. To his surprise Shepard wasn’t there, despite the fact he’d been at school today. He didn’t bother voicing his concerns, but nevertheless, he got an answer.

“Sam called him,” Ashley said. “He’ll be back soon. Probably with Sam.”

He nodded.

Until then he busied himself with painting the backdrops for their upcoming play. Ashley had yet to tell them what it was about, only to start painting and cutting out the backdrops.

He wasn’t sure how much time had passed before a hand landed on his shoulder. He stiffened and then relaxed when he heard that breathy chuckle, though _why_ he didn’t know.

“Easy, K,” Shepard said.

Kaidan stopped what he was doing and stood to greet his friend properly, because that was only the polite thing to do. “Hey. How’d it go with-”

Sam appeared at Shepard’s side, smirking at him. “Hey, Kaidan.”

“Hi,” Kaidan said.

Sam’s gaze wandered toward Ashley and he wandered off to strike a conversation with her, leaving the two of them alone backstage, everyone else near the back tables through the stage in the main part of the room.

“So,” Shepard asked, draping an arm around Kaidan’s shoulders. “How’s Drama Club?”

“Um,” Kaidan said.

_Goddamn it._

“Ashley and James are planning something,” he backtracked, “though Garrus won’t tell me.”

Shepard’s laugh was warm as he released Kaidan’s shoulders. “We can take him,” he said, catching Kaidan’s eye, “and make him talk.”

It was surprisingly hard to look away. He blamed it on the fact that when someone made eye contact, you were supposed to make it as well.

“Shepard!” Sam rushed to their side, pushing through the curtains. “Can you and Kaidan do something for me?”

Shepard sighed. “I guess. What do you want?”

Sam smiled and said nothing as he led them through the curtains. Kaidan and Shepard quietly followed after him, though Kaidan had no idea how he’d been roped into this, whatever it was. Sam led them through the room and to the back, toward the door labeled ‘COSTUMES’.

“Can you guys get something for me? I don’t know where it’s at.”

“What do you want?” Kaidan asked.

“A black cape.”

“Why?” Shepard asked, quirking a brow. “Decided to become Samantha Extraordinary, superior feminine male stripper of the upper east side?”

Kaidan choked on a laugh, coughing to attempt to hide it when Sam tossed the two of them a quick glare.

“You’re such a jerk,” Sam said.

“And you’re a brat,” Shepard replied.

Sam rolled his eyes and looked at Kaidan. “Can you guys please get it for me? I told Ashley I’d get it for something James wants but I don’t know where it’d be. You guys moved stuff around.”

“Fine,” Shepard sighed, “we’ll get it.” He entered the room labeled ‘COSTUMES’ and Kaidan silently followed after him.

The room was dark and crowded, the open door the only light until Kaidan found the light switch, illuminating the room in this odd yellow glow. Boxes lined the walls and he was reminded of how cramped the room seemed to be last time. There was barely enough room to walk without brushing elbows and tripping over each other.

“Did you say a black cape, Sam?” Shepard asked as he reached the back of the room, turning to face the door, eyes widening. “Hey!”

The door slammed shut behind Kaidan and he spun around in surprise, moving to grasp the doorknob because it was dark and stuffy in here. The door wouldn’t open. Could this room really lock? He frowned, feeling his heart sink though he wasn’t sure why. So he was locked in a room; no big deal. If push came to shove someone could kick the door in. He doubted he could; he’d probably dislocate a should trying, or break his leg, but maybe Shepard could. There wasn’t a lot of room to work with, though.

He didn’t like being in here like this. Being stuck somewhere was never fun, especially in a room so small and crammed as this one. A brief thought of a lack of air rushed through his mind, despite how crazy that was because there was no way this room could run out of air.

_Think rationally, dammit, you’re being ridiculous._

He took in a deep breath, attempting to calm his suddenly racing heart. It didn’t quite seem to be working.

_Oh, come on. Don’t tell me you’re afraid of enclosed spaces. Don’t be a baby._

_Goddamn it, Mind, shut up._

“Damn it,” Shepard muttered, moving past him, where he pounded on the door. “Sam! This isn’t funny! Open up! Hey! I’m going to kick your ass out of the house! Sam!”

Either Sam wasn’t listening or couldn’t hear them. How thick was the door to this room? He struggled to remember but kept drawing a blank. Or maybe Sam had moved away from the door; that was always an option. Either way the door remained locked and the room remained too small and cramped.

He took in a breath. Crowded places were fine. Small rooms were fine. Being trapped in a small room, though, left him more than a little on edge. He realized he’d never actually been stuck in a small space before. Elevators, but the experience was always brief.

“Whoa, hey,” Shepard said, grabbing him by the shoulder, spinning him around to face him, “calm down.”

He wasn’t aware he was hyperventilating until then, which was _crazy_ because there was _no reason_ to behave like this. Absolutely _none_. It was just a small room.

_Get over it._

“Jesus, K,” Shepard said, fingers clutching the fabric on his shoulder, “you okay?”

“I want to get out of here,” he said truthfully, his voice a mere, breathless whisper because it was getting so hard to breathe. Maybe they _were_ running out of air. The costumes and walls and boxes seemed to close in on him, sucking what little air seemed to remain, and he wanted to say he didn’t panic, but it felt like he did.

“Sam!” Shepard snapped at the door. “Kaidan wants out, he doesn’t like this! Open up! Sam!” He sighed heavily when no response came. “Damn it… the door is pretty thick, Kaidan, I don’t even know if he can hear us.”

Kaidan’s eyes widened. The door was thick. No one could hear them. Sam knew they were in here, but whatever his reason was for doing this, he didn’t seem to be stopping.

“Whoa, hey, Kaidan, take it easy,” Shepard said, guiding him toward the back of the room, pushing down on his shoulders until he sat down, Shepard kneeling next to him. “It’s just a small room, okay? It’ll be okay. Let’s just talk. Take your mind off things. Okay?”

Kaidan nodded, attempting to breathe correctly, but it felt like his lungs wouldn’t expand enough for him to do so. Shepard moved to sit next to him instead of kneel, their knees knocking together in the tight space, and his fingers all but curled into the cold, hard ground, nails scratching into the smooth wood.

He’d been in this room before; he should be _fine_. There was no reason to panic like this. Just because the door was closed and seemingly locked was nothing to worry about. It was _fine_. Perfectly fine, and they’d get out soon. It would be okay.

So why couldn’t he goddamn _breathe_?

And Shepard was there, dammit, seeing how pathetic he really was.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered.

“For what?”

“For…”

_For what?_

Shepard sighed. “For not liking small rooms? Kaidan, that’s not your fault, man. Sam’s just being an ass. I don’t know what he’s trying to do but he won’t leave us in here for too long. I promise.”

Kaidan nodded, because he knew that. He knew they wouldn’t be stuck in here for long, which just meant he had even _less_ reason to panic.

“I don’t think any less of you,” Shepard said quietly, “if that’s what you’re worried about.”

“Thanks,” he said quietly, unaware he’d even been worried about that until now, but it still didn’t quite help him breathe better.

“No problem.” Shepard shrugged next to him and sighed. “It’s hot in here, huh?” He pulled his shirt from his chest and let it drop back before repeating the process.

Kaidan nodded and closed his eyes.

“Just don’t think about it,” Shepard told him. “Keep your eyes closed and imagine yourself somewhere else. At least I think it’ll work… I wouldn’t really know. Sorry, Kaidan, I’m trying to help but…”

“You’re helping,” Kaidan said, and to his surprise he found it wasn’t really a lie. “Thank you.”

“That’s what friends are for, right?”

“I suppose.”

He opened his eyes, which was a really bad mistake. The room was still so small and cramped and hot. His eyes darted toward the door but of course it was still shut, still locked, and he knew they weren’t getting out of here. At least not soon, maybe not ever. What if Sam forgot about them? What if no one remembered them in here and left for the day? What if they were trapped in here all night? There probably wasn’t enough air in here to last that long, he realized, which only made things _worse_ because this time he _knew_ when he was hyperventilating.

“Kaidan, calm down,” Shepard ordered, gripping his shoulder firmly. “Kaidan! Hey, take it easy. Breathe, man, okay? Everything’s fine.”

“What if they forget we’re here?” He didn’t mean to voice this aloud, and yet he said it anyway.

“What?”

“What if-”

“That’s not gonna happen,” Shepard said. “I promise. Sam wouldn’t forget. Everything’s fine. Calm down, okay? I don’t need you passing out on me.”

Kaidan took in a shaky breath and swallowed thickly. “I’m sorry,” he breathed, “I just-”

“I know, Kaidan, I get it. I do. I understand. And I don’t expect you to apologize, okay? It’s fine. Just take it easy.”

He felt a little reassured, he’d have to admit, but there was still that nagging feeling in his gut, and he found he still felt the urge to vomit. The air was too warm, too thick and confining, just like the walls around him, the walls clad with boxes and costumes.

“I want out.”

“I know,” Shepard murmured, draping an arm across his shoulders, pulling him toward him in that same awkward hug from before. “Sam won’t keep us in here too long, okay? I promise.”

Shepard was making a lot of promises today. He wasn’t entirely sure what to think about that, so he focused on breathing. He sucked in a deep breath and let it out slowly, attempting to calm himself because this was _crazy_.

“We’ll be out of here soon.”

Kaidan, in the hopes of focusing his gaze on something other than the walls around him which were making him feel more sick to his stomach and dizzy by the moment, looked at Shepard as the brunette pulled away from him, arm still draped over his shoulder but nearly sliding away. Shepard was looking around the room as though searching for something, perhaps another key hidden somewhere, stashed away, but he wasn’t sure. All he knew was the heat of the room left a small flush to Shepard’s cheeks, his eyes bright. He wasn’t aware he was staring so much until Shepard shifted and looked at him.

“Um… Kaidan?”

“What?”

“… What are you doing?” Shepard asked, leaning back a little, arm sliding away from Kaidan’s shoulders. Kaidan paused, then, unaware he’d been steadily leaning closer, either to get a better look at _something_ or just because he had no real sense of balance when it was so damn stuffy in this room, he wasn’t sure. Either way he’d entered Shepard’s ‘bubble’, which was something Shepard ranted about at lunch one day, his personal space bubble, which Garrus metaphorically stabbed with a fork.

“Sorry,” Kaidan stammered, quickly pulling back. “I’m sorry, I just, um…” He didn’t know what to say, and only realized he was staring again when a slow smile spread across Shepard’s face.

The weird thing was Shepard was staring right back. For a moment they just looked at each other, blue attached to brown, and Kaidan felt it this time when his body hunched forward a little, either because his stomach was upset or something else, he wasn’t sure. Shepard didn’t bother to move back, didn’t flinch or react in the slightest, just kept watching him.

And then Kaidan pushed himself back because it was already crowded in here, he didn’t need to be crowding Shepard as well. He took in a breath, attempting to swallow the stuffy air, and clenched his eyes tightly closed.

“Kaidan,” Shepard said quietly. “You can let go.”

_Let go?_

“What?”

“You’re going to rip my shirt.”

Kaidan swallowed, unaware he’d grasped the hem of Shepard’s shirt until then. “Sorry,” he breathed, but couldn’t find it within himself to let go, still attempting to breathe properly.

“Hey,” Shepard said quietly, “it’ll be okay.”

“How do you know?” he snapped.

“I just do, okay? It’ll be fine.”

“You don’t know that,” Kaidan all but growled, opening his eyes to toss Shepard a look. “You don’t know that at all. What if they forget about us? What if we’re stuck in here all damn night? There’s not enough air… not enough air to-” He broke off then, finding it hard to breathe yet again. The air was stale and hot and he _hated_ it.

“Whoa, hey, calm down,” Shepard said, much as he had before, but this time there were warm hands on his face, dragging Kaidan’s gaze toward those blue eyes. “Calm down. It’s fine. Look at me, Kaidan, only me. We’re in your room. Playing cards. It’s fine.”

“It’s fine,” Kaidan echoed, unable to even worry about Shepard’s hands cupping his face, instead focused on the warmth to ground himself. This was crazy; he couldn’t be afraid of a small room. After everything he’d been through… and this was what left him breathless.

He was so completely pathetic.

And then Sam opened the door, light flooding the room. Kaidan’s gaze snapped toward him as Sam smiled.

“Am I interrupting something?”

“You’re dead,” Shepard snapped, releasing Kaidan and getting to his feet. “Do you hear me? Dead!”


	11. Chapter Eleven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was a pain to write. Seriously. Gah. I probably won't update again until some time tomorrow since, you know, writing from scratch and all that jazz.

Chapter Eleven

 

They didn’t talk about what happened in that room. Kaidan was grateful for this, but was also nervous about it. Did Shepard think he was pathetic? He thought he was. He shouldn’t have been so worried about a small room. But they didn’t talk about it, or any of their actions in there. Shepard growled at Sam and scolded him and then they left. He took Kaidan home and that was that, end of story.

It was Saturday now. Time for Shepard’s secret plans. Kaidan had no idea what to expect so he dressed casually in a plain T-shirt and blue jeans, and a light blue jacket. Shepard arrived at the agreed upon time and Kaidan took a breath before he walked out of the house and toward the car. He noticed Sam sitting in the backseat and wasn’t sure what to think of it; he hadn’t spoken to him since that little room.

He climbed into the passenger seat, surprised Sam sat in the back and allowed him to have this seat.

“Hey,” Shepard greeted with a grin as he pulled away from the curb.

“Hi,” Kaidan said in return.

“So, I’m sorry about locking you guys in the closet,” Sam sighed after Shepard tossed him a look in the rearview mirror. “It was a joke. I didn’t know you were claustrophobic.”

“I’m not claustrophobic,” he said.

Shepard tossed him a quick glance. “Then what would you call it?”

“I don’t…”

_I don’t know._

“I just don’t like small, hot rooms. I’m fine in elevators.”

Shepard shrugged. “Whatever you say, Kaidey.”

Kaidan scowled. “Don’t call me that. So what are these secret plans?”

“All in good time,” Shepard said. “First we’re going to eat. Anything in mind?”

Kaidan shrugged. “I don’t care.”

“Me neither,” Sam said.

“Right,” Shepard said, “cheeseburgers it is.”

“There’s more to life than cheeseburgers, Shepard,” Sam said.

“If there is, I don’t want to find out.”

Kaidan hid a smile and looked out the window, listening to the two brothers bicker about the merit of cheeseburgers and why cheeseburgers weren’t a big thing.

He realized then that maybe Shepard’s favorite food was cheeseburgers. Or hotdogs. He wasn’t sure which.

Maybe tonight would be okay, he decided. The knots in his stomach eased and he could breathe correctly, all his tension and nervousness over the situation ebbing away.

 

“No peeking,” Shepard said, hands firm on Kaidan’s shoulders as he led him through the parking lot.

Kaidan kept his eyes closed. “I haven’t peeked the first three times you said it,” he said. “But if I trip…”

“You won’t trip,” Shepard said certainly.

They pushed through a door, Sam trailing behind them. The scent of pizza and various foods wafted up his nostrils and he fought the urge to open his eyes, because they just ate; why were they somewhere there was food?

“Open your eyes, Kaidey.”

“Don’t call me that,” Kaidan sighed as he opened his eyes to find himself in a large area. He couldn’t bring himself to call it a ‘room’. In front of him stood a laser tag area, the entrance boasting ‘LASER THIS!’ in large, bright letters. Dark smoke filtered through the cracks in the door just inside the entrance. He’d never played laser tag before but he assumed this was natural as no one was panicking.

Shepard moved past him toward the guy standing at the entrance, paying for their entrance fee. Kaidan swallowed because he brought money, but didn’t get the chance to use it because Shepard insisted on paying for dinner and now he’d gone and paid for this before Kaidan could get a word in edgewise. Shepard hurried back toward them, then, carrying three vests and three guns.

“Strap up,” he said, handing each of them a vest and a gun. “Aim for any of the lit up areas; you’ll see what I mean in the room. I get the feeling you’ve never played this before.”

Kaidan nodded, wondering how he could possibly know that.

“It’s written all over your face,” Shepard said as though he said that aloud. “Don’t worry, it’ll be fun.”

Kaidan sighed and followed Shepard as he turned and walked through the entrance. The door buzzed open and they entered the thick, dark smoke, quickly suiting up, as Shepard said.

He walked next to Shepard as they entered the room beyond that, where the smoke was coming from. It lay over them like a thick blanket and he was momentarily blinded. As he was getting used to the thick fog he realized Shepard wasn’t with them, and Sam was edging away with his gun. Kaidan stood there like an idiot before he moved to follow Sam, but lost him in the fog. He saw shadows moving around him, other players having fun, and he clutched his gun tighter, wrapping his finger over the trigger.

Shepard suddenly appeared next to him a few minutes later, knocking his shoulder into his, a foggy grin plastered on his face. “How are you doing?” he asked cheerfully.

“Um,” Kaidan said.

Shepard chuckled and grabbed his arm, tugging him into one of the corners in the room. There were a lot, he realized. There were little things, almost like cardboard, that were up all over the room to allow people places to hide and move about unseen, even through the fog, and currently they were hiding behind one of those places.

“We’re taking out Sam,” Shepard declared. “Little bastard’s always sneaking up on me.” There was this tone to his voice that left Kaidan wondering if Shepard actually _let_ Sam win and catch up to him, and it had nothing to do with Sam’s sneakiness. “You with me, K?”

Kaidan shrugged and nodded because he didn’t know what else to do.

Shepard’s answering smile was contagious. “C’mon,” Shepard said, snagging Kaidan’s arm again, tugging him through the fog.

Kaidan didn’t protest. Shepard hefted up his gun, getting ready, and then suddenly fired into the darkness. There was a loud ringing as someone’s alarm went off on their vests, the laser from the gun hitting its desired location. Some random kid groaned aloud. Shepard chuckled and grabbed his arm again, hurrying them through the fog once more.

“There he is,” Shepard suddenly whispered, pulling him close. Kaidan blinked, able to feel his breath against his face, their heads nearly sharing the same space. “Get ready. Follow my lead, Kaidey.”

Before he could tell him ‘don’t call me that, dammit’ Shepard stepped forward and he took a small breath, sighing as he followed suit. Sam appeared faintly through the fog and Shepard lifted his gun, aiming his laser at one of the bright places on the back of Sam’s vest as the younger brother looked around, hunting down someone else. Shepard’s enthusiasm was contagious; he found himself smiling as he watched Shepard march toward Sam like he was in Mission Impossible, sliding up to cover with this face set in humorous determination.

Shepard waved at him and Kaidan raised his gun as well. The two fired as one, and Kaidan had to admit, the rush of adrenaline which rushed through him, and the satisfaction of the alarms on Sam’s vest going off, were rather satisfactory. Shepard grabbed his arm and hurried to the two of them out of sight, behind one of the board walls.

The two shared a small laugh as Sam’s head darted each way, searching for them, before he sighed and hurried into the foggy darkness around them, away from prying eyes and trigger-happy people. Shepard threw an arm easily around Kaidan’s neck and laughed breathily. By this point the movement was familiar and not entirely unwanted; it spoke of friendship and made him relax, though he’d deny it if anyone asked.

“What now?” he asked quietly.

“Now we hunt down little boys and girls.”

He sounded so serious when he said that for a moment, Kaidan paused, and then released quiet laugh, shaking his head.

“That sounds creepy.”

“Yes it does,” Shepard agreed. “Nevertheless, you’re joining me. C’mon.” He moved out of the cardboard cover and spun, suddenly shooting off into the distance with, Kaidan had to admit, pinpoint accuracy. Another alarm went off and Shepard laughed, pumping a fist into the air. “Yes! I am the _king_.”

Kaidan smirked and shook his head, hurrying after Shepard as he darted away again, in the thrill of chasing someone down.

It was… oddly fun. Not the actually shooting, he realized, but being dragged around by Shepard to hunt down unsuspecting people. And that sounded so absurd he couldn’t help but laugh, which left Shepard tossing him one of those rare smiles. Not the real ones because he did that often enough, but this sincere, happy one Kaidan hadn’t realized he’d missed, or even knew existed.

 

Like all good things, the night eventually came to an end. Shepard was smiling all the while, even as they took off the vests and turned in the gear. After that they trudged out of the building and toward Shepard’s car, where they climbed in and put on their seatbelts.

As they pulled out of the parking lot, Shepard glanced at him. “Have fun?”

Kaidan nodded. He really did have fun. It was, actually, one of the best times of his life, but it was coming to an end and he wasn’t quite sure what to think about that. As they pulled onto the highway, heading back to town, he looked over at Shepard.

“Why did you tell me to clear tomorrow, too?”

_Not that I had to clear anything. I never have plans._

“We’re gonna go to the movies tomorrow, and to eat,” Shepard said. “Sam might ditch us if that’s okay. Right, Sammy?”

Sam scowled. “Right, _Au-_ ”

Shepard cleared his throat loudly. “Shh!” he snapped. “The first name isn’t required, dammit.”

Sam chuckled.

Kaidan frowned. “What _is_ your first name, anyway? Even the teachers call you Shepard.”

Shepard shrugged. “Yeah, well, maybe I’ll tell you someday. If you’re lucky.”

 

Kaidan almost felt disappointed when Shepard pulled up outside his house to drop him off. He’d dropped Sam off at a friend’s before driving here. The house was quiet and dark since it was after midnight, the porch light the only thing lighting the way.

“We’re here,” Shepard said after a minute of the two of them sitting there in silence.

“Yeah,” Kaidan sighed, “I know.”

“You gonna get out?”

“Yeah.”

A pause.

“I can totally walk you to the door if you want.”

Kaidan released a breathy laugh and shook his head. “Um, no. That won’t be necessary.”

“Alright. We’ll just sit here in silence. The crickets have a nice beat going.”

He shook his head again and took in a breath, finally reaching for the handle to open the door. He pushed it open and tossed his feet out of the car, wondering why he was so reluctant to leave and go inside. Everyone would be asleep; he wouldn’t have to answer to anyone.

Except Kevin was in his room, and the couch wasn’t very comfortable.

“We can go to my house,” Shepard offered quietly, “if you want.”

“No, that’s…”

“Close your door,” Shepard instructed, revving the engine. “And put your seatbelt back on.”

Kaidan frowned. “I can’t just… I should tell them where I’m going.”

“It’s fine,” Shepard said. “You can call them in the morning. I’m not kidnapping you, Kaidan; if you want to stay, that’s fine. Or you can come with me.”

He wanted to stay here; he felt more comfortable at home, in his room. Except he didn’t have a room right now, not really. And the couch was very uncomfortable, so he sighed and closed his door, putting his seatbelt back on.

They pulled away from the curb without another word.

 

Shepard’s house wasn’t anything fancy. Kaidan wasn’t sure what he’d been expecting. It was smaller than his own house, and was only one-story. Shepard pulled into concrete driveway and turned the car off, pushing his door open. It was surprisingly easy to get out of the car this time, though he wasn’t sure why. If anything he should be more uneasy here than at his house, but somehow that wasn’t the case. The two walked silently up the small pathway toward the front door, which Shepard keyed open and they pushed their way inside.

The floorboards creaked quietly beneath them as Shepard led the way through the darkness. They walked to the end of a long, dark hallway where Shepard opened a door and gestured for him to enter. A moment later the door closed and light flooded the room.

The room wasn’t anything fancy. Posters of song lyrics, people from movies, and bands lined the light gray walls. Off in the far corner sat a full sized bed much like Kaidan’s own, the bed neatly made with a warm-looking red comforter and two pillows wrapped in equally red pillow cases. Shepard put his keys down on a small desk near the door, clothes and a jacket clinging to the back of his desk chair.

“You can take the bed,” Shepard told him with a yawn.

Kaidan frowned. “Um. No, I’ll take the floor. This is your room.”

Shepard shrugged. “Guest takes the bed.”

“Owner takes the bed,” Kaidan argued.

Shepard tossed him a look. “I’m not sleeping in the bed.”

“Neither am I.”

“Well we can’t both sleep on the floor and ignore the bed. That’s just silly.”

“So take the bed,” Kaidan said, slipping out of his shoes.

Shepard released a breathy laugh. “Alright. We’ll both take the bed. Satisfied?”

Kaidan froze, then, spine stiffening somewhat. “Um,” he said.

“Don’t worry – I’ll be a good boy and stay on my side. As long as you don’t kick me in the shin. I won’t even hog the covers.”

Kaidan took in a breath and released it slowly. “I’ll sleep on the floor.”

“You’re sleeping in the bed one way or another,” Shepard said, folding his arms across his chest. “This is not up for debate.”

Kaidan swallowed, unable to think of a way out of this. He didn’t want to steal Shepard’s bed but he also didn’t particularly want to sleep on the floor. It would be more uncomfortable than the couch. Sharing the bed with Shepard didn’t seem like a good idea, either. Though he wasn’t sure why. Friends shared the bed sometime. Rahna always shared the bed with her friends when they stayed the night.

If she did it, he could too. It was easier than arguing.

“Okay,” he sighed. “I hog the covers.”

Shepard laughed. “I might kick you off the bed if you hoard them.”

“Sounds fair,” Kaidan said.

“Alright, good. Now get into bed, dammit.”


	12. Chapter Twelve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not too sure about this chapter, it's kind of ramble-y especially at the end, but meh, whatever. It's actually longer for once! Over 4k! Gasp! ;) Hope it sounds okay though. Lemme know :)

Chapter Twelve

 

Kaidan woke more rested than he had in a long time. The scent of the pillow beneath his head didn’t smell like his own, but that wasn’t a bad thing, he found. Instead he sighed into the pillow and curled further under the covers. The room smelled different, too, but again it wasn’t bad. It actually just helped him relax a little, because ever since Kevin moved back in, his room didn’t smell like it was his anymore.

There was light burning white and red on the other side of his closed eyelids and he could vaguely heard birds chirping, even though birds were rare to hear these days, with the temperature changing and dropping. As consciousness wormed its way through his mind he caught the whiff of something. His tired mind couldn’t connect the dots at the moment but it smelled good and his mouth salivated, causing him to open his eyes. After his vision stopped blurring he took notice of the small room, the gray walls and the posters that weren’t his.

Memories flooded through his mind, a light through the fog. He was at Shepard’s, he remembered. For some reason he didn’t get out of the car at his house and instead went to Shepard’s and stayed the night. The two wound up sharing a bed.

He took a breath and looked at the other side of the bed, only to find it empty. His fingers knocked against cold covers and he knew he’d been alone for a while. He wasn’t sure why that left him frowning, but it did nevertheless. Sighing, he drew the covers back and tossed his feet over the side of the bed, socked feet brushing against the smooth carpet.

He stood, stretching, feeling incredibly rested though he wasn’t sure why. Probably because he actually slept in a bed for once, and not on the couch as he’d been doing since Kevin moved back in.

He walked across the room, running his fingers through his hair, yawning as he exited the room. The scent got stronger as he did so.

“Shepard?” he called quietly, moving in the direction of the smell. He padded through the living room and into the kitchen, all yellow and green walls and small but homey. Standing over a griddle stood Shepard, who tossed him a quick smile when he caught side of him.

“Morning, Kaidey,” he said.

_It’s too early for this._

“What are you doing?” he asked instead of telling him to not call him that.

“I’m spoiling you,” Shepard said. “Sit down.”

“Spoiling me?” Kaidan echoed as he did as he was told, taking a seat at the small, square kitchen table which only had four chairs. “What are you…?”

Shepard turned the griddle off and turned toward him with a plate full of pancakes. Kaidan almost laughed but was too grateful to do so, because his stomach chose that moment to growl loudly. It was very noticeable in the otherwise quiet kitchen.

“Thanks,” he said when Shepard put the plate down in the center of the table. Another plate was given to him, and he added a few of the pancakes onto it, reaching for the butter and syrup.

Shepard put a glass of milk down in front of him.

“You’ll never convince me soda goes with pancakes,” Shepard said.

Kaidan shrugged and took a drink of the milk.

Shepard grabbed his own plate, snagged a few of the pancakes, and the two ate in a comfortable silence. It was the most relaxed meal Kaidan had in a while, the atmosphere easy and warm and everything he missed about his old life before _it_ happened.

“Kaidan?” Shepard’s voice was hesitant.

Kaidan took a breath. “Yeah?”

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah.”

“…I’m sorry, do you not like pancakes?”

“I like pancakes,” he said. He hadn’t realized he was such an open book as to when he was even remotely upset. He’d really have to work on that or Shepard would know how pathetic he really was. “Thanks for breakfast. I appreciate it.”

Shepard shrugged, taking a bite of his food. “Sorry if they’re terrible. I’m not the best cook.”

Kaidan chuckled. “They’re fine. Thanks. Where is everyone?”

“Sam’s still at his friend’s,” Shepard said, sopping up syrup with a piece of his pancake before stuffing it into his mouth. “David’s on a business trip and won’t be back for a few days.”

“Business trip?”

“Yeah. Which leaves me in charge no matter what Sam says.”

Kaidan smirked to himself. “I see.”

“You totally hogged the covers last night, by the way.”

He took in a breath, applauding himself for _not_ choking. “Um. Sorry. I did warn you.”

Shepard chuckled. “Yep, I guess so. I can, um… I can take you home, if you want.”

Kaidan frowned, looking down at his plate. “What were we supposed to do today?”

“That’s not until tonight,” Shepard said. “So if you want to go home… I can take you. If you want. I’m not kicking you out or anything.”

Kaidan chewed on his lower lip. “Can I use your phone?”

Shepard nodded and disappeared from the kitchen. When he came back he held a cordless phone which he tossed toward him. Kaidan caught it easily enough and tried to remember his number. He didn’t think he’d ever learned it.

Shepard rattled off his number, leaving Kaidan staring at him.

Shepard smirked. “I have a good memory. Sorry if it creeps you out.”

“Not creeped out,” Kaidan sighed, shaking his head as he punched in the number Shepard gave him. Shepard put his empty plate in the sink and left the room to give him some privacy, which was appreciated.

The phone rang several times before his mom answered.

“Hey, Mom,” he said.

“Where are you?” she asked.

“I’m at Shepard’s,” he said. “Sorry I didn’t tell you. It was late when we got back and I didn’t want to wake you.”

His mom sighed. “That’s okay, just let me know next time. Did you have fun?”

“Yeah,” he said honestly, smiling at the memory.

“That’s good.”

“I just, um… wanted to let you know where I was.”

“Okay, sweetie.”

“Bye,” he said. He was never good at ending conversations. Awkwardly, he ended the call and put the phone down on the table. Then he stood and put his plate in the sink before he capped the butter bowl and put it back in the refrigerator, before he left the room.

He found Shepard in his room, toeing on his shoes.

“So am I taking you home?” Shepard asked.

Kaidan frowned. “If you want to,” he said quietly. “I don’t, um… I don’t have to go home.”

Shepard looked at him. “Are you asking to stay?”

Kaidan sighed. “Why do you have to make everything so difficult.”

“Because what’s the fun in making it easy?” Shepard asked, grinning. “But okay, Kaidey, you can stay.”

“Don’t call me that.”

 

“Got any threes?”

Kaidan shook his head and Shepard grabbed a car from the deck between them. They were currently playing Go Fish on Shepard’s bed, with Kaidan at the foot of the bed and Shepard at the head.

“Twos,” Kaidan said.

“Dammit,” Shepard muttered, tossing him a two.

“Fours.”

“Nope, go fish.”

Kaidan drew from the deck.

“So, how are things at home?”

The question came out of nowhere, leaving Kaidan frowning. “What do you mean?”

Shepard shrugged, shifting on the bed, switching which leg rested under him and which just rested off to the side, both folded. “I’m sorry; I was just curious. It didn’t seem like you and your sister were on good terms when we were at school, so… I’m sorry. None of my business. Got any fives?”

Kaidan tossed a five toward him. “We’re doing okay,” he said quietly. “No flare ups.”

“That’s good,” Shepard told him. “Got any sevens?”

Kaidan shook his head and Shepard drew from the deck. “How are things with you?”

“Good,” Shepard said. “Great. Fine. Everything’s fine.”

Kaidan quirked a brow at him. “You don’t sound very certain.”

Shepard scowled. “Everything’s fine. Your turn, by the way.”

Kaidan sighed. “Eights. And it’s not fair if you ask me questions and won’t answer mine.”

He wasn’t sure where that came from, or why he said it, but he found he didn’t quite regret it. It was easy to talk this way with Shepard; why couldn’t it be this easy at home?

“Sorry,” Shepard sighed, tossing him an eight. “I don’t mean… Okay. I’ll answer any questions you have.”

Kaidan tossed him a look. “So how are you?”

“Everything’s okay. Don’t give me that look, I’m not lying. Things could just be better, that’s all.”

“Like what?”

Shepard scowled. “Next question.”

“I thought you said-”

“One answer per question. Next, please.”

Kaidan sighed. “Alright, fine.” He tried to think of questions he should ask, things he should know about his friend. “What’s your favorite color?”

“Red,” Shepard said. “Your turn.”

“Blue.”

Shepard chuckled, smirking at him. “I meant in the game, but that’s nice to know.”

Kaidan’s ears didn’t quite burn they felt like it. “Oh, um…”

“But no, we can totally reciprocate. It’s only fair.”

“Nines,” Kaidan said. “Okay, I guess. Does that mean it’s your turn?”

“Go fish,” Shepard said. “And sure, I’ll go. What’s your favorite food?”

“Steak. Yours?”

“Any kind of meat, really. I’m partial to hotdogs and cheeseburgers. Got any tens?”

Kaidan tossed over two of them. “What’s your first name?”

Shepard laughed. “Sneaky, aren’t you? But nope, that’s a question you’re gonna have to skip over.”

“Why?”

“Because.”

“Why?”

Shepard smirked at him. “Because that’s an answer you’re going to have to earn, Kaidey.”

“Don’t call me that.”

 

He wasn’t sure how long they played cards this time. At some point they abandoned the game to instead migrate to the living room where they watched a few movies, one of which Kaidan had seen before and two that was new to him. Eventually Shepard turned the TV off and got to his feet from where they sat on the couch.

“Alright,” he said, looking down at Kaidan, “time to go.”

“Go where?” Kaidan asked, glancing at the clock under the TV.

6:52pm.

“Dinner,” Shepard said with this grin. “And a movie.”

“A movie?” Kaidan echoed, vaguely remembering Shepard’s words from the night before. “And dinner.”

“Yep. You’re hungry, right? We could skip it if you want.”

“I could eat,” he said. They hadn’t eaten since they had pancakes at noon. It was the latest Kaidan had slept in years. “What’d you have in mind?”

“Whatever you want,” Shepard said, slipping his shoes back on from where they rested next to the couch. Kaidan toed his own shoes on as well and followed Shepard out the door. Shepard locked it behind them and moved toward the car.

“I don’t care,” Kaidan told him.

“Cheeseburgers it is, then.”

Kaidan fought the urge to roll his eyes.

They climbed into the car and pulled out of the driveway. Shepard’s usual humming began.

“So what are you humming?” he asked.

Shepard chuckled, thumping his fingers against the steering wheel in time with his humming. “You’ll have to figure that out yourself, Kaidey.”

“Don’t call me that.”

“Why won’t you let me call you that?”

“Because.”

“Why?”

“Because it…”

_It reminds me of before. And I can’t…_

He took a breath and focused his attention out the window.

“Okay,” Shepard said quietly, voice oddly sincere. “I won’t call you Kaidey anymore.”

He should have felt relief at that, but all he felt was this odd disappointment.

Shepard’s humming resumed a few minutes later, as they stopped at a red light, fingers tapping against the steering wheel again. Kaidan relaxed in his seat, the tension dispersing from his body as the atmosphere in the car lightened.

They drove through the green light and rounded a corner, pulling into the usual café-like restaurant. He wasn’t sure _when_ it became their usual place, but it was nevertheless. He found he actually kind of liked the thought of that. Friends often had places like that, though. Usual hangouts.

They climbed out of the car and entered the restaurant a few minutes after seven. They took their usual seat in the back corner with the window, and their usual waitress greeted them. He wasn’t aware how often they came here until then, when she didn’t even bother asking what Shepard wanted before looking at Kaidan because Shepard’s order was so predictable.

“He’ll take the usual, too,” Shepard said for him, and the waitress – her nametag said Tracy – nodded, scribbled it down on her pad, and walked away from the table. Kaidan tossed Shepard a glance. “What?” Shepard asked innocently. “Cheeseburger, no pickles or ketchup, add tomato, and fries on the side. A Sprite to drink. Am I right?”

Kaidan blinked at him. “Yeah,” he said. “How did you…?”

“I pay attention,” Shepard said, gaze dancing away from him to look out the window. “I have a good memory, remember?”

“Right,” Kaidan breathed. “Of course. So, you usually get, um… a cheeseburger, with mustard and no ketchup, and…”

_Crap. I should know this._

“Fries,” Shepard said. “Cheese sauce on the side for them. Add pickles and tomato to the cheeseburger.”

“Right,” he said, “um, sorry.”

“About what?”

“I should know…”

Shepard chuckled, glancing at him. “I only know because I like to pay attention to little details. I’m also a stalker and I’m keeping a very detailed chart of my victims.”

Kaidan laughed. “Oh, really?”

“Yes, really.”

“So I’m a victim now?”

“The best victim,” Shepard told him with a nod.

Kaidan shook his head even as the smile stretched his mouth.

 

They arrived at the theater at half past eight, fifteen minutes before the movie was supposed to start. They took their time when eating and had some light conversation while they did so, before Shepard got to his feet and nodded toward the exit.

Now they climbed out of the car and entered the movie theater. Shepard bought the tickets to some comedy Kaidan didn’t even know was playing, and bought him a Sprite for a drink before they walked down the hallway toward their desired room.

They were the only ones in the room when they got there. Shepard led the way to the back row of seats and the two sat down in the far right corner, Kaidan against the wall and Shepard in the seat next to him. The room was dimly lit, the pre-preview commercials playing.

“I’ll pay you back,” Kaidan said.

Shepard scowled. “Nah, that’s fine.”

“You must have spent a fortune this weekend,” Kaidan said.

“It’s fine.”

“I’ll pay you back. It’s only fair.”

“Nah, man, I swear. It’s fine.”

Kaidan sighed heavily. “Fine. But next time we go out, I’m buying.”

Shepard smirked at him. “You can totally buy me dinner.”

The room was too hot. Or his ears were on fire. Either way he looked away. “I didn’t mean it like that.”

Shepard chuckled and nudged his elbow with his own before looking at the screen as the actual previews started. A few more people filed into the room, filling it with soft conversation.

“So,” Shepard said conversationally, a few minutes later, “are you coming back to my place or am I taking you home?”

Kaidan chewed on his lower lip. “I should… I should probably get home.”

“Okay,” Shepard replied. “Your place it is.”

Kaidan got to his feet. “I’m gonna go to the bathroom before the movie starts.”

“Alright, sounds good.”

He moved to walk down the stairs but inevitably tripped over _something_ – probably his own feet, he was kind of clumsy – and staggered. He would have went tumbling down the stairs, face first, if not for the warm arms which suddenly wrapped around his middle, tugging him back into an equally warm and solid body.

The adrenaline still rushing through his body from the near-miss with the stairs left him momentarily unaware that he was sitting in Shepard’s lap, and that his fingers were semi-clutching the fabric beneath him, his heart still racing in his chest.

“You okay?” Shepard asked, and suddenly Kaidan was all too aware of how close they were.

“Um,” he said, swallowing. “Yeah, I’m… I’m fine. Thanks.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah, I’m… I’m okay.”

“Okay,” Shepard said, but made no move to release him. Kaidan was shocked he hadn’t been pushed away yet, and was equally shocked that his own feet didn’t seem to feel the urge to lift him and get him away and back to his own seat.

The lights dimmed, the previews over. He was suddenly very aware of Shepard’s breath on his neck, warm yet ticklish, sending shivers coursing through his body. Shepard’s hands were warm on his hips, lightly holding him to his own body, yet not forcefully so. Kaidan could move any time. His feet, however, didn’t feel like working, and as the seconds ticked by, it just felt awkward to move by this point.

_C’mon. Get up. This is awkward. What if someone sees you?_

Unlikely, he decided. The others who were in this room – three people, all in one group – were seated near the front of the theater, their gazes focused on the screen rather than behind them, all the way in the back. They were safe from prying eyes.

Shepard shifted somewhat beneath him. He took a breath, ready to catch himself should he suddenly be thrown off – after all, this was very awkward and he had no idea what to do or what to expect – but instead of being pushed away, those hands slid a little more around his hips, toward his stomach, and the lap in which he sat didn’t feel so boney, knee caps no longer sticking into his thighs.

_Oh, God. Move. Get up._

“Kaidan,” Shepard breathed quietly, his voice this odd, hushed tone which sent more chills crawling up his spine, “I-”

Kaidan pushed to his feet. “Sorry,” he said quickly. “I just, um… I’m sorry. Sorry. I… I’m gonna…”

Then he bolted down the stairs because he had absolutely no idea what else to do, and this was just so _awkward_. He couldn’t believe he sat there like that, couldn’t believe Shepard _let_ him.

_Why? Why did he let me?_

He pushed out of the theater room and down the hallway, toward the bathroom which had previously been his desired location. He felt much as he had the last time they’d been here, with Kevin, when he fled the movie to hide in the bathroom, so to speak. Shepard found him there. Perhaps this was too predictable, but he didn’t know where else to go. Shepard had the keys to the car and it was too far to walk. On a school night, anyway. It would take too long to walk home.

But he didn’t know what else to do.

So he hid in the bathroom, all thoughts of actually _using_ the bathroom forgotten. He splashed water on his face, standing over the sink, wondering why he was so damn worked up.

So he tripped; big deal. He was clumsy. Oh well. So Shepard caught him; oh freaking well. That was what friends did. So he sat on his lap for a minute; awkward, but not really that bad. He had been caught and had been startled at nearly falling. Faltering for a minute, and not moving, was completely natural. It was _fine_.

Except he lingered. And he didn’t know _why_.

 

“We’ve got to stop meeting like this.”

Kaidan took in a stilted breath and closed his eyes. Shepard approached him, in the back corner of the bathroom, sitting between the wall and the sink, mostly away from prying eyes but his legs gave him away as he was unable to hide them.

He wasn’t sure how long it’d been since he fled to the bathroom. He didn’t really care to know.

Shepard sighed, stopping in front of him. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine.”

“Kaidan.”

“I’m _fine_. Sorry. I didn’t mean… I’m okay.”

“You don’t have to lie to me, you know,” Shepard said quietly.

“I’m not lying.”

“Okay,” Shepard said easily, “okay, you’re not lying. You’re fine. Why are you hiding in the bathroom?”

“Because.”

“Why? You’ve been in here for fifteen minutes.”

_Feels like longer._

“So go back to the movie,” he said, keeping his eyes closed because he didn’t want to _deal_ with this right now. He didn’t know what to say, or what to do, didn’t know if anything was even appropriate. Didn’t know if he had to apologize or if he was just overreacting. After all, Shepard hadn’t seemed to mind when he was sitting on his lap. He could still feel the ghost of hands against his hips.

Shepard’s shoes squeaked as they stuck to the bathroom floor as he walked past Kaidan, leaning against the wall. “I’m sorry.”

“Sorry?” Kaidan echoed, frowning, opening his eyes but keeping his head bowed.

“I shouldn’t have, um… I shouldn’t have grabbed you.”

“You stopped me from falling on my face.”

“Yeah,” Shepard said quietly. “Yeah, but, um… I’m just… sorry. I was… out of line.”

“Out of line?”

“You’re not making this very easy.”

_How am I not making this easy? Why are you apologizing? How were you out of line?_

Did he regret stopping Kaidan from falling? Was he angry about sitting on his lap?

He took a breath. If Shepard didn’t want to be here, if he was angry or regretted helping him, he needed to leave. He couldn’t do this right now. “Go away,” he said quietly, voice muffled by his knees which were pulled up to his chest much as they had been the last time he’d hid away in the bathroom.

“Kaidan?”

“Go away,” he said a little louder, closing his eyes again.

“You… want me to leave?”

“Go away.”

Shepard took in a breath, releasing it slowly, pushing away from the wall, shoes squeaking. “I’m sorry, okay?”

“Go away.”

He had no reason to apologize. If he was taunting Kaidan, that was cruel. Taunting him by continuously apologizing, for regretting helping him, keeping him from falling. Cruel and he just wanted him to go away. He’d be okay if he just went away. He’d be okay in a little bit, he just needed some space. Time to collect and compose himself. It was how it always was; he hid away somewhere and did whatever it took to collect himself enough to be around people, be it his family or people at school, especially after _it_ happened.

So if Shepard just went away, he’d be fine.

“Kaidan…”

“I didn’t mean to sit on your lap,” he blurted without meaning to, instantly snapping his mouth shut, cursing himself.

“It’s okay,” Shepard said, “I made-”

“I didn’t want to. I just fell. I’m sorry.”

“I… Okay,” Shepard said, this breathy tone to his voice. “Okay. You didn’t want to. I know. I’m sorry.”

“Just… please go away.” He couldn’t do this right now.

“Kaidan?”

“Just… leave me alone.”

 _Please_.

Shepard’s next breath was a little shaky. “Okay,” he said, tone _off_ though he wasn’t sure how or why, but couldn’t bring himself to look up. “Okay, I’ll just… Yeah. I’ll… I’ll be in the car whenever you… want me to take you home. Or you can call for a ride. I just… Yeah. I’m sorry. I’ll… go.”

Shepard’s footsteps halted a few feet from him, lingering, before they continued toward the door and out of the bathroom.

 

Kaidan composed himself twenty minutes later, but only because he knew Shepard was waiting for him in the car. Keeping him waiting was rude, especially when he was the one who was in the wrong. Unless Shepard really did regret helping him. In which case, he didn’t know what to think, because friends didn’t do that. They didn’t let someone fall flat on their face.

Shepard remained quiet as Kaidan sat in the passenger seat. He keyed the engine and pulled out of the parking lot before Kaidan even had his seatbelt on yet.

The air was stuffy and thick, tension heavy with every breath. His back ached it was so stiff as he looked out the passenger window, keeping his head turned away from looking at the driver’s seat.

Several minutes passed like this.

Finally Shepard sighed. “I’m sorry.”

Kaidan took in a breath and remained silent.

“I just, um… I was out of line,” Shepard said again, though it still didn’t make any sense. “I’m sorry. I acted without thinking. I won’t… It won’t happen again.”

_What won’t? Helping me?_

“So are we good?” Shepard asked quietly.

Kaidan took in a breath.

“I just… I want things to be okay between us. Okay? Tell me what I can do to fix it.”

_Fix it?_

He hadn’t been aware anything was really broken. Awkward, yes, and full of tension, but broken? Had he really ruined things that badly?

_Fix this._

If he let their friendship end over something stupid he’d never forgive himself. Even if he still had no idea what Shepard was apologizing for. If he meant from keeping him from falling, why still want to be friends? It made no sense, so Kaidan hoped it was something else. Hoped he didn’t want him to fall, but that still left the unanswered question of why Shepard was apologizing.

“Kaidan?”

His voice was hesitant.

“We’re good,” Kaidan said. “Nothing to fix. I just… sorry.”

Shepard released a breath. “It won’t happen again.”

“You didn’t want me to fall, right?”

“What? No, of course not! You’re my friend.”

Kaidan released a breath he hadn’t known he’d been holding. “Okay,” he said. “Then we’re good.”

He didn’t relax until Shepard sighed and started humming a few minutes later, when they were almost to his house.

They pulled up to his house a few minutes after that, and Shepard kept the car running while Kaidan unbuckled his seatbelt, finally glancing over at the driver’s seat and its occupant.

“Thanks for, um… For laser tag, and… and the movie,” he said quietly. “Sorry I ruined it.”

Shepard’s smile was… _something_. Something he didn’t like. “Don’t worry about it,” he said, “you didn’t ruin anything. I’ll talk to you tomorrow, okay?”

Kaidan took in a breath and nodded. “Okay,” he said. “I’ll just, uh…” He climbed out of the car.

“Bye, Kaidan.”


	13. Chapter Thirteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter's kind of short and ramble-y. I was really tired while writing it, so XD Also, since all of these chapters keep being short, there will probably be more than 24 chapters, though I'm not sure how many more. So, yeah ;)

Chapter Thirteen

 

Kaidan didn’t sleep very well that night. He blamed it on the couch, and woke more tired than when he went to sleep. Nevertheless he got ready for school and made sure he was on time for the bus.

The bus ride was uneventful, filled with quiet chatter from other students while he sat on a seat alone, as per usual. They arrived at the school five minutes late and they filed out of the bus and into the hallways.

He spent more time at his locker than he intended, and then hurried to class. Shepard was already there, in their usual spot, but he didn’t call out a greeting to Kaidan when he entered the room like he usually did. Instead he was scribbling in a notebook, his Chemistry book open on his desk. Kaidan vaguely remembered they had homework over the weekend. He’d done it on Friday.

“Hey,” Kaidan said quietly, taking his usual seat.

“Hey,” Shepard replied, not looking up from the notepad, which really wasn’t like him. He usually greeted him with a smile. The sudden change in their routine left him a little off-balance and momentarily speechless.

“I can help if you want,” he offered.

“No thanks,” Shepard said. “This is easy.”

“Easy?” Kaidan echoed, frowning. “I thought you needed help?”

Shepard chuckled, not looking up from the notepad and book. “I lied.”

“Lied?” Kaidan asked, confused. Why would he lie about needing help? “Why?”

“You’re a good tutor,” Shepard replied absently, quickly writing out the equations.

“Why lie? If you know how to do everything.”

Shepard shrugged. “Seemed like a good idea at the time.”

“Why?”

Shepard sighed. It was this tired, breathy sound he didn’t really like. “If you have to ask, then you’ll never know.”

“What’s that mean?”

He didn’t get an answer this time. Just the sound of Shepard’s pencil scratching across the paper.

“Shepard?”

“Class is about to start,” Shepard said, closing his book and tucking it away in his backpack. The one-minute bell rang and more people filed into the classroom.

Kaidan watched him for a moment, frowning, because Shepard had yet to look at him. Yet to look at him, yet to look away from the notepad on his desk, yet to smile. That was probably what got to him the most; the lack of a smile. The lack of something he hadn’t known he’d been looking forward to every day.

“Are you mad?” he asked quietly.

“No, Kaidan,” Shepard said. “I’m not mad.”

“Because I’m sorry, if you are.”

“I’m not mad.”

Kaidan watched him for a moment, frowning as he looked him over. Nothing really seemed out of the ordinary except for the fact Shepard wouldn’t meet his eye, which really wasn’t like him. It wasn’t like what Kaidan had come to associate with him, in their morning ritual.

“Are you mad at me?”

“I’m not mad, Kaidan.”

He took a breath. “Then-”

The final bell rang and the teacher entered the room, effectively silencing him as he glanced toward the front of the room. Upon looking back at Shepard he found his gaze firmly planted on the teacher, pencil still held lightly in his grip.

They didn’t talk again the rest of the period.

 

They shared fourth period together as well. He couldn’t decide what was worse – the fact he disliked Trigonometry, or the fact Shepard still wouldn’t meet his eye, and still wouldn’t talk to him, gaze focused on the teacher or down at his textbook.

He hoped things would be different at lunch. Shepard seemed to be in good spirits, talking to Garrus as Kaidan approached, and that light tone of voice remained as he sat down. There was even a smile on his face and Kaidan felt himself relax, pulling his lunch out.

“So, Kaidan, are you going to Drama Club today?”

The question was familiar and typical, but not who it came from. Not Shepard as usual, but Garrus, looking at him.

“I guess,” he said.

Shepard was currently laughing at something the guy across the table said. Kaidan could never remember his name. But at least Shepard wasn’t being so… what? Focused on the teacher, on homework? So… unlike himself? Yeah, go with that. At least he wasn’t being so unlike himself anymore, and so Kaidan took a bite of his sandwich and relaxed into his chair.

Shepard got up, probably to return his tray which had held a salad today. When he returned he had an ice cream cone, and Kaidan stared at him for a long moment. He wasn’t sure why that bothered him until he realized Shepard usually demanded that he go with him to get the ice cream cone.

He tried not to let it bother him, because why would it? It was just a stupid, silly ritual. It didn’t mean anything. He probably went to get it himself because Kaidan was still eating. Usually he waited, but he didn’t this time. That was okay. Nothing wrong with that.

Why, then, did it leave him staring down at his sandwich, appetite forgotten?

 

Drama Club was usually entertaining, and left him feeling better than the rest of the school day or going home, but today was different. He could blame it on the fact Ashely had them all doing separate skits in a week and put them in groups, and Shepard and Tali were in a group while he and Garrus were in a group, along with two others each group.

So he could blame it on that. And not on the fact that when they _did_ pass each other by, Shepard still wouldn’t look at him. There was this terrible feeling clenching at his chest, like he’d done something wrong that he didn’t know how to fix. He hadn’t felt like that in a while, he realized. Pretty much ever since they moved and he joined this school. Why that was, was a mystery to him.

“Kaidan.”

Kaidan stiffened at the voice and turned to find Shepard standing next to him, but he still wasn’t looking him in the eye. “Hey,” he breathed.

“I can take you home. If you want. Or whatever.”

“That’s great,” Kaidan said. “If you want to, I mean.”

He hadn’t realized he’d needed to ask, he realized. Shepard always took him home after Drama Club. He hadn’t realized that had changed.

That feeling in his chest tightened even as he got to his feet, Shepard leading the way toward the door. They picked up their backpacks and left the room.

It was raining when they left the building and entered the parking lot. Kaidan pulled up his hood while Shepard did the same next to him. There was this uncomfortable silence surrounding him that he didn’t know how to fix. Breaking it would make it more uncomfortable, he was sure. Saying nothing would do the same.

They climbed into Shepard’s car and put on their seatbelts before pulling out of the parking lot and onto the road.

It was getting dark earlier now, and today was no exception. It was only five in the afternoon and yet the sun was setting rapidly in the distance, the sky foggy and gray despite the odd glow of different colors cascading over the ground due to the sun’s rays. Rain pelted the windows, the windshield wipers wiping the drops away only for them to be replaced immediately.

Not a word was spoken. The radio wasn’t on. There was only this silence which made that _something_ in his chest hurt more.

“Are you mad at me?” he found himself asking again.

“I told you, I’m not mad,” Shepard sighed.

“Then… Then why are you acting like you are?”

“I’m not mad, Kaidan.”

He took in a breath and glanced at Shepard. His gaze was focused solely on the road ahead, posture somewhat rigid.

“If I did something wrong,” he said quietly, “I’m sorry.”

Shepard shook his head. “You didn’t do anything, Kaidan.”

“So we’re good?”

“We’re great.”

Somehow that didn’t feel like the truth. They weren’t great, because Shepard wouldn’t even look at him, and he didn’t like this sudden _distance_ between them. It had never been there before, even when they first met. Shepard always made him feel welcome; now he was this closed off door in his face and he had no idea where he put the key.

“We can go eat if you want,” Kaidan offered quietly. “I have money.”

Shepard shook his head.

“I owe you dinner, remember?”

_C’mon. Let me fix it._

Shepard gave into this breathy laugh. “Alright, Kaidan. You can buy me dinner. I want a milkshake.”

Kaidan’s sigh was one of relief, his back relaxing into the seat, no longer aching so much. “I can deal with that.”

“Alright, then.”

They drove in silence until they got to their usual place and entered the restaurant. They took their usual seat, and ordered their usual, except for Shepard’s drink he got a vanilla milkshake instead of a soda.

Kaidan itched to talk about something, anything, but didn’t know what. He didn’t like this silence.

“So, um… did you finish your Chemistry homework before class?”

“Yep,” Shepard said.

He took in a breath. “So, um… why did you lie about needing to be tutored?”

“Kaidan,” Shepard sighed, “can we talk about something else, please.”

“Oh, okay. What… What do you want to talk about?”

_And would you look at me?_

Shepard’s gaze focused out the window, at the rain running in small rivulets down the glass.

“I don’t care,” Shepard answered.

“Okay then… Um… How’s Sam?”

An easy topic, nothing personal. Easy.

“He’s fine,” Shepard said. “Asked out this girl at school so now he won’t shut up about her. It’s kind of irritating.”

“What’s her name?”

“Kelly. She’s nice enough.”

“You’ve met her?”

“Once. Took them to the movies.”

And then they lapsed into silence. Kaidan remembered their last attempt at the movies, last night, and took in a few deep breaths. Maybe that was what Shepard was mad about. Maybe he was mad at him for lingering there, on his lap, when he should have thanked him and moved away. Or angry at him for hiding in the bathroom. Or for making him waste money on a movie they didn’t see.

“We can try the movies again,” he offered. “I’ll pay.”

“That’s okay.”

Kaidan released a breath. “Are you sure you’re not mad at me?”

“I’m not mad.”

“You seem like you are.”

“Why would you think that?”

“Because you won’t even look at me!” Kaidan snapped, not meaning to do so but nevertheless, the words tumbled out of his mouth. Shepard’s head snapped toward him, then, his eyes finally – _finally_ – looking at him.

“Kaidan…”

“I’m sorry,” Kaidan said. “If I did something wrong, I’m sorry. Just… Just don’t…” _Hate me. Don’t hate me._

Shepard’s gaze softened. It was this familiar look he hadn’t realized he’d missed. “I’m not mad at you, Kaidan. I promise. I’m mad at myself.”

“Why?”

Shepard took in a breath, gaze skittering away. “You’re not that dense, Kaidan.”

“What?”

_What’s that even mean?_

He didn’t get an answer, as the waitress chose that time to walk over and give Shepard his milkshake. Further conversation was halted as he drank that, and by the time he was nearly done with it, their food arrived.

 

“I’m not dense,” Kaidan said as they pulled out of the restaurant parking lot.

Shepard sighed. “You kind of are. But that’s okay. I like that about you.”

_Well, at least he doesn’t hate it. But I’m not dense._

“What am I dense about?”

“A lot of things.”

“You’re not making this very easy.”

Shepard’s laugh wasn’t very happy sounding. “Sorry.”

“Are you sure you’re not mad at me?”

“I’m not mad, dammit. Stop asking me that,” Shepard said, a scowl crossing his face. “And anyway, we’re here.”

Kaidan looked out the window as the car came to a stop. They were at his house. He knew he should get out, but his legs decided not to move for the time being. He glanced back at Shepard to find he was finally looking at him again, and even offering a small smile.

“I’ll talk to you later, okay?”

Kaidan nodded. “Yeah, okay. Are you…”

“Later, Kaidan. Thanks for dinner.”

“I was paying you back.”

That was all; no need to thank him.

Shepard’s smile was small and heavy. “Yeah, I know.”

“What’s wrong?” Kaidan asked.

“Nothing, Kaidan.”

“Why are you lying to me?”

Shepard didn’t like it when he lied to him; so why was he being such a hypocrite? It didn’t make any sense. If he was angry with Kaidan he needed to just come out and say it, because otherwise Kaidan couldn’t apologize and fix it, whatever it was.

“I’m not lying.”

Kaidan sighed and shook his head. “Whatever,” he muttered, getting out of the car. “If you don’t want to tell me, fine.”

_Why are you being snippy now?_

He didn’t really know. This whole situation just irked him and he didn’t know what to do about it.

“It’s not like that, Kaidan,” Shepard said quietly.

“Then what’s it like?”

“If you have to ask, then-”

“Then I’ll never know?” Kaidan echoed his words from earlier, which were still so confusing to him. “What’s that even mean?”

“Kaidan, you’re gonna catch a cold. We’ll talk later, okay?”

“But-”

Shepard smiled. “I promise. But you don’t need to be getting sick just because you’re stubborn. Later, Kaidan.”

“Yeah,” Kaidan breathed, shutting the car door. “Later.”


	14. Chapter Fourteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is slightly longer than the last one... back into the normal range for this story which is like 2.7k. Oh well, short chapters XD Anyway kind of nervous about this chapter but meh. Let me know what you think :)
> 
> Also, the song I've literally been listening to the whole time I've been writing this story: "Don't You Dare Forget the Sun" by Get Scared. It's just SO DAMN CATCHY and kinda angsty and gahhhh you should listen to it if you haven't yet ;)

Chapter Fourteen

 

After the cold distance between them on Monday, he didn’t expect bright smiles the next day, but that was what he got. It was like yesterday didn’t even happen as he walked into the classroom on Tuesday. Shepard waved at him from the back of the class, smiling at him, and something inside of him unclenched as he walked toward his usual seat.

This continued throughout the day; their easy conversations, the smiles, and of course looking each other in the eye. Whatever was wrong with him the day before seemed to be gone, and Kaidan breathed a little easier. That didn’t mean he didn’t wonder about it, if Shepard was mad at him even though he said he wasn’t. He still wondered why Shepard lied to him about needing help in Chemistry, and why he called him dense. He still had a lot of questions, but didn’t ask them in case they stopped their easy conversations and everything at the moment.

Currently they were in Shepard’s car, Shepard driving Kaidan home as he did sometimes. More often than not, Kaidan realized. He’d have to start compensating him with gas money. He’d need to get a job as well. If Shepard worked he never mentioned it, but he must have, if he had all that money to spend on laser tag, dinner and movies.

As Shepard stopped at his house, Kaidan suddenly realized he didn’t really want to get out of the car. Either because he enjoyed their easy atmosphere at the moment or because his room still wasn’t his, he wasn’t sure. Either way he glanced over at Shepard to find blue eyes watching him closely.

“I got a new deck of cards,” he said.

Shepard smirked. “Are you trying to bribe me into staying?”

“Is it working?”

“Maybe,” Shepard said, taking the key from the ignition, and Kaidan released a breath he hadn’t known he’d been holding.

The two climbed out of the car and walked up the porch steps, into the house. Kaidan listened for a minute, checking out the window to make sure no other cars were here, before he smiled, glancing at Shepard.

“We’re the only one’s here.”

If Rahna was here she was usually in the kitchen until anyone else got there; then she went to her room. Kaidan no longer had that option, as Kevin was staying in his room, but Kevin’s car wasn’t here. Neither were his parents’.

Shepard smirked at him. “So happy to be alone, huh?”

Kaidan shrugged.

“So what’s this about a new deck?”

“Oh, right. We can play in the kitchen if you want.”

Shepard shrugged, walking in the direction of the kitchen. Kaidan moved toward the side of the living room, where he’d deposited the cards when he got them a few days ago, before laser tag and the movies and everything. Everything he wanted to remember and also wanted to forget. Strange how life happened like that.

He grabbed the cards, the deck never having been open, and took them to the kitchen. He found Shepard sitting at the table, with two Sprites sitting on it. Kaidan sat and pulled his Sprite toward him while he handed the deck to Shepard.

“You’ll have to open it,” he said. “I don’t know where the scissors are.”

Shepard smirked and shook his head, easily tearing through the light packaging, freeing the deck. Then he shuffled them a few times, attempting to break them in, before he began dealing. A comfortable silence wrapped around them like a familiar, missed friend and Kaidan relaxed in his chair, gaze flickering momentarily to Shepard whose gaze was firmly fixed on his cards, before he sighed and look back down at his own hand.

“You wanna start?”

Kaidan shrugged. “Got any twos?”

“Dammit.” Shepard tossed over a two.

“Sevens?”

“Go fish,” Shepard told him.

Kaidan snagged a card from the deck and settled back in his chair.

“Got any nines?”

He sighed and handed two nines to Shepard.

“Awesome,” Shepard said with a grin, tucking the cards away. “How about fours?”

“Go fish.”

“Dammit.” He grabbed a card.

“Fives,” Kaidan said.

“Go fish,” Shepard said.

Kaidan took a card. “So… how… are you?”

Shepard chuckled. “You sound so awkward.”

“Sorry,” he said, ears burning somewhat. “I just, um… You…”

“Yes?” Shepard asked, looking at him, smirking.

He sighed and shook his head. “Nothing, never mind. Um, your turn.”

“Sixes,” Shepard said. “And you’re not getting off that easily. I what?”

Kaidan took in a breath, tossing over a six. “You make me kind of nervous.”

Shepard blinked at him for a moment, not even bothering to pick up the discarded six. “I make you nervous?”

“Kind of.”

“How’s that possible?” Shepard asked.

“I don’t know. You just… do.”

He wasn’t sure where this conversation came from, but it was true. Shepard did kind of make him nervous, made him trip over his words sometimes, and he didn’t know why. Didn’t know how he could both enjoy their conversations as much as he almost dreaded them. But not a bad kind of dread – he missed it yesterday, when-

“So what was wrong with you yesterday?” Kaidan asked. “And don’t forget your six.”

Shepard fingers easily plucked the card from the tabletop. “Nothing. I told you, I was fine.”

“You were… You weren’t being yourself.”

Shepard looked at him, blue eyes searching, scanning over his face, lingering. “And what would you know about that?”

The question wasn’t snapped, or rude, or anything but inquiring. A curious inquiry, that was it, and Kaidan nearly dropped his cards, fumbling to keep them in his grasp.

“Um,” he said.

Shepard chuckled and sat back in his chair. “Kidding. Got any kings?”

“Go fish,” Kaidan managed to say.

They played in relative silence for the next few minutes.

“So,” he said, breaking it, “what was up with yesterday?”

Shepard’s gaze skittered toward the tabletop. “Nothing, Kaidan. Your turn.”

“Shepard.”

“Nothing. I’m not mad at you.”

“You said you were mad at yourself,” Kaidan said, remembering Shepard’s words from yesterday. “What did you mean?”

“Nothing. Your turn.”

Kaidan sighed, frowning at him. “I’m just trying to help,” he said quietly.

“I know,” Shepard said. “And I appreciate it, but it’s something you can’t really help with.”

“So you admit it’s something.” His satisfaction that Shepard finally admitted there was something wrong was short lived. “What do you mean I can’t help?”

Shepard shook his head. “Nothing, Kaidan.”

“Stop saying that,” he all but snapped. “You can’t tell me something’s wrong and then not expect me to ask questions.”

Shepard sighed, dropped his cards onto the table and pushed to his feet. “I should go,” he said, gaze averting to the ground as he began to walk away from the table.

_Wait, what? Why?_

“Wait,” Kaidan said, jumping up after him. “You, um… You don’t have to go. I’ll be quiet.”

Why he was so eager to have Shepard stay was beyond him, but he felt like if he let him walk away now he’d regret it later. _Why_ this was, was still a mystery. Even so, he all but chased him to the front door, where Shepard was already reaching for the handle.

“Wait,” he said again, grabbing Shepard’s shoulder, tugging him away from the door. It was the most physical move he could remember making in a while. “I… You don’t have to go.”

“I think it’s best if I do,” Shepard said quietly.

“Look at me.”

Shepard sighed and dragged his gaze off the floor to meet his eyes. His gaze was soft yet guarded and Kaidan hated it.

“What did I do?” he asked. “I’m sorry. I won’t ask questions.”

“Thanks for humoring me,” Shepard said, shaking his head, easily pulling free of his suddenly light grip. “But I think I should go, Kaidan. It’s hard to…” He sighed, shaking his head again as he turned away, his back now to Kaidan as he faced the door again, though he was a few steps away from it now. “It’s a little hard to concentrate when you’re around.”

“Hard to…? What’s that mean?” Kaidan asked.

“You’re kind of distracting.”

“I… I’m sorry.”

“It’s not a bad thing,” Shepard said, but his shoulders were stiff so Kaidan wondered if he was lying. “Just something I’ve noticed. I’ll see you at school tomorrow, okay?”

“Shepard, dammit, wait,” Kaidan said, snagging his shoulder again, irritation flaring through him. “What’s going on with you? If… If it’s because of what happened at the movies…” Shepard’s shoulders stiffened further, leaving Kaidan’s own spine to snap taut. “Then I’m sorry,” he continued. “I’m sorry for… for falling on you. I’m sorry I… I didn’t get up immediately. Okay? Is… Is that what you want to hear?”

“Kaidan,” Shepard said, voice this breathy echo, full of _something_ he didn’t particularly like. “I need to go.”

“But-”

“Kaidan. Let me go.”

It was then he realized his fingers were tangled in Shepard’s jacket, above his shoulder, lightly tugging him back, Shepard leaning away from him, attempting to step toward the door. Kaidan knew if he let him walk away, walk out of the house, he’d regret it and everything would change again, though he wasn’t sure how. He didn’t really want to find out.

So instead of letting go like Shepard asked, he instead tightened his grip and pulled, spinning Shepard around until the two were facing each other, only a few inches separating them now. He accidentally made Shepard trip on his feet and stagger toward him, Kaidan’s free hand landing on his chest, keeping the two of them from colliding, and thus they nearly occupied the same space. He could feel Shepard’s breath across his face.

“Kaidan,” Shepard said, a different kind of breathy quality to his voice this time, blue eyes snapping away from him, “I should go.”

“But…”

_I don’t really want you to go._

The thought surprised him, momentarily stealing the breath from his lungs. He didn’t want Shepard to leave. Being alone right now just… didn’t feel right. Not after yesterday. Not after this past weekend. Not after he screwed everything up.

“You really don’t want me to stay,” Shepard whispered.

“What if I do?” Kaidan replied, voice just as quiet, gaze scanning over Shepard’s face.

Shepard’s eyes slid toward him, catching his own. “You don’t,” he breathed.

Kaidan’s fingers curled further into Shepard’s jacket with one hand, his other hand grasping at his shirt from where it rested on his chest, fingers lightly brushing against skin through the thin fabric.

_What are you doing? Let go. Let him leave if he wants to._

Except he couldn’t. Because… no. He couldn’t. Even if he wanted to, his hands wouldn’t let go and his body wouldn’t shift away. Except he didn’t want to.

_Why? Why don’t I want to let go?_

Because Shepard would flee. And it would be like yesterday all over again.

“Stay,” he said. “We can… We can finish our game, and… and I’ll be quiet.”

“Kaidan,” Shepard sighed, dropping his head forward tiredly, forehead suddenly resting against Kaidan’s, Shepard’s eyes closing. “You’re really dense.”

“I’m not dense, I’m just… Are you okay?”

Perhaps he was sick. Maybe that was why he acted strangely yesterday. Maybe that was the _something_ Kaidan couldn’t help with.

“Let me go, Kaidan.”

“I don’t… Why?”

“Because…” Shepard released a breath, sucking in another sharp one. “You won’t like what happens if you don’t.”

A chill inched up his spine in the same way it had when Shepard said ‘ _persuasive_ ’ at lunch when they first met. He still didn’t know why, but it had something to do with that tone. That breathy, _something_ tone.

“Why wouldn’t… I like it?” he asked, brain still confused because _why does that tone bother me like this_.

“Let go, okay?”

“Why wouldn’t I like it?” Kaidan repeated, a little shocked neither of them had moved by this point. “What does that even mean?”

Shockingly, though, he found he had no real desire to move. Maybe because Shepard was practically leaning against him, foreheads connected, the only thing separating them Kaidan’s hand on his chest, lightly pushing and yet also pulling. Pulling him away from the door, pushing him away from him.

“I don’t have the best restraint, okay?”

“Restraint?”

Blue eyes snapped open. He had to cross his eyes to see them. Hands that were not his own were suddenly touching him, lightly pressing against his sides, resting over the curve of his hips, and his breath momentarily caught in his throat, his mind flashing back to the movies. Unconsciously his fingers curled more into Shepard’s jacket and shirt.

“Sh-Shepard,” he all but stammered, “what are… What are you doing?”

“I don’t have the best restraint, Kaidan. Let me go.”

Those hands that were not his own tightened, heavy on his hips and that goddamn _chill_ crawled up his spine again. Thumbs lightly trailed faint circles, tickling at the skin as much as they burned it, hot fire trailing in their wake.

“Let go, Kaidan,” Shepard said.

“I…”

Shepard’s head shifted, forehead lowering, their noses nearly touching now. His breaths were sharper than usual. Perhaps he really _was_ sick, except… Except it felt like his own breaths were getting a little more ragged too.

_What’s going on?_

“Last chance,” Shepard breathed, that goddamn breathy, sharp quality back to his voice, that goddamn _tone_. “Out of restraint.”

Another chill shot through him. “What does that even-”

His words were cut off by Shepard’s mouth solidly sealing over his own.

_Oh… Oh God. What’s he… He’s kissing you. What…?_

The kiss wasn’t comfortable or soft or anything like that. Kaidan had never been kissed before – on the cheek, sure, but romantically, like this, never – so he didn’t really have anything to compare it to, but it was a little painful. Their teeth knocked together, leaving his head ringing, his lips smashed between them. Shepard’s fingers were digging into his hips. Likewise Kaidan’s hand had all but pinched through Shepard’s shirt, probably pinching skin as well. His other hand was doing _something_ he hadn’t been aware of until now, slowly inching toward Shepard’s neck, fingers stretching around, doing _something_ like pulling him closer though that was completely _absurd_.

His mind finally caught up with him, then.

He uncurled his fingers and shoved, his other hand sliding away from that warm neck, the mouth that was not his own being ripped away as the body staggered away from him, and he took a step back, attempting to catch his breath because _what the hell just happened?_

“What… What was that?” he gasped.

“I… Kaidan, I’m _sorry_ ,” Shepard said, inching backward a step, eyes wide, cheeks this darkened color. Maybe that was just the bad lighting in the living room, though, none of the lights really on. “I’m sorry, I just… You… I…”

“What was that?” he repeated.

“I’m sorry,” Shepard breathed.

“Why’d you _kiss_ me?”

And yes, his mind was still reeling from that. Because _why would you do that?_

Except Shepard’s words swirled through his head then. About him being dense; telling him to let go because he was losing his restraint; hands on his hips, holding him there, both just now and at the movies; the rapid apology in the bathroom, wondering why Shepard was even apologizing…

“You… Do you… Do you _like_ me?”

Because now it made _sense_ , made sense in a way it hadn’t before, and Shepard’s eyes widened a little more if that was even possible, as he took another step back, his back nearly smacking into the doorknob.

“I…”

“Do you?”

“Yes,” Shepard breathed, and it was so sudden and so _not_ what Kaidan was expecting that he could do was _stare_.

“ _What_?”

“Yes,” Shepard repeated breathily. “I… I do. I’m sorry. It… It won’t happen again.”

“What…?”

“It… It’s okay,” Shepard said, “I know you don’t… You don’t feel the same, so I just… I know you… I know you don’t, so…”

Kaidan shook his head. “I… I don’t…?”

_I don’t what?_

Like him back. Like _that_?

He’d honestly never thought about it before. But now…

Shepard’s hand curled around the doorknob. “I’m sorry,” he said, his voice no longer so much breathy as it was a little shaky. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean… I’m sorry. It won’t happen again. I’ll just… I’ll go, and… And… Sorry.”

He tore the door open, then, and all but bolted, the door snapping shut behind him.

Kaidan stood there for a long moment, just staring at the door, at where Shepard previously stood, before he collected his thoughts and darted after him, because this was _crazy_ and if he let him leave now-

Shepard’s car sped down the street as Kaidan walked off the porch. All he could do was watch.


	15. Chapter Fifteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wasn't going to post this chapter. I was going to wait a day or so XD butttt meh whatever. I will go ahead and post it before I go to bed before I lose my nerve. I do adore comments :3 On any chapter hehe. Achem. It makes me update faster. Achem. Who said that? Not me. ;) Enjoy the chapter! And yay, it's a little longer! 3.1k :)

Chapter Fifteen

 

Kaidan didn’t go to school the next day, or the day after that. His stomach was honestly too upset, and his mom either knew something was amiss or she actually thought he was sick. In a way he was, because his stomach was so upset and he didn’t know _why_.

So he lay around for two days. He got his room back for two days, because as his mom said, _Kaidan’s sick so he needs his room, Kevin. You can sleep on the couch for a few nights._

Sometimes his mom was awesome. He hadn’t realized how great she was until now. Even so he knew he couldn’t hide forever. She’d probably make him go to school tomorrow, and he was too old to be hiding at home like this because of… what? A kiss. A freaking _kiss_.

Shepard liked him. He admitted it.

 _Liked_ him. _Kissed_ him.

He kissed him.

It was still hard to wrap his mind around that. He’d never particularly _liked_ anyone like that before. He’d had a few crushes – of course he did – but that was before _it_ happened and after _it_ happened none of that stuff really mattered anymore. He was fifteen at the time, only just beginning to really have _crushes_ like that on people, and by the time he thought _hey, maybe I can do this_ , things went to hell and _it_ happened, and he hadn’t had any such thoughts since then.

And now this.

 _This_.

He didn’t know what to do. Shepard apologized for it and fled. Fled because… what? Because Kaidan didn’t answer? Kaidan was still in shock at the time, because _why did he do that, where did that come from, oh god_ …

So he hid away for two days. Hid away and tried to think of what he was going to do when he saw Shepard when he went back to school, because there wasn’t any hiding from him then.

Shepard might ignore him; be as cold as he was on Monday. No looking him in the eye, no smiling, barely talking to him…

He didn’t want that, he realized.

Didn’t want that _at all_ , and yet he didn’t know what to say or how to _fix this_.

Shepard kissed him.

And Kaidan didn’t stop him.

He didn’t stop it from happening. Shepard gave him many opportunities to do so, warned him, told him to let him go or something was going to happen… and he didn’t. He didn’t let go. He just stood there, tempting him, and Shepard kissed him.

Because Shepard _liked_ him.

Liked him… in a way no one else had before.

Was there for him when no one else was.

And that meant a lot to Kaidan. Of course it did; Shepard was a great friend. His _best friend_. His best friend and he didn’t want anything to change between them. If he went to school tomorrow and found that cold door slamming in his face again… he wasn’t sure what he’d do. Wasn’t sure how to fix it or… or if he even _could_.

Could he fix this?

He honestly had no idea. He’d never been in this situation before. Never had to worry about _any_ of this before. This was why being in the background was so goddamn _easy_. So easy, without expectations, obligations, or anything like _this_. Without feeling like _this_ , with his stomach so goddamn upset…

Maybe Shepard _had_ been sick and he gave his bug to Kaidan. Except that didn’t seem very likely. Because he _kissed_ him.

 

His mom let him stay home the rest of the week, to his surprise. Probably because he never asked to get out of school, because usually school was his freedom, his break from home. So she either knew this and let him stay home out of pity, or she really did think he was still sick. He didn’t have a fever, just complained of a stomach ache and stayed up in his room the whole time. When he came downstairs his dad tossed him a few looks, probably demanding that he go to school the next day, but thankfully his mom was on his side.

And now it was Friday. Friday and he could relax because he didn’t have to worry about school for a few days. Kevin was still sleeping on the couch, too, and either didn’t care about sleeping there or was keeping quiet because his mom said something to him, but either way he was grateful he wasn’t interrupted in his room. He could use some time alone.

Time alone like he used to have all the time. Now, he realized, he tended to spend his free hours with Shepard, or doing homework. He didn’t have homework right now, though, because he hadn’t been to school. And he wasn’t hanging out with Shepard because…

Because he hadn’t spoken to him since the kiss. Since Shepard fled his house and Kaidan watched him go. Since his stomach became perpetually upset.

No one was home right now, thankfully, so he edged his way out of his room and downstairs. Kevin and Rahna were at school and his parents were at work. It was one of those rare times when he was completely alone these days.

Except instead of enjoying it like before – being alone meant no pestering questions or looks or _why can’t you just be like your sister, Kaidan_ – he instead despised it. Hated it. Wished he could leave it behind because it felt _wrong_ , because he hadn’t felt like this since before he moved here. Since before…

Before he met Shepard. Shepard made him feel like he belonged. His first friend, his real friend, in so long.

And Kaidan might have just ruined everything. All because he didn’t answer, and watched him go. Because he always messed everything up.

 _I’m sorry_.

He wanted to apologize, but couldn’t bring himself to pick up the phone and call Shepard’s cell. Was afraid to because Shepard might answer. Was more afraid because Shepard might ignore his call, or worse, answer and then hang up on him. So he didn’t try to call. If he was going to fix this, he didn’t really want to do it in a phone call anyway, right?

He was just entering the kitchen when there was a knock at the door. He frowned because people rarely came over during the day unless it was Rika’s friends, but Rika wasn’t home yet. He glanced at the clock and realized school was out by now but Rika was hanging with her friend, Julie, after school and wouldn’t be home until tonight or tomorrow, depending on if she stayed the night. He had no idea what Kevin was doing, like usual.

So who could be knocking? If it was his family they would just come in.

Sighing, he abandoned his attempts at getting a drink from the kitchen and padded across the ground in his socks and sweatpants, a baggy T-shirt resting atop his shoulders and stomach. He scrubbed a hand across his face and opened the door.

“Shepard,” he breathed, staring, because he certainly hadn’t been expecting to see _him_ of all people.

Shepard didn’t quite smile, but at least he met his eyes. “Hey, I… Um… I brought your homework.” He held out a stack of papers. “You missed an English test and there’s a Chemistry test next week over chapter 10.”

“Thanks,” Kaidan breathed, reaching out to take the papers. Their fingers brushed momentarily before Shepard retracted his hand and Kaidan almost dropped the papers.

Shepard turned to walk away again.

Kaidan stepped onto the porch, the ground a little damp beneath his feet. It had been raining on and off all day. “Wait,” he said.

“Talk to you later,” Shepard said, walking down the steps.

“Wait,” he said again, moving toward the steps, stepping in a puddle of water but he didn’t care. He’d deal with that later. “Dammit, I said wait.” His fingers curled around the hood of Shepard’s jacket, yanking him backward a step and to a halt.

“Kaidan, let go.”

“No,” Kaidan said. “We’re going to talk about this, dammit.”

“No,” Shepard said. “We’re not.” He turned, then, halfway facing him as his hand reached out and carefully extracted Kaidan’s fingers from his hood before Shepard’s fingers dropped his hand and he took a step away.

“Shepard, dammit, wait,” he growled, stepping after him.

“You’re going to ruin your socks.”

“Then wait,” Kaidan said. “We need to talk.”

“Nothing to talk about,” Shepard said, stopping next to his car. “Go back inside.”

“No.”

“Kaidan. You’re being ridiculous.”

“Then come in with me,” he said, and then paused because he hadn’t really meant to say that, watching as Shepard’s shoulders stiffened, his back to Kaidan, facing the hood of his car. “Come in with me and… and we’ll talk. Or… Or we won’t.”

“I gave you a copy of notes, and you have a paper due in two weeks.”

Irritation sparked through him. “Would you look at me?”

Shepard sighed and turned, slowly lifting his gaze to meet Kaidan’s. Those eyes weren’t bright like they usually were, but were dark with _something_ and he didn’t like it. At all.

“I’m sorry,” he said. “I… I’m sorry.”

Shepard frowned. “Why are you apologizing?”

“Because I… I don’t know how to fix this.”

_Let me fix this._

Shepard sighed, shaking his head, gaze softening somewhat. “You don’t have to fix anything, Kaidan. _I’m_ sorry. I shouldn’t have… You just… It’s hard to control myself around you sometimes.”

Kaidan sucked in a quick breath. “Because… Because you like me.”

“Yes,” Shepard said, averting his gaze again. “But don’t worry; I won’t act on it again. I’ll get over it.”

“Get over…?”

_Get over me?_

“It’s okay, Kaidan. We don’t have to do this. I’ll just… I’m gonna go now.”

And then he was walking away, around the front of his car, toward the driver’s side.

“Shepard,” he said, stepping toward the car, “wait. We need to talk.”

“Nothing to say,” Shepard said, prying open his door. “Talk to you later, Kaidan. Don’t forget about those tests and your paper.”

And then he ducked into his car and closed the door, and Kaidan watched him leave all over again.

 

His homework was easy enough to complete by Monday. He finished most of it by Sunday night, before dinner. Since he wasn’t ‘sick’ anymore Kevin got his room back even though it was _Kaidan’s_ room, but his brother _did_ offer to switch with him every other night, or every other week, whatever he wanted. That was thoughtful of him, at least.

Dinner was… not terrible, he decided. His dad didn’t really say anything snide for once, and his mother was happy to see he was ‘feeling better’. Rahna didn’t say much to him, but then she rarely did these days. Ever since _it_ happened. He could understand that, though; he wouldn’t look at him either, if he could help it. After all, it was _his_ fault, and-

_No. Stop. I can’t do this right now._

He barely made it through dinner without thinking about _it_ before he escaped to his room to finish his homework. Thinking about that instead of Shepard or _it_ was just so much easier.

He was halfway through his Chemistry homework when his door opened and Kevin entered.

“Hey,” his brother said quietly.

“Hey,” Kaidan echoed, closing his textbook, his homework sheet trapped in the pages, keeping his place. “Did you… need the room?”

“I’ll be going to bed in a few,” his brother said. “I can sleep on the couch, it’s fine. I actually like the couch.”

Kaidan stared at him. “I don’t like it.”

“Your bed’s too… It’s not sturdy enough.”

“… Are you saying my bed is too comfortable and soft?”

Kevin chuckled faintly. “Something like that.” He took in a breath, combing his fingers through his short dark hair. “So how are you, Kaidey?”

“Don’t call me that,” Kaidan sighed, mind momentarily flashing back to Shepard. “And I’m fine.”

“Are you sure? You’ve been sick. Except you haven’t.”

“Wha… Excuse me?”

Kevin chuckled. “You don’t have a cold; you’re not sick. But you’re avoiding school. Why?”

“I don’t…”

“You’ve always liked school,” Kevin said. “So why are you avoiding it like the plague?”

Kaidan sighed, sitting heavily on his bed, textbook forgotten next to him, weighing down against his thigh. “I don’t… Shepard’s mad at me.”

“Why?”

“I don’t…”

 _I can’t tell you that. Just… no_.

“Shepard…”

“Yes…?”

He sighed and shook his head. “Nothing. Never mind.”

“Kaidan,” his brother said quietly, “I know we haven’t… Things have been tense between us lately. I know that. And I know that’s my fault. I’m sorry. But I do care about you, okay?”

Kaidan looked away because _no_ , his eyes _weren’t_ stinging. They _weren’t_.

“Just because I left… doesn’t mean I stopped caring about you, Kaidey.”

“But… But I… It’s _my fault_ ,” he all but choked, clenching his eyes tightly closed as his fingers curled tightly into the covers beneath him. “It’s my fault, and… and I _should have_ …”

The bed weighed down next to him, on the opposite side of the text book. Arms pulled him into this hug, this familiar, warm hug from his childhood, where his big brother’s hugs could fix _anything_ because _it’s my job to take care of you, Kaidey, you’re my little brother. You’re only a year older than me! Yes but I’m still the big brother._

“It’s not your fault,” Kevin said quietly, holding Kaidan’s head to his chest, arms wrapped around him like this familiar, _warm_ blanket. “It’s not your fault, Kaidey. It was just bad luck. That’s all. You were a kid.”

“But I… It was my _job_ , and… and _she’s dead_ , and-”

“Shh,” Kevin soothed, hands rubbing these calming circles across his back, just like they had when he was little and fell and scraped his knee or stubbed his toe or got yelled at by their dad. “It’s not your fault.”

“That’s… That’s not what Rahna said,” he managed to say through those shaky, quick breaths which nearly left him doing this little, choppy hiccup.

“She’s wrong,” Kevin said. “She spoke in anger. She… She was upset. We all were. We… We all say things we don’t mean sometimes.”

“She… She _hates_ me.”

“She doesn’t,” Kevin told him softly. “She doesn’t hate you. No one does. No one blames you. It was just… Just bad luck. Wrong place, wrong time, that’s all. No one hates you.”

“Shepard does,” he said, unaware it was even on his mind until then, and he snapped his mouth shut afterward, squeezing his eyes tightly closed again, that wetness still stinging behind the closed lids.

“Why would you think that?”

“Because I… I messed up. I screwed everything up, and…”

_And he hates me. Like Rahna hates me. Like… Like I kind of…_

“And I don’t blame him,” he whispered. “I kind of… I kind of hate myself, too.”

“Kaidey,” his brother breathed, tightening the hug. “It’ll be okay. He doesn’t hate you. No one hates you.”

“How do you know?”

“Because you’re my brother, and no one could ever hate you,” Kevin said, hands still rubbing circles on his back. “If you and Shepard are fighting, you’ll work it out. He doesn’t hate you, I promise.”

Kaidan nodded even as he released a shaky breath.

“It’ll be okay; you’ll see.”

 

Crying – or, almost crying because he’d never admit to actually letting the tears fall – actually left him feeling a little better than he had before. It always felt like this _release_ after everything was so pent up he couldn’t take it anymore, and everything spilled out. Kevin soothed him for a while before Kaidan managed to tear away, and Kevin went downstairs to sleep on the couch after bidding him goodnight and saying _Shepard doesn’t hate you, you’ll work it out_.

He hoped that was the case.

Nevertheless he woke the next morning for school feeling a little better than he had the night before. It was the closest he and his brother had been in a long time. Years. Ever since _it_ …

He got ready for school and went downstairs, only just catching the bus.

The ride to school was quiet, everyone still sleepy and grouchy because it was Monday.

They arrived at the school on time and filed out of the bus. Kaidan went to his locker to deposit most of his books – they were heavy, lugging them around all at once – before he walked to his first period class. He stopped at the doorway, took a breath and steeled himself before he entered.

Shepard wasn’t there.

He wasn’t sure if that stab of _something_ he felt was relief or disappointment.

Either way he sighed and took his seat, the only one in the room so far.

Two minutes later Shepard entered, smiling as he talked on his phone. “Yeah, sounds good,” he was saying as he sat next to Kaidan, dropping his backpack on the ground at the chair’s feet. “You have no idea. But, yeah, that could work. … Oh, man, I love milkshakes.”

Kaidan frowned. What kind of conversation was this?

“Only if you’re paying,” Shepard said, before quietly laughing at what _whoever_ said in response. “Alright, cool, it’s a date.”

Kaidan’s frown deepened. He was suddenly very curious as to who was on the other end of that phone.

“Yes, it’ll be fine,” Shepard said, rolling his eyes, leaning back in his chair. “Have I ever lied to you before? … Oh, and I don’t dance. So keep that in mind. … Oh, God, no. You don’t want to see me dance; I don’t have two left feet, I have _no_ feet. It’s pretty terrible.”

_Who is he talking to?_

Not that it mattered, because it was none of his business.

“Okay, this is just getting awkward,” Shepard laughed. “I’m gonna go now, before you start putting terrible images in my head. Bye, man.”

He ended the call and pocketed his phone, still smirking as he turned his gaze toward Kaidan.

“Hey,” he said.

Kaidan relaxed a little. At least he wasn’t getting the silent treatment. “Hey,” he replied. “Um… who…?”

Shepard shook his head. “You don’t even want to know. The things I get myself into.” Except he was still smiling, so it couldn’t be that bad. Right? “Anyway, are you feeling better?”

“Yes,” Kaidan said.

“That’s good. You’re going to get slapped with that Chemistry test as soon as you enter class, by the way.”

“Yeah,” he sighed, “I know.”

Shepard shrugged, gaze turning to the front of the room as the one-minute bell rang. “We’re good, right?”

Kaidan took in a breath, that knot in his stomach unraveling. “Yes,” he said, “we’re good. You’re not mad at me?”

“Of course not,” Shepard said. “Not your fault. Oh, and don’t forget we have Drama Club tomorrow.”

“Right,” Kaidan said, relaxing further in his seat, “thanks for reminding me.”

“That’s what friends are for.”


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter's kind of slow and took forever to write. Mainly because I had a few pages written then my laptop froze and I lost those three pages and had to start over and I just didn't have the nerve to get through the boring part again XD So it took a while. Anyway, hope it still sounds okay :) And things will be explained.

Chapter Sixteen

 

Things went back to normal, for the most part, the rest of the week. Except Shepard disappeared during Drama Club and only reappeared when it was time to leave, and Kaidan assumed it was because he was practicing his skit with his partner, James. He could understand that; he himself was having trouble remember all of his lines, especially since he missed a week.

It wasn’t until Friday he learned Shepard and James had performed their skit last week, when Kaidan was absent. So he was at a loss as to why the two disappeared for a while each day. Ashley didn’t seem concerned about it. Neither did anyone else in his group, except Steve but it was hard to tell with the guy. He was always so calm.

“Hey,” Shepard said, suddenly appearing next to him. Kaidan looked up and frowned when he saw he wasn’t alone. “James is gonna come with us.”

“Oh, um, okay,” he said, because what else could he say?

He didn’t know James very well. He only knew James was pretty cool with everyone and he and Shepard bickered occasionally – but then, Shepard did that with pretty much everyone. James smiled at him and hefted his backpack over his shoulder.

Shepard grabbed James’ arm, talking to him as he all but dragged him to the door. Kaidan watched them for a moment, wondering why that felt so _wrong_ , before he sighed and followed after them, jogging to catch up.

It was chilly outside, the ground wet with rain though it had stopped raining nearly an hour ago. Kaidan walked behind Shepard and James were still having their little hushed conversation he couldn’t hear over the wind. When they got to Shepard’s car James climbed into the passenger seat before anyone could say otherwise, still engaged in their conversation. Kaidan frowned but climbed into the back seat, dumping his backpack next to him.

“So, Shep,” he overheard from the front of the car, “these milkshakes better not cost a lot.”

Shepard laughed. “Oh, they’re pretty cheap. You’ll see. You’re still paying, right?”

Kaidan frowned. Was this who Shepard was talking to on the phone in class?

James snorted. “Yeah, I’m still paying.”

“Awesome.” Shepard paused, then, meeting his gaze in the rearview mirror, a flicker of _something_ flashing across his face. “Um… Do you want to come, Kaidan?”

Kaidan took in a breath. “If… you want me to,” he said quietly. “If I’m not… interrupting.”

Interrupting _what_ he didn’t know and wasn’t sure he wanted to know. He shrank back in his seat, averting his gaze to the ground, fingers clutching lightly at the strap to his backpack.

“He can come,” James said. “But I don’t have money for three.”

“I’ll get him,” Shepard said, shrugging. “So, did you want to, Kaidan?”

“I don’t… I have money.”

“Oh, cool,” Shepard said. “So I’m taking that as a yes.”

_Take it however you want._

Kaidan attempted to tune out the conversation in the car as they drove through town, toward their usual place, unable to stop that stab of _something_ which shot through him because on some level he thought this place was _theirs_. That was silly, though; it was just a restaurant, it had milkshakes and it was fairly cheap. Of course that was where they’d go, and other people as well. It only made sense.

The drive there was relatively fast but felt longer, though he wasn’t sure why. They exited the car and entered the restaurant, getting their usual booth. Like always Kaidan sat in the back corner, back to the wall, while Shepard sat across from him. What he hadn’t calculated was that James would then be sitting next to Shepard.

That was understandable, though; James knew Shepard better than Kaidan. He was paying for Shepard’s meal, though he still wasn’t sure why. Either way it made sense for him to sit over there instead of next to Kaidan, so this _something_ coursing through him was entirely unwarranted and unwanted.

They ordered their usual, plus James’ order which was chicken tenders instead of a sandwich. The waitress scurried off to call in their order and Kaidan took a sip of his drink which she’d brought him in advance because she knew what he always got by this point. They came here too often, it seemed.

“You were kidding about that ‘no feet’ comment, right?” James asked, glancing at Shepard.

Shepard nearly choked on his water, which the waitress gave him until she could give him his milkshake. “What?”

“Because dancing is totally happening,” James said. “Whether you like it or not.”

“Dancing?” Kaidan couldn’t help but ask.

“Nothing,” Shepard said quickly, shaking his head. “Don’t listen to him.”

“Don’t let him lie to you,” James said, looking at Kaidan. “He can dance, right?”

“I…” Why was he being dragged into this conversation?

“Don’t drag him into this,” Shepard laughed, taking another sip of his milkshake. “I’m not dancing. Just… no.”

“But it’s a _dance_.” The emphasis put on the word assumed Shepard didn’t know the definition of it. Kaidan was sure this was the opposite; everyone knew the definition, which was why Shepard was wholeheartedly arguing against it.

“A dance?” he asked, frowning as he looked between the two. He honestly had no idea what they were talking about.

Shepard slouched in his chair, sighing heavily. “I don’t know how this happened.”

“I asked,” James said. “You answered. That’s how.”

“Asked?” Kaidan echoed.

Shepard shook his head. “I was under duress; it doesn’t count.”

“Oh, but it _does_ , Shep, it _does_.”

The waitress arrived with their food then, leaving the table going silent for a moment until they were alone again. Shepard picked at his fries, dipping a few in the cheese sauce he always got, while James plucked up a few of his own fries and dipped them in the sauce as well. Shepard tossed him a look and flicked his hand away when James attempted this again. Their interaction was smooth and easy and he didn’t particularly like it, though he wasn’t sure why. He had no right to judge, or to feel like… like…

 _This_.

Feel like this. No right at all.

He took in a breath and focused on his own food, but somehow it didn’t seem to taste right when he took a bite. The food weighed heavy in his mouth but nevertheless he chewed and swallowed, averting his gaze toward the tabletop.

“Sooo,” James said, “what do you say?”

“I’m not dancing,” Shepard said again.

“It’s a _dance_ , Shepard.”

“I said I’d go with you; I didn’t say anything about dancing.”

“A dance?” Kaidan asked, slowly lifting his gaze. Shepard wouldn’t quite meet his eye even as the brunette shook his head.

“I don’t know how this happened,” Shepard said again.

“I asked,” James repeated. “You said ‘yeah, sure’, and I’m paying for your damn milkshake. So you’re gonna dance.”

“But I _can’t_ ,” Shepard groused. “I can’t dance. It’s a physical impossibility!”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” James said, laughing as he stole a few of Shepard’s fries, “anyone can dance. You just need the right _teacher_.”

Kaidan didn’t particularly like that tone. It was similar to Shepard’s, the one that sent chills through his spine, but this tone left him stiffened for very different reasons.

Shepard sighed and shook his hand, scowling as he batted James’ hand away. “Dammit, you have your own fries.”

“But yours are so much better.”

“No,” Shepard said, “no, they’re not. You don’t see me stealing your food.”

“You want some of my food?” James asked, quirking a brow as he smirked at him. His fingers curled around a chicken tender which he shoved toward Shepard’s mouth. “Open up, sunshine.”

Shepard backed his head away. “Whoa, hey, I don’t know where your hands have been.”

“Yes you do,” James said with this laugh which left Kaidan scowling. “Eat up, buttercup.”

Shepard sighed and reached a hand up, taking the chicken tender from James. He broke it in two and took half for himself while he unceremoniously dropped the second half back onto James’ plate.

Kaidan tried to focus on his food but he found he no longer had an appetite.

“Kaidan?”

He glanced up at the sound of his name, meeting Shepard’s blue eyes. “Yeah?”

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” he sighed, looking away, “I’m fine.”

Except that felt like a lie, and he didn’t know _why_.

 

“How was school?” Kevin asked as he pushed open the front door, backpack slung over his shoulder. He sighed and shook his head, trudging past his brother toward the stairs. He nearly collided with Rahna while doing so, and she easily danced out of his way and entered the kitchen without sparing him a glance.

He watched her go, sighing. He doubted she’d ever forgive him; hell, he didn’t even forgive himself. It was his fault. Maybe not directly, but his fault nevertheless.

He took in a breath, dodged Kevin’s next question, and went upstairs to his room, where he tossed his backpack down and then stood there, unsure as to what he should do. It was after Drama Club and he’d eaten; usually he felt good by this point, felt… oddly at _ease_ , and either read something or did homework. Occasionally Shepard called but that didn’t seem likely tonight. Or… Or maybe ever again.

Why _that_ thought gnawed at him he’d never know, but it did. Gnawed at him like hell, because he’d grown accustomed to that interaction, those phone calls, the meal after Drama Club, playing cards… and now it was all slipping away from him, sand through a sieve, slipping through the cracks in his hands. Losing everything all over again.

Much like before, this was his fault. He let Shepard leave, didn’t answer, didn’t… _move_ , or _anything_ , and now it was too late to make amends. He’d clearly moved on like he _said_ he would. He _said_ he’d get over it, get over _Kaidan_ , and that was just what he did. Kaidan had no idea there was even a dance coming up. He hadn’t been invited, but apparently James and Shepard were going to it, together or separately, but nevertheless they were going. James was his new best friend, not Kaidan.

He knew this would happen. It was why he tried to stop it, make it end _sooner_ so he wouldn’t be so damn _attached_ but now… now it _hurt_ …

He took in a breath which was meant to be calming but in reality was anything but, and sat down on his bed to begin his homework. At least _that_ was something easier to think about.

There was a quiet knock at his door. A moment later it pushed open and his brother stepped in. Kaidan spared him a quick glance before his gaze returned to the worksheet in front of him, cradled against his textbook.

“Hey,” Kevin said quietly. “Are you okay?”

“Great,” Kaidan sighed. “Fine. Perfect.”

“So I’ll take that as a no.”

He shrugged. “Take it however you want.”

“What’s wrong?”

Kaidan shook his head. “Doesn’t matter.”

_Doesn’t matter because it’s over._

His friendship, his… _something_. His something, because Shepard kissed him and he didn’t respond, and he let him walk away. Because Shepard kissed him and was now hanging out with James. Because Shepard _kissed him_ and _got over it_ and was now going to a dance with _James_.

_Yeah. He got over me._

_That was fast…_

For someone who claimed to like him… that was fast.

Except he couldn’t blame Shepard, because _he_ was the one who messed up, not Shepard. Shepard told him, kissed him, and Kaidan pushed him away. Physically, to make him stop, and then was unable to stop him from leaving when it mattered. Let him get in the car and drive away, not once but twice, and now there was nothing he could do about it.

Because he no longer had that right.

He knew this. He did.

And yet…

 

Saturday was usually a great day with no school to worry about and the chance to sleep in, but Kaidan found himself even more restless on this day. He didn’t sleep well last night which he blamed on the fact he handed his room over to his brother for the weekend, and the couch just simply wasn’t very comfortable.

Rahna stayed at a friend’s last night – _must be nice_ , he thought bitterly – and Kevin got up early this morning to do _something_ with his friends. He wouldn’t be back until late tonight.

Again, though, _must be nice_.

He didn’t have any friends.

Not anymore.

Because he messed up like he _always_ did, and now-

The phone rang, thankfully dragging him out of those thoughts. He padded across the room and plucked the phone from its cradle, pressing the green button and brining it to his ear.

“Hello?”

“Hey,” Shepard said cheerily, and his spine stiffened. “How are you this fine morning, Kaide- I mean Kaidan.”

The lack of that nickname was… a little disturbing, he had to admit. He took in a breath. “I’m fine,” he said slowly. “Did you… Did I leave something in the car?”

It was the only reason Shepard would be calling him, after all.

“Don’t think so,” Shepard said somewhat uncertaintly. “I can check, though, if something’s missing?”

“No,” Kaidan sighed. “It’s not. Um… what… do you want?”

There was a pause. “Oh,” Shepard said slowly, hesitantly. “Am I bothering you?”

“No,” Kaidan said quickly, shaking his head even though he knew Shepard couldn’t see. “No, you’re… I just…”

Shepard sighed heavily. “Yeah, I’ll just… I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have called.”

He could _feel_ him about to end the call.

“Wait,” he hissed. It felt like he’d been saying that a lot recently, and it never worked.

But this time it did, because the dial tone never rang in his ear. Except he couldn’t hear anyone, either.

“Shepard?”

“Yeah,” Shepard breathed, “I’m here. What… What did you want?”

“Why did you call?”

“I’m sorry,” Shepard said, “I can just-”

“I’m not mad at you,” Kaidan said. “I don’t know why you… why you think you did something wrong, but-”

“ _Why_?” Shepard echoed with this hoarse laugh. “I kissed you, Kaidan.”

“Yeah,” he said, taking in a breath which shouldn’t have been as shaky as it was, “you did, but… but that’s not…” _Bad. That’s not bad._

To his shock, he realized he actually kind of… _liked it_. Liked it because no one had ever cared enough to do that before, and if Shepard cared about him so much he just lost his _restraint_ , then… then maybe…

“How’s James?” Kaidan asked, because that was all he could focus on right now. Nothing else mattered, as he kept telling himself. What happened in the past didn’t matter. Shepard kissing him didn’t matter, because he messed up and it was over before… before what?

“James?” Shepard asked. “Oh, he’s fine. Roped me into a dance next weekend. Are you going?”

“Going?” he echoed.

“Yes – to the dance. Are you?”

“I don’t… I didn’t even know there _was_ a dance.”

“It’s word of mouth,” Shepard said. “I would have invited you, but… Um. Anyway. You can go if you want. It’s on Friday night.”

“I don’t know.”

“It’ll be _fun_ ,” Shepard hummed.

He sighed. “I’ll… see if I can.”

“Oh, okay. Let me know and… we can take you there, if you want.”

“We?”

“James would kill me if I left him behind,” Shepard chuckled. “It’s a long story. The things I get myself into.”

_Right. Of course._

“I’ll just… I’ll see,” he said. It was the most he could promise right now.

“Okay, Kaidan,” Shepard sighed, and he could almost picture him shaking his head. “I’ll just…” There was a pause. “Are you okay?”

“Am I…?”

“I mean… I mean are _we_ okay?”

Kaidan frowned, moving to sit on the edge of the couch. “What do you mean?”

“It just… feels… _different_ ,” Shepard said quietly. “I don’t… Never mind. None of my business.”

“Continue,” Kaidan said.

Shepard sighed. It was this loud echo through the phone. “You don’t have to, um… You don’t have to worry about me _doing_ anything anymore. Okay? So are we… good?”

“Doing anything?” he echoed.

This time Shepard’s sigh was rough. “You’re not making this easy.”

“Sorry.”

“I won’t kiss you again. Or… I mean I won’t try. Or… Or anything. I promise.”

“Oh,” he said quietly.

This should have relieved him, and yet it didn’t. It actually did something like the _opposite_.

“So are we good?”

Kaidan took in a breath, releasing it slowly. “Yeah… we’re good, Shepard.”

Shepard’s sigh was one of relief. “Cool. So are you gonna go this weekend?”

“I don’t know… I’ve never… been to a dance before.”

“There’s dancing,” Shepard said, “but it’s not required. Most of the people just go for the mingling.”

“Mingling?”

“Right, I forgot you’re kind of naïve.”

Kaidan scowled. “I’m not naïve.”

Shepard laughed. “You kind of are, but it’s cute. Anyway, you should totally go.”

_Cute?_

_Are you just going to skip over that comment?_

“I’ll see,” he said again.

“You don’t have to dress up or anything,” Shepard said. “No tuxes or anything. God no. Just… whatever’s comfortable. It’s at someone’s house, so it’s not school-sanctioned or anything.”

“Oh,” he said, “okay. Um… I’ll see.”

“Alright,” Shepard sighed. “I can’t make you. But it will be fun. Don’t worry, I won’t let James rope you into dancing. After _my_ dancing you’re going to run out screaming.”

“You can’t be _that_ bad,” he found himself saying.

“You’ll see,” Shepard laughed. “Come to the dance and you’ll see.”


	17. Chapter Seventeen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, guys, terrible sorry for the delay! I was in a rut. Anyway, this chapter is kind of all over the place, I feel, but meh, whatever. I still hope it sounds okay, somehow XD Let me know, yeah? Hopefully the next chapter won't take too long, but we'll see.

Chapter Seventeen

 

_Why am I doing this?_

He honestly had no idea. He nervously paced in his room, back and forth near the door which remained shut. Shepard would be here any minute, he knew. Be here to take him to the dance. To a dance he wasn’t sure he wanted to even go to, so why was he doing this? Why was he going?

_Because Shepard asked._

This was… very true, he realized. Shepard asked him to go, when Kaidan thought they weren’t even friends anymore, and he couldn’t say no to him. He couldn’t say no and risk creating a larger divide between them, so he had to go.

He just prayed it would be okay. The thought of being there with both Shepard _and_ James was more than a little unsettling. Every time he thought about it, he swore he could taste bile somewhere in his throat, though he wasn’t sure _why_. He had no reason to feel this way. James and Shepard were best friends now because he ruined things between them by acting and not acting. Either way he messed things up between them. He was just lucky Shepard even called him and invited him, still wanted anything to do with him.

Shepard was still friendly in class and in Drama Club. He still drove Kaidan home after Drama Club, but it was different now, because James was with him as well. They had Drama Club twice this week, and James always sat up front next to Shepard while Kaidan stayed in the back, and it was just _wrong_. Wrong because… He wasn’t sure _why_ it was wrong, but it _was_ , and he didn’t know how to fix this.

There was a quiet knock at his door. He stiffened, wondering if Shepard was here and it was someone telling him it was time to go. The door opened to reveal his mom, offering him a wide smile.

“You look nice,” she said.

“Thanks,” he said quietly. He’d never admit it but he agonized over what to wear. He’d never been to any kind of party before. Except birthday parties when he was younger, but that was when he was a kid, before _it_ happened and everything fell apart. Things were different now. This was high school. This was a _dance_.

He eventually settled on solid dark blue jeans and a gray button down shirt. Over it he slipped a dark blue jacket. Nothing fancy, but presentable, he hoped. At least his mom approved.

She’d been ecstatic when she heard he was going to this dance. He wasn’t sure how she found out because he certainly hadn’t said anything to her about it, but she knew nevertheless. Perhaps Rahna mentioned it, or Kevin, though he wasn’t sure why they would.

“Your friend is here,” she told him.

He took in a breath and nodded, attempting to walk the jelly out of his legs because again, he had _no reason to feel like this, dammit, stop._

He exited his room and went downstairs to find Shepard standing there, near the doorway, waiting for him. Shepard smiled when he saw him, blue eyes brightening somewhat as those eyes scanned over him. “Lookin’ good,” Shepard told him. “Ready?”

“Thanks,” he said, attempting to ignore the slight burning of his ears. “Yeah, I’m ready.”

_Ready to see how this goes._

He hoped it went well, but he wasn’t very optimistic. He took in a breath and followed Shepard out of the house, only then noticing his attire as well. Shepard wore faded blue jeans which fit him probably a little too well, a dark red shirt which easily clung to his skin, and a light gray jacket. He looked nice, he had to admit. Perhaps he should go back inside and change his own attire to fit in better, but it was too late to change now because they were already at Shepard’s car.

Just like he figured, James sat up front. Sighing, he climbed into the back while Shepard revved the engine and they pulled away from the curb.

“Kaidan,” James said from the front, causing him to look up, “I need your help.”

“With what?” he asked quietly, frowning. He and James didn’t talk much, he realized. He wasn’t sure why, since every time he saw Shepard now, James was nearby.

“Getting this one to dance,” James said, jerking a thumb in Shepard’s direction.

Shepard snorted. “I’m not dancing,” he said adamantly. “I told you this. If you want to dance, dance with your cru-”

“We’re dancing,” James said, cutting him off. “I need a partner and you said yes.”

“I never agreed to dancing,” Shepard said.

Kaidan sighed and sank into the backseat, looking away from the two in the front. Was he really feeling like this just because of their easy conversation? Because it reminded him of _their_ easy conversation? Things used to be so great between him and Shepard; he missed it now. Sure, Shepard wasn’t giving him the silent treatment by any means, but it was _different_. Something changed between them, and he didn’t _like_ it. At _all_.

_Nothing you can do about it, Kaidan. You made your bed, now lie in it._

Except he didn’t _want_ to. He wanted things to go back to how they were. He wanted things to go back to… to…

Back to Shepard looking at him like _that_. With those sharp, dark eyes. Talking to him in _that_ tone of voice, the one that sent those shivers through his spine in all the right ways. Back to Shepard with his hands on his _hips_ , and-

_Oh, God, what are you doing?_

No. He couldn’t think like that. Shepard… It wasn’t the same anymore. Shepard promised he’d never do it again.

_But what… what if I… want you to…_

What if he _wanted_ Shepard to do those things again? Because he _missed_ it, he realized. Missed those looks which were absent now. At the time he assumed it was friendship; now he knew it was Shepard’s… what? _Like_ for him? It was _something_ in his gaze which was mysteriously absent these days. He still got the bright smiles and friendly nature, but it was _different_ and he _hated_ it.

_Just go back to how things were, please…_

Because if he could do it again… If he knew _this_ was what would happen… He would have kissed him back.

The realization slammed into him, leaving him momentarily winded while the conversation carried on in the front seat. Suddenly everything he was feeling right now seemed to make _sense_ , make sense in a way it _hadn’t_ before, and it took all he had to ground himself in reality. His fingers curled into the cushions beneath him as he threw his head back into the seat, closing his eyes as he attempted to breathe correctly. Thankfully no one noticed, too focused on their own conversation.

Once upon a time Shepard would have just _known_ when something was wrong with him. Wouldn’t have even had to look at him to see something was off, but now… now he could hold an entire conversation with someone else without even noticing Kaidan’s reality was crashing down around him.

_Oh, God, go back to how you were, please…_

He missed it. Missed it so _much_. Missed their easy friendship, those goddamn _looks_ and _smiles_ and _everything_ …

Because if he could go back to when Shepard kissed him… He wouldn’t shove him away. He’d instead hold tight and kiss him back because this was so much worse than anything he could have previously imagined between them. Shepard giving him the silent treatment… He deserved that, but this… this _different_ friendship… without those looks and smiles and _everything_ …

He’d kiss him back. Wouldn’t let him walk away. Wouldn’t let things get so _messed up_ between them…

Shepard said he liked him, and Kaidan didn’t say anything in return. He didn’t tell him… tell him he _might_ feel the same. He might actually like Shepard as well, like _that_. Because that kiss… He remembered getting into it a little, before his mind caught up to him. Remembered his hand slipping around Shepard’s neck to bring them closer together. Remembered the way he didn’t _hate_ the feel of Shepard’s hands on his hips…

Shepard liked him. _Romantically_. Enough that he lose control around him because he couldn’t restrain himself anymore. That meant something, he knew. No one ever did that to him before. No one ever lost control around him, because of him, before. And he _liked_ it. He _liked_ the attention, the feel of that semi-painful kiss before his mind caught up with his actions, the feel of those hands heavy on his hips, that breathy quality to that voice… He liked it.

He might even like Shepard… like he liked Kaidan.

Except there was nothing he could do about it now, because it was over. Over before it could ever begin, because he messed up and let him walk away too many times. He could only be given so many chances to fix things before Shepard realized how pathetic he was and moved on, like he was doing right now.

And _that_ was why he _hated_ seeing James and Shepard together like this, listening to their easy conversation, hearing those tones and laughs and everything _he_ used to get…

Because he had his chance and he blew it before he even realized what he was doing, and now Shepard had moved on. Moved on without him, because… because, what?

_He thinks that’s what I want._

This was true, he realized. Shepard assumed Kaidan didn’t return his feelings; that was why he kept apologizing. Why he fled like he did. He assumed Kaidan didn’t feel the same. He assumed Kaidan wanted him to _stop_ doing those things, when in fact, he was only now realizing he wanted him to do _more_ of those things.

But he screwed up, Shepard moved on, and he had no way to let him know it was _okay_ to do that. It was _okay_ to kiss him. It was _okay_ to like him.

Because he missed his chance and Shepard didn’t look at him like that anymore.

“Cheer up back there, grumpy,” Shepard said, snapping him from his thoughts. He caught those blue eyes in the rearview mirror, swallowing thickly as he attempted to ground himself. “You okay, Kaide-… Kaidan?”

He closed his eyes. Why did he ever tell Shepard to stop calling him that? Now the lack of the name just felt so _wrong_ … “I’m fine,” he said quietly.

_I’m perfectly fine._

“Are you sure?”

“I’m _fine_.”

“Okay,” Shepard said quietly, voice deflated, causing Kaidan to open his eyes, but those blue eyes weren’t looking at him anymore. “Sorry for bothering you.”

 _No,_ he wanted to say, _you could never bother me!_

Because this was true. Shepard had _never_ bothered him before, not even in the beginning when Kaidan wanted to be left alone. Shepard never bothered him in any way.

But he could tell him this, because suddenly the car was stopping, and he looked out the window to find them outside of a house. The street was crowded with cars, as was the front yard and driveway, and he could feel the bass from here. This was the party, then. The _dance_. The dance James invited Shepard to. The dance Shepard said _yes_ to.

_Why am I here?_

They got out of the car, James an Shepard leading the way with Kaidan walking behind them, attempting to ignore that stab of _something_ he felt whenever he looked at the two of them.

The music inside was loud. The furniture had all been taken away to create this large dance floor in the center of the living room. The house itself appeared large from the outside, but inside it appeared even more massive. There were a lot of people here, people he didn’t know or recognize. Some of them were dancing, while others were along the walls, talking in groups or watching those dancing.

“Shepard,” James said with a grin, clapping Shepard on the shoulder, “time to dance!”

“I’m not dancing,” Shepard said, shaking his head, but he was smiling. “I told you this. I don’t dance.”

“I’ll teach you,” James said.

“Nope.”

James’s gaze slid toward Kaidan. “Help me,” he said. “He listens to you.”

“Don’t drag him into this,” Shepard said with a scowl, tossing Kaidan a faint smile. “Sorry. You can mingle if you want.”

He shrugged. He didn’t know anyone here other than Shepard and James, it seemed like, and he had no desire to talk to other people anyway. Why was he here again?

“Kaidan, help me out here,” James said, pouting at him.

Shepard raised a hand, flicking him in the lip, causing James to stop pouting. “Leave him out of this.”

“We’re dancing,” James said, snagging Shepard’s wrist. “I’ll teach you; just follow my lead.”

“Hell no,” Shepard said, pulling away, expression twisting in a scowl. “I’m not being the girl.”

“Then you can lead,” James said, smirking.

“I’m not dancing.”

Kaidan wasn’t sure what he should say or do at this point. He himself wasn’t a great dancer, but he used to like it for fun. He and Rahna used to dance around all the time when they were little. He missed those days. A lot.

A part of him was curious as to why Shepard said he couldn’t dance, and why he was so reluctant to even try to do so, but a much larger part just didn’t want to see the two of them dancing together. Why, though, he wasn’t sure, because it shouldn’t bother him. He had no right to feel this way. Because he screwed up and missed his chance, and he needed to get used to the idea that things were never going to be the same again.

“Kaidan,” James groaned, “help me out!”

“Just do it,” he finally sighed, shaking his head as he looked away. It would end this conversation, and he wouldn’t like watching the two of them that close due to selfish reasons, but this wasn’t about him. Wasn’t about him at all, because he missed his chance and Shepard didn’t like him anymore.

And that shouldn’t bother him, but it _did_.

Shepard frowned at him. “You… You want me to dance with James?” he asked quietly, gaze scanning him over.

He shrugged, looking at the ground. “If you want to.”

_I can’t stop you. I have no say over any of this._

It was none of his business anymore.

_Why am I here?_

He should have said no. Said he was busy. He shouldn’t have agreed to come to this dance with them. At the time it seemed like the best way to keep their friendship, but now… now it just left him feeling more and more out of place, like he didn’t _belong_ , and he _never_ felt like that around Shepard. Shepard always, _always_ , accepted him and made him feel like he belonged. Even though they only knew each other for roughly three months, Shepard left him feeling more like he belonged than anyone else had in a long time, especially his family.

And it was gone now, because he screwed up.

He didn’t even realize it was something he might have _wanted_ until it was over…

_But he’s a guy._

They were both guys; they shouldn’t have liked each other. Things like that didn’t matter where Kaidan came from. His neighbor used to be gay, before they moved after _it_ happened. Everyone was okay with it. It unsettled his dad a little bit, but he didn’t seem to mind it too much. Obviously Shepard was okay with it, as well as James if the two came to this dance together. As a _date_.

He realized only then that he was the third wheel on a _date_.

The bile rose in his throat again. Not because it was two guys, but because he lost his chance to be part of that date. He lost his chance to… do _anything_.

“Alright,” Shepard finally sighed, after watching Kaidan for a long moment. “Give me a minute. I need to work myself up to dancing.”

James sighed. “Fine, fine. But be quick about it.”

Shepard rolled his eyes as he walked away, but stopped a few paces away to look back at him. “Join me for a drink, Kaidan?”

Kaidan swallowed. “Sure,” he said quietly. Like the offer to come to this dance, he couldn’t turn down the offer of friendship. This was easy, too; just getting a drink.

He followed Shepard through the crowd, away from James and off to a quiet corner where a large bowl of punch sat. “Remind me not to drink too much of this,” Shepard said, pouring some into a glass.

“Why?”

“It’s spiked.”

“That’s illegal.”

Shepard laughed, smirking at him. “Yep, but it happens. So remind me not to drink a lot. Or you might have to drive everyone home.”

He shrugged. “Why not just drink something else?”

“And not be tipsy enough to dance?” Shepard asked, shaking his head. “I can’t do that without some kind of buzz, man. It’s humiliating.”

“It can’t be _that_ bad,” he said quietly, watching his friend bring that glass of pink punch to his lips.

Shepard shrugged. “You’ll see, I guess.” He shifted uneasily, then, gaze skittering away from Kaidan’s face. “We’re good, right?”

“What do you mean?”

“I just… You seem… I don’t know. You seem kind of tense. I just… things are okay between us, right?”

“Oh,” he murmured, sighing. “Yeah. Of course.”

_Things are great._

He couldn’t blame Shepard for moving on so quickly, after all. So they were fine. Their friendship was probably ruined, but that was his own fault. He couldn’t blame Shepard for anything.

“I’m sorry if I… freaked you out or anything,” Shepard breathed, causing him to glance back at him. Those blue eyes were still focused on the ground.

“Freaked me out?” he repeated, confused.

“By, um… kissing you,” Shepard clarified. “And… And saying that I liked you. I’m sorry if it freaked you out.”

“Oh,” he said, shaking his head, “no, it didn’t freak me out.”

Blue eyes slid up to meet his own brown ones, expression hesitant. “It didn’t?”

“No,” he said quietly, watching him. “You just… Just surprised me, that’s all.”

It was a shock to suddenly have Shepard kissing him, after all. Before that he hadn’t even known the guy liked him like that at all, even though there were hints. Hints he noticed now but was oblivious to before. Shepard was right; he _was_ dense.

“Do you forgive me?” Shepard asked quietly, blue eyes scanning over his face. “I don’t…” He looked away, chewing on his lower lip, before he sighed, shoulders drooping somewhat. “I don’t like this distance between us.”

“Me neither,” Kaidan said honestly. “I… I miss how… we used to be.”

Shepard looked at him again. “You do?”

“Yes,” he said, nodding. “Do… Do you?”

“Of course I do,” Shepard said, running a hand through his short brunette hair. “You’re my best friend and I miss hanging out with you.”

Kaidan blinked at him, attempting to breathe through his relieved shock. “I’m still your best friend?” he asked quietly. “After… After everything I did?”

“Of course you are,” Shepard said, before frowning. “What do you mean? You didn’t do anything.”

“I let you leave,” he said. “I… I pushed you away.”

“Because I _kissed_ you,” Shepard told him, shaking his head. “You did nothing wrong, Kaidan.”

“I did,” Kaidan murmured. “I shouldn’t have done that.”

Shepard watched him for a moment, eyes narrowed slightly. The music was loud but the silence between them in that moment was far louder, ringing in his ears as the seconds ticked by.

“Shouldn’t have done what?” the brunette asked slowly.

“Pushed you away like that.”

“You had to. I kissed you and you didn’t want me to,” Shepard said, sighing heavily as he tossed back the rest of his drink before pouring him another one. “I’m the one at fault here. And I’m sorry. Let’s just go back to how we were before, okay?”

_What if I wanted you to kiss me?_

The thought appeared unbidden, but nevertheless, it was true.

“Shepard,” he said quietly, “I-”

“What’s taking so long over here, Shep?” James asked, approaching them. Kaidan stiffened even as Shepard’s gaze switched to over his shoulder, where James now stood behind Kaidan.

“Just getting a drink,” Shepard said, tossing back his second glass of the spiked punch.

“Are you ready to dance?”

Shepard shrugged, gaze shifting toward Kaidan briefly, scanning him over. “Should I?” he asked quietly.

Kaidan swallowed, looking away. “Do what you want. I don’t care,” he said. “He wants you to.”

_It’s none of my business._

Shepard watched him for a long moment, before he sighed. The sigh got to him, had him lifting his gaze back toward his friend. Those blue eyes seemed darker than before, a door closing in them, as Shepard took a step back away from him. He hadn’t even realized they’d been standing so close, in each other’s personal space, until then. Shepard’s gaze slid away from him, focusing instead on James.

“Alright,” Shepard said quietly, “let’s do this.”

James snagged Shepard’s wrist without a second thought and the two disappeared from the room.

Kaidan was left standing near the punch bowl, attempting to reign in that onslaught of conflicting emotions raging through him, a storm he couldn’t tame.

_Why did he sigh like that… Why did he look at me like that…_

There was something _final_ about that look, that sigh. Something he couldn’t quite place right now. Shepard kept asking him if he should dance, as though Kaidan would… what? Have a problem with it? Have a problem with him dancing with James? He didn’t care if two guys danced together, and anyway, it wasn’t any of his concern because he screwed up, missed his chance, and Shepard moved on.

Because he thought Kaidan didn’t feel the same, at all.

When in fact… the opposite was surprisingly true.

He’d never liked anyone before; not like this. He’d had crushes, sure, but that was more superficial than anything. He liked how people looked; he was a teenager, of course he did. Especially before _it_ happened. But this… this was different, because he wasn’t attracted to guys. Not like that. He wasn’t attracted to Shepard’s _looks_ , but his _personality_ , how he made Kaidan _feel_ when he was around.

And that… that was more than what he was used to feeling, than what he knew how to describe, because he’d _never_ been in a situation like this before. Someone actually _liked_ him, liked him enough to _kiss_ him and _be there_ for him when he needed them, and he actually reciprocated those feelings in some way. This was all very new to him, since he’d never been anywhere close to a relationship before, but even so, he knew this was… _different_. Special. Because it was Shepard and Shepard made him feel like he _belonged_ , and… and he _kissed_ him and Kaidan actually kind of wanted to have them kiss _again_ …

But that was absurd because it wasn’t going to happen.

_Alright. I might like him._

He could admit that to himself. He might like Shepard like Shepard liked him. It was deeper than a simple crush, but still so strange and new to him. So he might like him back, but that didn’t mean anything anymore because…

_I just told him to dance with James. He was asking me because…_

He closed his eyes, taking in a quick breath. He knew what that looked was for, now. That sigh. Why Shepard kept asking him.

But it was too late to do anything about it now, because that sigh, that look, was _final_. And right now the two were probably in the other room dancing, and…

He wasn’t aware he was moving until he was on the dance floor. Shepard was awkwardly pressed against James, attempting to follow his lead despite the fact James was moving quickly through the dance floor, around the other bodies, smirking when he caught sight of Kaidan. Kaidan paused, then, steps faltering, because what was he doing here? He had no right to be here.

“Something wrong?” James asked, causing Shepard to look at him from where he stood behind Shepard.

“Um…”

“I told you I’m terrible,” Shepard sighed. “It’s left him speechless.”

Except he wouldn’t look Kaidan in the eye. And the tone was… _off_.

 _No_.

He wouldn’t let this happen again. He screwed this up once already; he’d gotten the silent treatment once already. He wasn’t going to let it happen again.

“Can I talk to you for a second?” he asked quietly, watching Shepard as those blue eyes looked toward the floor. “Privately.”

“Normally I don’t like people stealing my partner away,” James said with a laugh, “but go ahead, Shep.”

Shepard stepped away from James, toward Kaidan, even though he still wouldn’t quite look at him. “Alright,” he said quietly. “Where are we going?”

Kaidan took in a breath, heart racing in his chest because he had absolutely no idea what he was even _doing_ right now. “This way,” he said quietly, turning to lead the way through the room.

He wasn’t aware of where he was going until the two of them were outside next to Shepard’s car. It was dark, and chilly, but at least they both had their jackets still on. No one else was outside right now, either, which was good. No prying eyes for _whatever_ he wanted to talk about, because he honestly wasn’t sure why they were even out here right now.

Except that he couldn’t let this continue. He couldn’t let them _dancing_ continue, not when…

“What’d you want to talk to about?” Shepard asked, leaning against the hood of his car, gaze focused forever on the ground.

Kaidan sighed, scrubbing a hand across his face. “I don’t… I actually don’t know what to say,” he said, shaking his head. “I know, I’m pathetic, but…”

“You’re not pathetic,” Shepard said. “Don’t say that about yourself.”

He took in a breath, looking away. “Do you… Do you still like me?”

He didn’t have to be watching Shepard to know when his friend stiffened. It left his own spine stiffening as well.

“I won’t do anything,” Shepard said.

“That’s not what I asked.” He looked at his friend now, at the rigid set of his shoulders, the way he was focused completely on the ground, posture so tense. “It’s not bad if you do, just… Please. Tell me if you do.”

_Let me know if I can fix this…_

He honestly wasn’t sure what he wanted the answer to be. If Shepard said no, that he _didn’t_ like Kaidan anymore, he couldn’t be angry with him. He’d have to accept it and move on, and hope that their friendship was enough. Because before, it wasn’t _just_ their friendship which had made things so easy between them; it was the fact Shepard liked him, and Kaidan hadn’t even noticed all the little hints.

Because, as Shepard said, he was incredibly _dense_ at times.

If Shepard said _yes_ , he _did_ still like Kaidan… Then maybe…

Maybe he could fix things. Maybe he could _hold on_ instead of _pushing away_ …

“Kaidan,” Shepard whispered, “why are you doing this to me?”

Kaidan swallowed thickly, stepping toward him. Shepard didn’t move away, but he did stiffen a little more as Kaidan leaned against the hood of the car with him, both of them almost sitting on it.

“Just tell me,” he said quietly. “I won’t… I won’t be mad either way. Please.”

Shepard closed his eyes. “You know I still like you,” he murmured. “It doesn’t… go away that fast. But I’m working on it. I promise.”

“What if…” He took in a slow breath, wetting his lips. “What if I didn’t _want_ you to work on it?”

Blue eyes opened, finally sliding toward him, not looking him in the eye but scanning over his face. “What are you saying?”

“I’m saying I-”

“Shepard,” a voice said from somewhere off to the side, causing them both to stiffen and glance that way, “Kaidan, what a surprise seeing you here.”

“Hey, Garrus,” Shepard breathed somewhat shakily. “What are… What are you doing here?”

“Looking for you two,” Garrus replied, shrugging. “James’s looking for you – something about a bet?”

Shepard released this sound that could have been a cough or a sneeze. “W-What?”

Garrus shrugged. “Beats me. Anyway, so, he’s looking for you. He’s by the punch, last I saw. Make sure he doesn’t drink too much.”

“Right,” Shepard muttered, shaking his head. “That asshole owes me a million favors.”

His gaze slid toward Kaidan, then. Kaidan swallowed, looking back at him.

“I should… go,” Shepard murmured, looking away. “I’ll… I’ll talk to you later, okay? We won’t stay very long.”

“Okay,” Kaidan breathed back, trying not to feel _something_. Something, because why did he feel like this? “Sounds good.”

Shepard’s hand was warm on his shoulder as he walked past him, slipping away from the car and back toward the house, the party, and James.

 


	18. Chapter Eighteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for the delay! I'm finally re-playing the Mass Effect games again and I'm halfway through the second one, with a lot of new story ideas, both AU and semi-canonical. But we will see how it goes. Currently I'm fighting another headache which I know won't go away for a while, so that's fun. Sorry for any mistakes/typos, I was kind of out of it while writing this. 
> 
> I will try to update again soon but I make no promises. In a bit of a rut, trying to finish an original story of mine which is maybe 10-20 chapters from completion, and I have some side requests people wanted me to do (yes, I do requests. Shocking, I know). But I will try to update when I can! Patience, please.
> 
> Thanks for all of the kudos, bookmarks, and especially comments :) I really appreciate it and they are what keep this story alive!! They make me want to update :) So thanks!

Chapter Eighteen

 

Kaidan didn’t go back inside.

A part of him wanted to. Wanted to go find Shepard in the mess of bodies in the house, at this party with the spiked punch, but he didn’t have the strength to go looking. It took all the resolve he had to even drag Shepard out of there the first time; now all he could do was stand there and attempt to ignore the way he felt like things were quickly spiraling further and further out of his control.

Shepard said he would be back, that they wouldn’t be staying much longer, so Kaidan stayed near the car, waiting for Shepard and James to leave the house despite the chilly air surrounding him. Any minute now, he kept telling himself. Any minute now, they could leave and he could hide away in his room like always. Hide away until Monday, when he’d have to face Shepard and James again.

_Hide away…_

He’d tried twice now to tell Shepard he did, in fact, like him back, and that kissing Kaidan was not a bad thing as Shepard seemed to think it was. Twice he’d tried and twice he’d been interrupted. It took all the nerve he had to try that second time; now he didn’t know what to do. His limbs felt shaky, and not from the cold.

“Kaidan.”

Shepard’s voice was warm, familiar. Close.

Kaidan jerked, surprised, and spun to find Shepard standing behind him, holding his keys.

“Have you been out here the whole time?” Shepard asked, lips pulling downward into a quick frown as his dark eyes scanned over Kaidan.

“Um… yes? Can we… go now? Where’s James?”

“James isn’t coming with us,” Shepard said, shaking his head.

“But… what?”

Shepard smirked somewhat. “It’s a long story. Are you hungry? We can eat if you want. Milkshakes are on me.”

“I… I’d like that,” he found himself saying, despite how ridiculous it sounded.

Shepard chuckled and walked around toward the driver’s side of the car while Kaidan climbed in the passenger seat. A minute later they were pulling away from the house.

“Are you okay to drive?” he asked, tossing a quick glance toward his… friend. Yes, his friend. They were still friends.

“Yeah,” Shepard said, shaking his head. “Alcohol’s fine. In small doses. I didn’t have much. Why? You wanna drive?”

Blue eyes flickered toward him briefly before switching back toward the road. Kaidan shook his head, settling back in his seat. It wasn’t that he didn’t trust Shepard; he was just curious. For all he knew, Shepard could have consumed more spiked punch while he was in there without Kaidan for… who knew how long.

“How long were…?”

“I was in there about a half hour,” Shepard said. “Sorry. If I knew you were waiting outside…” He sighed, grip on the steering wheel tightening somewhat. “I would have at least told you to come in.”

“What did… James want?”

_Why ask? It’s none of your business, Kaidan._

He didn’t mean to pry, but he wanted to know. Wanted to know because… why?

_Because I like you. I think. A lot. I think. And…_

And nothing, because Shepard said he wouldn’t kiss him again. Because he thought that was what Kaidan wanted, because Kaidan kept getting interrupted.

“James wanted to congratulate me on a job well done.”

“Job well…? What’s that mean? What… bet?”

“He has this crush, see,” Shepard explained as they eased through a green light, “and the guy was ignoring him. So he asked me to help him.”

“Crush? What…?”

_You mean…?_

“You’re not with James?”

Shepard tossed him a quick look, a frown lighting up on his face momentarily before his gaze returned to the street. “Me and James? Oh, God, no. _No_. Just… no. Why would you think…? The dancing, is that why? Look, James just has a dance fetish, okay? It’s… kind of hilarious when you’re not the one roped into it.”

_He’s not with James._

They were never together. James just liked dancing.

This shouldn’t have relieved him like it did, and yet he could feel the smile tugging at his lips.

“So why…? Why dance, and…? Everything?” he asked, hoping his questions didn’t sound as silly as they felt. He shouldn’t be bothering Shepard about this, he knew.

“He likes dancing. Also, his crush was there. So, you know, we hung out a lot, he danced with me, the crush got jealous, and viola, now they’re together. I’m the awesome wingman.”

“Who is his crush?”

He seemed friendly with Shepard. Then again, come to think of it, James was friendly and tactile with pretty much everyone.

“I can’t say,” Shepard said as they pulled into the parking lot of their usual restaurant. It was open late on weekends, thankfully. “You’ll find out at school, probably. Anyway, I’m released from my job and don’t have to dance anymore. Freedom is great.”

Kaidan shook his head, hiding a smile as they exited the car and entered the restaurant, getting their usual table. It felt strange, not having James there like he had been lately, but it was also strangely… _nice_ , in a way. Nice to be alone again. Nice to just be the two of them.

He’d missed this easiness between them. Shepard admitted he still liked him, and Kaidan knew he still returned those feelings, despite the fact he hadn’t quite been able to truly express it yet.

 _Try again,_ his mind said.

He took in a breath. “Shepard, about… about earlier…”

“Hold that thought,” Shepard said, nodding toward the waitress who was approaching their table.

Kaidan shrank back in his seat, averting his gaze out the window while Shepard ordered for them. He still knew Kaidan’s usual order, even though a part of Kaidan had wondered if he’d forgotten. If it no longer mattered. Because, honestly, it didn’t matter. It didn’t matter because it was just a list of food he ate at a particular place, and it _shouldn’t_ matter, and yet somehow it did.

“Okay,” Shepard said when the waitress walked away. Kaidan dragged his gaze from the window to Shepard. Blue eyes watched him the whole time. “What were you saying?”

Kaidan took in a breath. “You… You said you were… working on it. On liking me.”

Shepard’s lips thinned into a white line. “Yeah,” he muttered, looking away. “I’m working on it.”

_Here goes._

“And I said… I said what if I didn’t want you to work on it…”

Blue eyes lifted slowly, meeting his gaze. That knot in Kaidan’s stomach grew, his nerves fried at the moment. He wasn’t sure what he’d do if this went wrong. If he was interrupted again. This was hard enough as it was, but trying to attempt it over and over…

“What do you mean by that?” Shepard asked quietly.

“Um… uh… i-it might not… be so bad if… y-you didn’t.”

“Kaidan…”

“I don’t… I don’t mind,” he said.

Shepard watched him for a moment, before he shook his head and looked away. “Unless you suddenly like me like that, I don’t see how letting me continue to like you would be okay. I’m not much for the whole ‘unrequited love’ thing.”

“L-Love?”

“It’s an expression,” Shepard said. “Look, Kaidan, I’ll get over it. Just…” Now Shepard sighed, closing his eyes as he sat back in his booth seat, shoulders drooping. “Maybe… Maybe we shouldn’t… hang out for a while.”

“W-What?” Kaidan breathed, mouth suddenly dry, because he certainly hadn’t been expecting _this_.

Hadn’t he hinted that he liked Shepard back? He didn’t say the words, exactly, but there wasn’t really time. As soon as he said it would be okay if Shepard still liked him, Shepard said maybe they shouldn’t hang out anymore. Did he do something wrong? Perhaps he misinterpreted Shepard’s feelings. Perhaps he misread the situation. Perhaps… a lot of things.

That knot in his stomach grew. Not with his nerves, this time, but with dread. A rising sense of dread.

“W-What are you saying?” he whispered, swallowing back the taste of bile in his throat.

“I don’t… It’d be easier…” Shepard sighed. “We can still talk. I’ll see you at school and everything, just… for the time being… I don’t think we should hang out. Not if you want me to stop liking you. Being around you is just… hard.”

“H-Hard?”

“I thought… I thought we could just be friends, but… until this goes away, I don’t know anymore. It’s hard being around you when all I want to do is…”

“Is what?” Kaidan asked when Shepard trailed off, those blue eyes focused down on the tabletop as the brunette slouched in his seat.

“Please,” Shepard breathed. “Just… stop doing this to me. You know what. Just give me some time, okay? I’ll… I can… It’ll go away. Until then just… please.”

 _Please_.

Shepard never really asked for anything. And now he was asking this of Kaidan. Saying _please_ and everything. Like he was desperate, which, _no_ , Shepard shouldn’t have been sounding like that at all. It didn’t seem _right_.

Kaidan closed his eyes, taking in a slow breath. Who was he to deny Shepard what he wanted? If he wanted to stay away from Kaidan… then that was okay. Kaidan would let him, if it was what he really wanted.

“O-Okay,” he murmured. “I’ll… okay. Sorry. I just… Sorry.”

“Thank you,” Shepard said, he sounded so goddamn _relieved_ …

_I’m sorry…_

They didn’t speak again the rest of their meal.

 

_He doesn’t want us to hang out anymore._

It kept rolling through his mind. Shepard asked him to stop. Said it would be easier if they didn’t hang out _for a while_ , though that could be any amount of time. Despite how much it _hurt_ to see Shepard and James so close lately, he thought this would hurt more. At least when Shepard and James had been hanging out, they included Kaidan as well, even if it did feel like he was the third wheel. But at least they still hung out and talked, even if Kaidan worried Shepard no longer thought of him as a friend.

And then Shepard invited him to the dance. The dance he was going to with James. Where everything went out of control, because he tried to tell Shepard. He tried. Tried so hard to say the words, kept getting interrupted, and now Shepard didn’t want to hang anymore.

_He doesn’t want to be friends anymore…_

And that _hurt_. Hurt more than seeing Shepard so close with James, made him miss their easy friendship even more. Made him wish he could just go back to when Shepard kissed him, and hold onto him instead of pushing him away. That would have changed everything. He could see it now.

He’d hold on, and Shepard wouldn’t flee. There wouldn’t be a week of hiding, ultimately ending with Shepard fleeing again, further damaging their friendship. No, he’d hold on, and they’d talk. Discuss things, settle on things, and there wouldn’t be this distance between them now. All he had to do was hold on.

_But I didn’t._

He didn’t hold on. He instead pushed him away. And now…

_But it doesn’t matter._

Shepard asked him. Said _please_. He wanted time apart, to deal with this, and Kaidan had to be okay with that. Perhaps, in time, he too would ‘get over it’ though somehow, he doubted it. He could say with all honesty he hadn’t quite felt this way before. It didn’t matter that Shepard was a guy, though that, too, was something to consider.

The drive home was quiet. Awkward. Something it never was between the two of them. Kaidan tried to sink into his seat, hide his presence somehow. Shepard’s grip on the steering wheel was tight, knuckles white, his posture tense and rigid. He didn’t want to be here any more than Kaidan did.

_I’m sorry…_

There was no music, no easy humming, no conversation… Nothing.

Shepard stopped outside of Kaidan’s house, finally glancing at him as Kaidan tried to fight away the bile rising in his throat at the thought of getting out. Of _leaving_. Letting Shepard flee _again_.

“I’ll… We’ll talk at school, okay?” Shepard said quietly, offering a faint smile. “Sound good?”

“Sure,” Kaidan muttered.

It had to sound good, didn’t it? Because it was what Shepard wanted, and Kaidan didn’t get a say in the matter. He sighed and looked out the window, toward his house and what waited for him when he got out of the car.

_No friendship, that’s what’s waiting for me._

If he got out of the car… _when_ he got out of the car… that would be the end of tonight. He wouldn’t speak to Shepard again until Monday at school, and things would be so completely _different_. He reached for handle to get out of the car, wrapped his fingers around it, but found he couldn’t pull it. Couldn’t open the door. Couldn’t _walk away_ , couldn’t let Shepard _walk away again_.

_C’mon. It’s what he wants._

_Because he doesn’t know…_

Not really. Kaidan never actually got the words out.

There were no lights on at the house except the porch light and the usual lamp in the window, in the living room, so no one had to come home to a dark house. He knew his siblings would be gone for the night, and his parents were in bed. It was late. He’d be the only one awake, alone otherwise because Kevin and Rahna wouldn’t be back for a while, if at all.

_C’mon. Do something. You look stupid just sitting there._

“Kaidan?” Shepard asked quietly, dragging Kaidan’s gaze back toward him. “Is… everything okay?”

“Y-Yeah,” he breathed. “Everything’s… fine, just, um… Come inside with me, okay? I… I h-have something for you. In my room.”

“Something for me?” Shepard echoed, frowning somewhat. “What do you mean?”

“Just… please.”

He was almost happy to note that his ‘please’ had the same effect as Shepard’s. Shepard sighed, shoulders drooping, as he nodded and turned off the car, taking the key from the ignition. He opened his door and climbed out, pocketing the keys, and Kaidan finally opened his own door and got out as well.

They walked in silence up the small walkway and up the porch steps. Kaidan unlocked the door and they entered, quietly easing their way up the steps. Kaidan tried not to panic the whole time, because he honestly didn’t have anything for Shepard waiting in his room, he just… couldn’t let him leave. _Couldn’t_. Not again.

If he let him walk away now…

_“Maybe we shouldn’t… hang out for a while.”_

That thought shouldn’t have left that knot tripling in his stomach, nor should it have left him so breathless, lungs aching, but it did nevertheless. They had only known each other a few months; how could he grow so attached that _this_ was how it felt when Shepard mentioned something like that? Except, in that short amount of time, Shepard made Kaidan feel like he hadn’t felt in a long time.

_Like I belong…_

He gave Kaidan this sense of belonging, and despite the fact it had only been a few months since they met, he’d grown attached. So attached, even though he _knew_ he shouldn’t have. He knew going in that he shouldn’t get close because everyone inevitably left. They turned on him eventually. Walked away.

Like Shepard was trying to do right now.

And he knew he should let him do it. Let him leave and get it over with, because dragging it out like this was killing him. Dragging it out like this, letting him have a friend like this a little long, the potential for something _more_ …

The longer it stayed, the more it would hurt when it left.

When Shepard left.

And yet…

He couldn’t just let him walk away. Not after everything. Not after the silent treatment before, not after how _terrible_ it felt when Shepard looked at James like he used to look at Kaidan.

_Used to…_

Shepard admitted he still liked Kaidan. He was only doing this because he thought it was what Kaidan wanted. It would be easier for Shepard if they spent time apart because he thought Kaidan didn’t feel the same. He didn’t know it wasn’t what Kaidan wanted because Kaidan had yet to say the exact words. He’d tried, but it never came out right.

And now…

“Okay,” Shepard said as they stood in Kaidan’s room, in the dark, the door closed. “What’d you want to give me?”

Kaidan froze, because he honestly didn’t have anything for Shepard. He couldn’t let him leave, but having him like this in his room didn’t seem like the best idea, either.

 _Say something,_ his mind said. _Or he’ll leave._

_What do I say…_

What _could_ he say…

“You don’t have anything, do you?” Shepard asked, but his tone wasn’t angry. Instead it hinted at confused.

“I… I…”

“Why am I here, Kaidan?” Shepard asked quietly. He wasn’t standing very far away, the two facing each other. If Kaidan squinted he could make out the light of Shepard’s eyes. If he concentrated he could feel the rush of the brunette’s breath, could hear the silence around them, stretching, bending, breaking…

“I… I don’t…”

“Kaidan… Give me something to go on, here.”

“I don’t…”

_What do I say?_

“Why am I here?”

“I don’t know,” he finally said.

More silence between them.

“Why am I here?” Shepard asked again.

“I don’t _know_ ,” he said again.

Shepard stepped a little closer.

“Why am I _here_?”

“I don’t know!” Kaidan snapped. “Okay? I just… I can’t… I’m _sorry_ …”

“Sorry?” Shepard echoed. “Why are you _sorry_?”

“B-Because…”

It just felt like he had a lot to apologize for. For making Shepard feel like he’d done something wrong. For making his only friend walk away. For a lot of things…

Shepard sighed heavily. “I should go,” he said, but didn’t move.

 _Don’t go_ , Kaidan wanted to say, but the words got lost somewhere between his brain and his mouth.

“… Bye, Kaidan.”

And with that, Shepard stepped away, slipping away from Kaidan, through the darkness and toward the door.

Walking away again.

Kaidan reacted on pure impulse, not rational thought, when he reached out, snagged Shepard’s arm and spun the brunette around. The cracks in his blinds, streetlight shining through them, gave him the briefest of glimpses of Shepard’s eyes as they widened in shock before the two connected.

And Kaidan’s lips landed on his own.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was tempted to be cruel. Very, very tempted. It's just the state of mind I'm in right now. You're lucky I'm not evil. At least, not that cruel. You're welcome.


	19. Chapter Nineteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... this chapter is really short xD Only 1.7k. But oh well, short and sweet chapter for the holiday :3 Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

Chapter Nineteen

 

The kiss wasn’t anything spectacular.

It hurt like hell because Kaidan had no way of knowing the limitations of such a thing, and their teeth smacked together, leaving Kaidan wincing while Shepard’s fingers clutched at his shirt. The pain ringing through his jaw and into his head was sudden but brief, and he eased off the kiss just enough to keep their lips in this light connection. In all honesty, it wasn’t anything special, or amazing, or anything like he’d heard it was in the movies or read about in books. It was just two people whose mouths had found each other for the second time, tentatively trying out those tiny crevices in the lines of those soft lips even as a tongue flicked out of Shepard’s mouth, lightly teasing the edge of the dip in Kaidan’s lower lip, causing him to suck in a quick breath.

And then Shepard’s hands were pushing him away, and their connection was severed as Kaidan pulled away, breathing heavily, both from his nerves, his shock at what he just did and what just happened, and because he didn’t breathe the whole time they kissed, lungs too frozen to do much of anything other than exist at the moment.

Now he greedily sucked in a sharp breath. A passing car left light flashing toward Shepard for a brief moment, allowing him a glimpse of those blue eyes. They weren’t narrowed in anger, or shock, or anything. They also weren’t wide with disbelief, or even soft with… _something_. Instead it was this blank look, his fingers still curled lightly in the fabric of Kaidan’s shirt, clasping, but not pushing him away or pulling him back in.

“S-Say something,” Kaidan said quietly.

“Why…?” Shepard paused, grip tightening marginally in Kaidan’s clothing. “Why did you do that?”

“I…”

Did Shepard not want this? He’d kissed Kaidan first; it was the only way he knew of to stop the guy from leaving _again_. He’d acted on impulse, sure, but he found he didn’t quite regret his actions. Unless it was something Shepard didn’t want. Then he was a terrible friend who completely misread the situation.

Uncertainty was a feeling with which he was all too familiar.

_I messed up, didn’t I?_

“Why… Why are you doing this to me?” Shepard asked.

“Doing…?” Kaidan echoed, frowning. “What do you mean? I’m not…”

“Is this funny to you?”

Shepard’s voice wasn’t rising to more than a semi-loud whisper, but his tone was clear. Anger, prominent in his voice.

“Is what funny?”

“ _This_ ,” Shepard snapped, releasing Kaidan’s clothing, his hands dropping to his sides. “Is this just a game to you? Is this _funny_ to you?”

“I don’t know what you-”

“ _Why did you kiss me_ ,” Shepard hissed.

Kaidan shrank back, swallowing as he struggled to think of something to say. “I… I don’t… I…”

Another passing car illuminated the narrowed eyes of the brunette as Shepard pushed away from him, shaking his head. “That’s… That’s _low_ , Kaidan.”

“Low? What are you talking about?” Kaidan asked, attempting to understand, but it was difficult. “I don’t… I didn’t mean…”

“Exactly,” Shepard snapped. “You didn’t _mean_ it! So why…!”

“Shepard-”

“You know I like you,” the brunette muttered. “You _know_ that. You know I need time to get over it, and shit like _this_ isn’t helping!”

“I-”

“So why are you _doing_ this to me?”

“I’m not-”

Again he was cut off.

Shepard’s shoulders slumped. “Why are you doing this to me?”

“I wanted to,” he said quickly, before he could be interrupted again. Those shoulders lifted again, stiffening.

“You _what_?”

“I… I… I wanted to.”

“Wanted to _what_?”

“Kiss you,” he said, bowing his head even as his ears burned a little. One would think he’d be used to this by now. They’d be wrong.

“ _Why_?”

“I… I shouldn’t have pushed you away.”

“What are you talking about?”

_I don’t know anymore…_

“You kissed me, and… and I just pushed you away…”

“Kaidan… what are you saying?” Shepard’s voice was low, guarded. Like Kaidan’s next words would be a lie. Kaidan would never lie.

Kaidan took in a slow breath, attempting to find the appropriate words, but he thought he never would. He had no idea what to say, what to do, how to fix this… maybe it couldn’t be fixed this time. Maybe he crossed some invisible line, misread everything… If that was the case, he didn’t know what to do with a ruined friendship like this.

He closed his eyes, gaze focused on the floor anyway. “I… I like y-you too…”

Silence followed his words. Perhaps he hadn’t spoken loud enough. He’d been told he could be soft-spoken, meaning people didn’t always hear what he had to say. It made being part of the background easier, but right now… Shepard needed to hear him.

“I like-”

“You don’t,” Shepard murmured, voice a little shaky. “You just… You _think_ you do, Kaidan, but-”

“I _do_.”

Why did Shepard not believe him?

“Why don’t you believe me?”

“Kaidan…”

“I… I’m sorry I pushed you away, okay? I didn’t mean… I was… I was just shocked, that’s all.”

“Just… stop.”

He swallowed and closed his mouth, squeezing his eyes shut a little tighter.

“I need to… I should go,” Shepard said. “I… Do you really…”

“I do,” he murmured. “I… I think I have f-for a while, but…”

But he didn’t know what to do with that information at the time, especially when he thought Shepard was with James. Now that he knew otherwise, and Shepard was trying to get away and ‘not hang out’ for a while, it felt like he had to do something.

“So let’s just… start over,” he practically begged. He hated that shaky, frail tone of his voice, the way his words cracked in the middle, but he couldn’t help it at the moment. Everything was still falling down around him even though he tried to remedy the situation by kissing Shepard.

“Start over?” Shepard echoed.

“Y-Yeah,” Kaidan said. “Just… l-like before, b-but I won’t… I won’t push…”

He wouldn’t push Shepard away.

“Interesting idea,” Shepard said somewhat thoughtfully. “Are you sure about this?”

“Y-Yeah.”

“Look at me, Kaidan.”

Kaidan took in a breath and lifted his head, opening his eyes as he looked at Shepard’s outline in the darkness. The faint light seeping in through the cracks in the blinds was all that let him see Shepard’s eyes tracking his every move.

Shepard stepped toward him. “Like this, then?”

Kaidan’s breath caught for a moment. Shepard was going to do this?

“Yeah,” he breathed. “You… I grabbed you.”

“How so?”

_He’s not going to make this easy, is he…_

Didn’t seem like it.

His hand reached out, curling in the fabric of Shepard’s shirt, lightly pulling the brunette toward him. Shepard came willingly, easily stepping into Kaidan’s personal space.

“And then what?” Shepard asked.

“Your… h-head…”

“Oh. This?” Shepard’s head leaned forward, his forehead lightly resting against Kaidan’s, his breath tickling Kaidan’s face, smelling vaguely of his vanilla milkshake.

“Y-Yeah,” he found himself saying, “like that.”

“Now what?” The words were a mere breath of air, sending chills inching down Kaidan’s spine.

“U-Um… Your hands…”

“What about them?”

“They w-were…”

“Yes?”

He closed his eyes, taking in a slow breath. He found it was increasingly hard to think with Shepard this close, the two sharing the same space, every breath he took full of Shepard’s scent, full of the scent of his clothing, his coconut shampoo, his-

“Oh, wait,” Shepard said, smirk evident in his voice, “I think I remember.”

And then his hands were on Kaidan’s hips, settling over the hipbones, and Kaidan’s breath caught in his throat as Shepard stepped a little closer, Kaidan’s hand lost somewhere between them, still clutching at Shepard’s shirt. He’d been running this memory over and over in his mind for a while now, attempting to figure out what he’d done wrong, what he could have done better, how he wished he could change it…

And now he had the chance. The chance to make it right.

“And then what happened?” Shepard asked breathily.

“Y-You…”

_You kissed me._

“Right,” Shepard said with a quiet little chuckle, “I remember.”

And this his head leaned down some, his mouth easily capturing Kaidan’s own.. This kiss wasn’t painful or rough like before, but was instead this gentle, soft meeting of their lips. It started with the faintest of pressure, before Shepard applied a little more, dragging Kaidan toward him with those hands on his hips. Kaidan slipped his free hand up around the back of Shepard’s neck, pulling the brunette further toward him, the kiss deepening.

And unlike last time, Kaidan didn’t push him away or pull back. Instead the two stayed connected, lingering there even after the kiss ended, Shepard leaning his forehead back against Kaidan’s.

“Better?” Shepard asked.

“Y… Yes.”

“Good.” A pause. “Are you sure…?”

“Yes.”

Shepard released a slow breath, hands tightening marginally on Kaidan’s hips. “If you’re okay with it… so am I.”

Kaidan released a breath he hadn’t known he’d been holding. “Okay,” he breathed. “What happens now?”

“I should go.”

“W-What?”

Did he do something wrong?

Shepard’s head lifted from his own, the brunette stepping back a little, his hands still settling along the dip of Kaidan’s hips.

“That’s enough for one night,” Shepard told him.

“B-But…”

“I’ll come over tomorrow if you want,” Shepard promised. “And we can talk about… things. But for right now… I think I should go.”

Kaidan took in a slow breath. At least Shepard wasn’t planning on staying away this time. He said he’d be back tomorrow. “Okay,” he murmured, nodding slowly, his hands releasing their holds, dropping to his sides. “If… that’s what you want.”

Shepard chuckled faintly, a hand lifting from his hip to instead poke under his chin, lifting the gaze he hadn’t even realized had dropped. “I’ll be back tomorrow,” he said quietly, before he leaned in and gave him a chaste kiss on the lips, before pulling back again, his hands dropping to his sides. “But thanks for tonight, Kaidan.”

“Yeah,” Kaidan breathed, “any time. Just, um… I mean… uh…”

Shepard chuckled again. “You’re cute when you’re flustered.”

“I’m not flustered,” Kaidan said.

“You kind of are, but that’s okay. Tomorrow, alright?”

Kaidan sighed, nodding. “Okay.”

“See you then, Kaidan.”

And with that, Shepard eased away from him. This time when he moved toward the door, Kaidan didn’t stop him.


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaidan and Shepard finally get to talk about... them. And stuff.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, guys, sorry for the delay, again. I know, I'm terrible at keeping a schedule. I apologize. I'm not sure how long this is going to be or if there will even be more stories to this... I mean there might be one-shots but as for full-length stories, I don't know anymore. Depends on how long this is going to be and how much I want it to cover. Hmm... well, I guess I'll think on it some more. I had a basic plot mapped out but that went out the window, soooo... yep. We'll see how it goes.
> 
> Anyway, thanks for the comments/bookmarks/kudos and everything! You guys are awesome and you know I appreciate it :) So thanks again! I'm terribly sorry for the short chapters, too; I don't know why this story has such short chapters. Oh well xD Hope they still sound okay!

Chapter Twenty

 

Kaidan fully expected the weekend to pass without Shepard speaking to him, so it was a pleasant surprise when Shepard called the next day around noon, when his parents were at work and his siblings were out. He found he was home alone a lot these days, but that was okay. He actually preferred it that way, than having stilted conversation with his sister, or confused hugs with his brother, or just… any conversation with his father, and his mom’s attempts to smooth things over…

Yes, being alone was easier.

Most of the time.

“Hey, Kaidan,” Shepard said when he answered, leaving a smile instantly slipping across Kaidan’s face, though he was confused at this knee-jerk reaction to the sound of Shepard’s voice.

“Hey, Shepard,” he replied.

“Just wanted to see if you were hungry.”

“Sure,” Kaidan said, “I could eat.”

“Good, I’d hate to be wasting my money.”

“Money?”

“I’ll be at your place in a few minutes,” Shepard told him. “We’re going out.”

“Okay,” Kaidan said. “Sounds good. I have money.”

“I bet you do,” Shepard said with a warm chuckle which left Kaidan’s smile widening. “But I’m paying, Kaidan. This is a date.”

“A… A date?” Kaidan repeated, voice soft and quiet. He probably misheard Shepard; there was no way he would invite him on a date. This was ridiculous. Just because they kissed didn’t mean…

“Well, you _did_ kiss me,” Shepard said. “Or are you going back on it?” His voice was still light and cheerful, but now there was an edge to it. Doubt, maybe?

Kaidan frowned. “Why would I go back on it?”

“Good, I’d hate to think this was one-sided. Anyway, I’m almost there. And then… we can talk.”

The last part was said quietly, voice merely a whisper.

Kaidan swallowed and nodded even though he knew Shepard couldn’t see it through the phone. “Okay,” he said quietly. “I’ll be ready.”

“Alright,” Shepard said. “Bye, then.”

It was a little awkward, hanging up like this, but they would see each other in a few minutes. A smile flitted across Kaidan’s face. He’d never felt like this before, so this was new and overwhelming and just… wonderful all in one. This vast mixture of raging emotions and he had no idea what he was supposed to do with the emotions, or with himself. It was easy to get confused, but he knew he didn’t regret his decision. He did like Shepard; he liked kissing him. He liked being close to him.

He hurriedly got dressed and barely managed to get back down to the living room by the time the doorbell rang. He stopped just in front of the door, took a slow breath to steady himself, ran a hand through his hair which he’d quickly ran a comb through, and then finally reached out to grab the doorknob. Opening it revealed Shepard standing there. His blue eyes immediately fixated on Kaidan, looking him up and down, a smile appearing on his face.

“You look good,” Shepard said.

Kaidan’s ears burned. “Um… thanks,” he said, unsure what to say in response to that. “You… uh… you too.”

And now he really looked Shepard over, and found that he was speaking the truth. Shepard always looked good, as he recalled. With his short brunette hair, dark blue eyes, fair skin, and good-fitting clothing along with that leather jacket of his… Yes, he looked good.

Shepard released a slow breath. “So… are you ready?”

Kaidan nodded. “Yes, I’m ready.”

Shepard grinned and turned to start back toward the car. Kaidan followed after him. “And no ogling my ass.”

Kaidan spluttered out a breath, nearly tripping over his feet in the process, as Shepard chuckled ahead of him. The two made it into the car and Shepard keyed the ignition, pulling away from the curb.

“So where are we going?” he managed to ask after a few minutes of comfortable silence, Shepard quietly humming the driver’s seat. Kaidan almost forgot about the humming, and realized now how much he’d missed it, in a way. It meant Shepard was relaxed; these past few weeks had been a little rough. He was happy things were getting back to normal.

A new normal, even.

He wondered if the kisses would become normal.

“To eat,” Shepard replied easily.

“Where?”

“The usual place,” was the response.

Kaidan nodded, feeling dumb for asking.

“And then we can go to my place and talk if you want,” Shepard told him. “I have to drive Sam to a friend’s place, so we can talk after that. Or we could go back to your place if you’d be more comfortable there.”

“Your place,” Kaidan said instantly, and then realized with a frown that he really did feel more comfortable at Shepard’s house instead of his own. Perhaps that was wrong of him; he liked his family. Loved them. But it was still hard to be around them sometimes. He found it much easier to enjoy Shepard’s company rather than his own family. He wasn’t sure what that said about him. Perhaps he was a horrible person for wishing to be away from his family for a while.

But it had been a hard few years, and only recently was he starting to actually feel better. Being away from his family let him forget his problems, their problems, for a little while.

“Okay,” Shepard said. “You’re not regretting it, are you?”

And there it was again, that semi-guarded tone in his voice. It was a tone Kaidan found he didn’t like.

“I’m not having doubts, if that’s what you’re asking,” Kaidan replied quietly, looking out the passenger side window. “I just… this is new to me. I’m sorry if I seem like… I’m uneasy. Or uncomfortable. I just…” He took in a slow breath. “You make me nervous.”

“Nervous?” Shepard repeated. “Good nervous or bad nervous?” Now even he sounded a little uneasy.

Kaidan frowned. That wasn’t his intention.

“Good nervous, I think,” he said, because he didn’t really have anything to compare it to. “I’ve never, um… I m-mean, I… well…”

“You’ve never done this before,” Shepard murmured, “have you.”

“N-No,” Kaidan admitted, closing his eyes, head still turned so he could focus outside the window, aware of Shepard’s eyes on him nevertheless.

“No relationships? Not that this is what that is,” Shepard said quickly. “Just… never?”

“Never,” Kaidan sighed. “I’m sorry.”

“Why are you apologizing?”

“I… I don’t…”

“It’s okay to be nervous, Kaidan. We don’t have to do anything. We can keep it strictly casual. I don’t mind.”

Kaidan released a slow breath. “You’re okay with that? I m-mean, um… for now. Until I get used to…”

He hated being so pathetic like this. He hated being so nervous, when what he’d wanted all along was for Shepard to do this with him. To treat him like this, to kiss him again, to… And yet here they were, and he wasn’t any closer to knowing what this should be like. It was awkward, and almost uncomfortable, being this nervous when sitting next to Shepard like he’d wanted to in the first place. He’d felt off-balance, being relegated to the back while James had been up front with Shepard. And now he was back up front, things seemed to be fine, and he just felt so uneasy…

Was it supposed to be like this? Was there something wrong with him?

“I’m fine with it,” Shepard said. “I’ll take whatever I can get. Whatever you’re willing to give.”

“You… really?”

“Yes, Kaidan. I wasn’t lying when I said I liked you.”

“Oh. Me neither.”

“Good.”

They pulled into the parking lot of their usual place and climbed out of the car. It was cold, and it would be snowing very soon. Kaidan wished he’d brought a thicker jacket, but it was a short walk inside. They sat in their usual booth and ordered their usual things.

The normalcy of it all left him smiling.

 

Shepard’s room was familiar even though Kaidan had only been here very few times. It smelled familiar, like Shepard’s jacket and his clothes. All of it put Kaidan at ease as he sat on Shepard’s bed. Shepard tossed the car keys on the dresser near his bed and then pulled out the computer chair, turning it so it was facing Kaidan, before he sat down.

“So,” Shepard said, looking at him.

“So…” Kaidan repeated uncertainly. He wasn’t sure what to do at this point. They were in uncharted, awkward territory. They kissed, but what did that mean? They said they liked each other, but again, what did that mean? Were they now in a relationship? He’d never been one before, never really thought about it. Until recently he preferred being alone. This was all still so very new to him. He felt entirely out of place.

Shepard smiled. “You can relax, you know. There’s no need to be so tense.”

Kaidan released a breath, his tense shoulders finally relaxing. It was strange, because he hadn’t even realized he’d gotten so tense. He wondered if it gave Shepard the wrong impression; did he think Kaidan was regretting his decision? Did he think he wanted to leave? That this wasn’t what he wanted?

_Is it?_

Kaidan paused thoughtfully. Did he want this? What was this, even? A casual… relationship? How did that even work? The more he thought about it, the more nervous he became. Even so he forced his posture to relax, and unfolded his hands from his lap and instead pressed them into the covers beneath him, positioned at his sides as he leaned back into a more comfortable, relaxed position.

_I don’t regret it._

He didn’t regret kissing Shepard. He didn’t regret telling him he liked him. He was just nervous, because this was new. That was all.

“You look like I’m going to skin you alive,” Shepard said quietly. “You can leave if you want. I can drive you home.” He paused, then. “Unless you don’t want me to.”

“No,” Kaidan said. “No, I mean, I… I’m fine. I don’t want to leave. I’m sorry, this is just… new to me.”

“I don’t want to make you uncomfortable, Kaidan.”

“You’re not, I’m just nervous.”

_Please understand._

He pushed Shepard away before. He regretted it. Now that he got a second chance at this, he didn’t regret it. But if Shepard pushed him away… he wasn’t sure what he’d do. It took everything he had to even get this far.

His nerves were frayed.

“What do you want to happen?”

The question caught him by surprise. “What?” he asked intelligently.

Shepard released a slow breath, looking nervous himself. But that was crazy; why would he feel nervous? This wasn’t new to him like it was for Kaidan. He wasn’t socially awkward like Kaidan, or damaged like him, or part of the background, or-

“Breathe, Kaidan,” Shepard said. “Calm down.”

Kaidan took a breath and nodded. “Sorry.”

“If you keep apologizing I’m going to start thinking you’ve got second thoughts.”

“Sorry.” He swallowed. “I mean, u-um… No. I don’t have second thoughts.”

“So tell me what you want.”

“What I… want?” he repeated, like it was something foreign. In a way, it was. No one ever really asked him that. What he wanted didn’t matter, not after _it_ happened. And now there was a knot in his stomach for entirely different reasons.

Shepard didn’t know anything about his past. He knew something bad happened, but that was it. Kaidan never told him. To be fair, though, Kaidan never told anyone. He stayed as far away from that subject as possible. What would Shepard think if he learned the truth? If he learned how Kaidan-

“Yes, Kaidan. What do you want to have happen?”

“What?”

“If you like me, and I like you,” Shepard said calmly, watching him, “what do you want to have happen?”

“I… I d-don’t… I don’t know.”

“Start with the basics. Do you want to ignore what happened?”

“What?”

_I sound so intelligent, don’t I…_

He needed to get a hold of himself and stop behaving like this. Shepard was having doubts about him now. Not believing him when he said he didn’t regret it.

He was going to ruin this before it even really started if he wasn’t careful.

And ruining it…

_“Maybe we shouldn’t… hang out for a while.”_

No. He couldn’t ruin it. He wouldn’t.

“I don’t want to ignore it,” he said firmly, managing to lift his gaze and catch Shepard’s eye. “I meant what I said. Unless…” He looked away. “Unless that’s what you want.”

If Shepard wanted to ignore it… then who was Kaidan to deny him the option?

Maybe he was beginning to finally see how pathetic Kaidan really was. It had to happen sooner or later, but a part of him had hoped… had wanted…

Wanted, for the first time in forever…

“I don’t want to ignore it either,” Shepard said, and that lump in Kaidan’s throat dissolved, allowing him to breathe again. “But if this is your first, erm… first relationship?”

“Yes.”

“First…? Like… Okay, I’m just gonna ask. Have you ever been romantically and physically involved with anyone?”

Kaidan sucked in a shaky breath. “No.”

“Okay, so you’re… okay. That’s fine. So we’ll take it slow, if that’s what you want.”

“Slow?”

Shepard nodded. “Kissing is fine?”

“Yes,” Kaidan said even as his ears burned. Why was he still so nervous?

“What else would be okay? What do you want?”

“I… I don’t know.”

“Think about it,” Shepard said, causing Kaidan to glance at him. The brunette smiled at him, that warm, easy, familiar smile which left him relaxing again. “You’re in charge of where this goes. No pressure, no strings. Just… You decide how far this goes, and what you want to do.”

“Me?”

Why would he let Kaidan decide things, when Kaidan had no idea what he was doing? How did that make sense?

Shepard nodded. “Yes, you. I’m not going to do anything that makes you uncomfortable. It’s obvious you’re reserved about this; I’ll let you be in charge of where this goes. If you have questions at any time, just as me, and I will answer to the best of my ability. If this is what you want. You can still back out.”

“I don’t want to back out. Why do you keep asking?” Kaidan asked, fighting back a scowl. “Do you not want to do this?”

“Of course I want to,” Shepard sighed, shaking his head as he looked away, blue eyes suddenly finding the carpet very interesting. “I’ve liked you for a while. I’ve… well. Of course I want to do this, but not if it makes you uncomfortable, Kaidan. That comes first.”

“You don’t mind that I have no idea what I’m doing?”

“It’s new for everyone at some point,” Shepard said. “I don’t mind.”

Kaidan released a slow breath and nodded. “So is this a relationship?”

“It’s whatever you want it to be.”

Kaidan studied Shepard for a moment. Shepard still wasn’t looking at him, fingers toying with the hem of his jacket. He was really going to let Kaidan decide everything? Even though he had absolutely no experience in anything like this? Wouldn’t it be frustrating for Shepard? But he couldn’t say no to this. Not when he wanted…

_I want…_

It had been a long time since he actually wanted something. Yearned for it, even.

A small smile slid across his face.

“It’s a relationship,” he said quietly, causing Shepard to lift his gaze and finally focus on him again.

A similar smile appeared on Shepard’s face, lips twitching upward. “I’m going to kiss you now,” he said as he got to his feet and approached the bed.

Kaidan released a slow breath as his heart stuttered for a second. Warmth spread through him as he nodded, unable to say anything at that moment. Shepard’s lips landed on his own in a soft, gentle touch, lingering through for a moment, just a bit of pressure. Mouths getting used to each other, still new to one another, still awkward.

Nevertheless Kaidan actually _wanted_ it. Liked it.

There was a taste…

Not something he could describe, but he decided to call it Shepard. The kiss tasted of Shepard.

And that was perfectly fine with him.


End file.
